Jason and I try for 2.5 years before becoming pregnant for the first time (with help from a few drugs). We lost that baby, Elijah, at 11 weeks. That was in September of 07. A few months later, we find out that we've been matched with a birth mother and we make plans to adopt her little girl. The same week we find out we are pregnant again. After lots of prayer and conversations with adoption professionals... we are granted permission to still adopt Jasmine even though we are about 15 weeks pregnant. However, the birth mother changed her mind two days after she gave birth... we had named the baby, prepared this little girl's room... and in every way (except physically) had a still born child that we had to grieve. Fast forward a few months and I give birth to our healthy daughter, Havana. Fast forward 9 more months and we find out we're pregnant and expecting twins. A few weeks later, one of the twins stops growing... we end up carrying the other twin to full term. (There might have been one other miscarriage between Havana and Jonah... based on symptoms, but I never took a positive pregnancy test, so no one knows for sure). Not the most beautiful "adding to our family" story...
Yes, I have two healthy and beautiful children, but loss has been a part of each of our pregnancies. Infertility has been a struggle. Recently the Lord has really been working on me, bringing me to a peace with our losses, and helping me learn contentment. While I miss each one of our babies daily... over the past few months, I have experienced healing like I've never known it before. I didn't seem to wrestle with God as much as I once had and I found myself content with my two children for the first time in years and I was peaceful.
The Lord has been working on me in a lot of ways since moving back to Louisville... Jason too. We've grown in our walks with Him and with each other. Life has been sweet. I was telling the Lord about a month ago that I would be happy adopting or having a biological third child... whatever He saw fit... then I felt Him ask me, "What if there is no third child?" Yikes, that wasn't an option! Ha. So, I worked it out with the Lord and was willing to accept that there might not be a third child in our home. As I stated earlier, the Lord has been really moving in my spirit to make my will more like His and so I came (without too much arguing!) to a place where I said, "Okay, Lord, Your Will, not mine."
Not long after... we find out we are pregnant!
We had not yet found a doctor in our new town and so Jason calls me in some meds that I've taken with each pregnancy in order to help sustain it and I start taking those in addition to my prenatal vitamins. We sit on the news for a little while because Jason really enjoys the moments when only "we" know. A week later, I buy another pregnancy test to make sure the line is getting darker... it is.
Now, I'm growing even more excited and the Lord is teaching me how to handle my worry. I told Jason that I came to a point where I realize that I have very little faith that God can help sustain my pregnancies. That is not something I want to believe... that is a lie from Satan... so I had to battle it out and change my heart and behaviors so that I reflected a person who had faith.
Jason and I begin to look for a doctor. We were very blessed in Indianapolis to have an amazing doctor and I was nervous about finding her replacement. However, we ended up finding someone that graduated with Jason in his medical school class. I remembered her and was very excited to go to someone who I knew. She was also willing to see me right away instead of making me wait until I was 12 weeks along.
Today, I had my first appointment with her. I had to leave a urine sample and before I even was able to see the doctor the nurse asked me if I had gotten a positive pregnancy test at home. I said, "Yes" -- she said that my test was coming up negative there and perhaps I had gotten a false positive. I then said that I had taken more than one test, all had come up positive. She consults the doctor and they send me to the hospital to get some blood work done. They asked me to come back about an hour after my blood draw and they would assess the situation.
To say I was scared would be an understatement. I called Jason on my way to the hospital and through tears told him the situation. His response was a sad, "This is scary." I prayed and prayed and prayed. I asked for prayers from everyone... sending mass texts, posting on facebook, and e-mailing friends. Most of these people didn't even know I was pregnant... this was not how I expected sharing my news, but I needed prayers. I prayed for this baby to survive.
After I had my blood drawn, I found myself growing angry at Jason. I've never really been angry at him like this before. I was growing hard and in my mind I started accusing him of not caring as much for this baby... I'm not sure where these thoughts came from. I decided to run an errand before heading back to the doctor's office and the entire car ride I cried. I came to the conclusion that the "good" place the Lord had brought me to was only to prepare me for this moment. He was preparing me for this loss. I would NOT let Satan take that away from me. Then I thought about Jason and how I would NOT let Satan use this as a wedge in our marriage. We have an incredible marriage despite all of our heart aches and that I not something I'm going to let go of. So I found myself screaming in the car, "Satan will NOT have my family..."
That might sound crazy... but it was all I knew what to do. I had surrendered to the idea that the baby was not going to make it. I was wrestling with all the emotions that follow that news, but I refused to ask God, "Why?" I refused to be mad at God... I refused to allow Satan to place ideas in my head to be mad at Jason... it was a crazy roller coaster ride.
That is when my phone rang... it was the doctor's office... explaining to me that they were very sorry, but the lab must have gotten urine samples mixed up. They tested MY urine and it came up positive!
What?! Doesn't matter, PRAISE THE LORD!!!!! I return to the office and go through the typical new patient/first trimester appointment. I was understanding of the mistake, but still trying to wrap my mind over all that had happened... being told my pregnancy test was coming up negative... thinking I was facing my 5th baby loss... wrestling with how this fit into God's will for my life. Fighting Satan for my family... all to find out it was an error in the lab.
Relief, Joy, Thankfulness... yes, those certainly describe my emotions. More than anything, I'm thankful the Lord was with me in those moments. Helping me to fight Satan when I didn't know what was going on with my baby. Being there with me on this journey. For bringing me to a place where I could surrender to His will... not matter what it was. I was already saying to myself, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away... but I will choose to say, 'Lord, blessed be YOUR name.'"
So, false alarm.. yes. Do I wish I had more faith so that I would not immediately assume the worst? Yes... however, I'm thankful for those who stopped what they were doing to pray for me and my baby. We felt it... and those prayers were answered. I have no doubt that God was using those prayers to help this incredible baby to stay strong during this uncertain first trimester. I also have no doubt that the peace that people prayed for me helped me from sinning in the moment of what I thought was loss. How easy it could have been to throw my hands up at God and walk away from Him. To ask why His way had to involve such loss. Sitting where I am now... that is a silly thought because there is no loss, but at the time, when I was sure there was a loss... I am thankful for those who prayed for me. Your prayers were answered. God, as always, is faithful.
If tonight I was truly grieving the death of another baby... He would be just as faithful as He was on the days that I gave birth to Havana and Jonah. In that moment where I felt my baby would be gone... He was there. He is good. I am confident I would have written that phrase tonight no matter what the outcome might have been. He is good. His ways are good. His ways will very rarely look like how we want our ways to look, but they are so much better. So much sweeter. Our God makes no mistakes.
I'm not sure how to end this post. I'm emotionally exhausted from the roller coaster that today way. I'm incredibly thankful to God for the little life still inside of me. I'm humbled by those who have been praying for me. But more than anything, I'm burdened for those who are not walking in the ways of the Lord. I've been there... I've done that. There is no way I could have survived the scare that today held if I had not been walking with the Lord like I have been the past few months. Have I been perfect? NO! But, Jason and I have been transformed recently... we've come to a point where we are not "okay" with just being Christians... we want to strive to be more like Christ each and every day. To do that, we have to be brutally honest with each other and with those in our lives who will call us out, speak Truth into our lives, and not let us settle for less than Christ's best for us. That isn't easy and it certainly isn't fun, but we've learned that it is easy to surround yourself with people who think you are wonderful. It is easy to have friends who simply want for your life what YOU want for your life... but those aren't Biblical friends.
We've been convicted that we need to surround ourselves with those people who love us enough to point out our sins, who spur us on to be more Christ like, those who don't want what we want for our lives, but they want what God wants for our lives. Those friends are irreplaceable. And it is those friends who have brought me to a place in my walk with Jesus where I could duke it out with Satan in the car... telling him He will not have my family... not matter what the outcome of this pregnancy is... He will not win.
So, tonight, my heart is thankful for our baby, but burdened for those in our lives who are complacent with their sin. Those who don't want the Truth spoken into their lives. Because days like today hit us all... days where our world comes crashing down... and there are two ways to handle it: 1)God's way or 2)Your Own Way. And I know from personal experience, the 2nd way only leads to more heart ache. So, I want to encourage everyone, keep fighting the good fight of faith... knowing that it will be hard. That people will say things to you that you don't want to hear. That it will require you to change things in your life you would rather keep the way they are. You will look like a fool to the world... but to God, you will be the apple of His eye. And when the rains come in... when the sands slips away... you will KNOW that no matter what... Satan will NOT win because You and All those you surround yourself with will Not allow him. What Satan intended for evil... God will accomplish for good... the saving of many lives!
Thanking God for my baby, my two healthy children, my incredible Christ-like husband, my friends who help me walk in the ways of Christ, and His forgiveness for the times I fail. So thankful tonight... and prayerful... for the baby, for my family, and for you...
God Bless!
