An Important lesson for this Mommy!

Jason and I have talked off and on about entering into full time ministry as long as we've known each other. It was something we talked about more often before the children, but we have mentioned it since. Jason is fluent in Spanish and so when we discuss which country the Lord might be calling us to, we toss around different countries in Latin America that might serve as our future home.

However, in recent months, the Lord has been impressing upon my heart Muslim nations. To be honest, I'm not sure why because I don't know much about the Muslim faith, but the passion is there. I have shared that with Jason and his response is that we should pray about it. As I think  (not pray) about it... I can picture myself moving there tomorrow, but I can't imagine taking Havana and Jonah. I focus more on Havana in those moments... thinking of what her life would look like and how it might be in danger and I think, "nope, I can't take Havana there." Then I realize that isn't that what God did for us? Didn't he send His Son to die for us and yet I'm not willing to move my daughter somewhere so more people can learn about Him?

I know that is true, but at the same time... it didn't change my mind. However, recently, I was talking to some people at church about this and they pointed out that I kept referring to Havana as "my daughter" -- they pointed out that really she is His daughter. Wow. She is God's daughter.

As I've stated before, Jason and I don't believe in contraception... we believe every life is special and a gift. I have always viewed my children as gifts to us from the Lord, but I have failed to view them as the Lord's. What a paradigm shift. How differently would I view overseas missions if I didn't view my children as "my children" but rather "God's children." They were His before they ever were mine. He knows what He is doing...

Driving home that night I was thinking about it a lot. These guys I were talking to also pointed out to me that there are Spanish-speaking Muslim regions in North Africa... putting Jason's and mine passions together. The thoughts were interesting and I was simply speechless. I finally turn on the radio and Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Yours" came on...  here are the lyrics:

I walk the streets of London
and notice in the faces passing by
something that makes me stop and listen
My heart grows heavy with the cry
Where is the hope for London
You whisper and my heart begins to soar
as I’m reminded every street in London is Yours

I walk the dirt roads of Uganda
I see the scars that war has left behind
Hope like the sun is fading
and they’re waiting for a cure no one can find
And I hear children’s voices singing
of a God who heals and rescues and restores
and I’m reminded that every child in Africa is Yours

It’s all Yours God, Yours God, everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky to the depths of the ocean floor
and it’s all Yours God, Yours God, everything is Yours
You’re the maker and keeper, Father and ruler of everything
It’s all Yours

I walk the sidewalks of Nashville
like Singapore, Manila and Shanghai
I brush by the beggar’s hand and the wealthy man
and everywhere I look I realize
Just like the streets of London
for every man and woman, boy and girl
All of creation, this is our Father’s world

It’s all Yours God, Yours God, everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky to the depths of the ocean floor
and it’s all Yours God, Yours God, everything is Yours
You’re the maker and keeper, Father and ruler of everything

You’re the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords

I’ve walked the valley of death’s shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I’ve had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even here
in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you.

It’s all Yours, God
It’s all Yours, God
It’s all Yours, God
It’s all Yours, God

The glory is Yours, God
All the honor is Yours, God
The power is Yours, God

The glory is Yours, God 

So, there I was, raising my hands and singling loudly that everything is Gods... everything... including all my children. I came home and told Jason about my conversation and the lesson I learned. I'm not saying the Lord is calling us to full time missions right now, but I believe He is preparing us for... something. I'm not sure what that something is... perhaps moving overseas, but not necessarily. I believe He is teaching us that our children are His children for something... only time will tell what, but I'm confident the lesson we are learning now will play a role in our future.

Quick Post

Havana has been doing a few things that I want to write down before I forget them:

I never realized how much I used the nickname "baby" until I realize that Havana adds it on to everything! Every time she says thank you it is, "Thank You, Baby." When reading a book I made the "ach-oo" sound and she says, "achoo, baby" -- yes, if she says a phrase it is repeated with the tag line of baby. Not sure why, but it is really cute.

She also loves to pray. This, of course, melts my heart. During meal time she will want us to pray several times and so I have started asked her what she wants us to pray for. It is neat to hear her answers. Sometimes it is for a person or place, but for the most part she wants to pray about songs and shows she likes. :) It has carried over into other times now too. After I go in her room to wake her up - she likes to play in her bed for a while. So I stand over her crib as she reads books and plays with her many dolls. Her new thing is to have her dolls pray. She'll put their hands together and I'll say, "what is (insert doll's name) praying about?" She'll think for a minute and then answer (usually with the same "wheels on the bus or similar answer) and so we'll have the doll pray to learn all the words to the wheels on the bus. It is special to me that she is already developing a heart of prayer.

Her imagination is beginning to show daily in her actions... she loves to play with her dolls and stuffed animals - she pretends to feed and bathe them. She pretends they go to sleep and wake up. We have tea parties and slumber parties and gosh, she is so much fun! :)

She has become rather good at stalling when it comes to bedtime. Her classic tricks are saying that she went potty or that she wants a snack. Neither of those keeps me from going on with the bedtime routine. So, being the creative little girl that she is, she decided that giving mommy great big hugs is the way to prolong bedtime. And. It. Works. I can't help it, but when she wraps her arms around my neck and lays her head on my shoulders I cannot pull her away. Instead I just hold her back, tell her how much I love her, and then kiss her. It prolongs bedtime, but I think some snuggles with a girl who rarely sits still is a good excuse. Now, she is learning that if I ask her to put her toys away and she doesn't want to it that she can run and give me a hug and it gives her a few extra minutes before she has to obey. I'm a sucker for snuggles! :)

Havana has also developed a great interest in my wedding ring. I simply love it and think it is so cute. Girls are born with a heart for fairy tales and love stories and I love sharing ours with her. She'll point to it and say, "mama's wing" and I will tell her how her daddy gave it to me and how he asked me to marry him and I said yes. So when asking her about the story I'll say, "And who gave mommy that ring?" She'll answer, "gaggy" Then I ask, "what did mommy say to daddy when he gave her the ring?" I am meaning, Yes, but she answers with, "thank you, gaggy." I always laugh and then tell her that I most likely did thank him too. :) She is so sweet and polite. :) 

Jonah is now 9 months old and he's very close to crawling. He will lean forward and do a lurch sort of thing - which is closer to crawling than Havana was at that age. I think before long he'll be crawling and keeping up with Havana.

He's becoming very vocal and making fun sounds, but he's also working on his signs. I think he did the sign for milk last night while drinking his bottle, but I'm not positive it was intentional, but I went with it. :)

My children are blessings and I love every moment with them! I couldn't ask for a better job than being Jason's wife and a mommy to his kiddos. I am blessed. :)

Kiddo Update

The children are sleeping and the house is a mess. I need to clean, but instead... I think I'll update my blog. I haven't written a good update about the children in a while so here we go...

Havana - 
She is now 26 (almost 27!) months old and is so incredible. If there was an award for "best sister" I'm pretty sure she would win it hands down. Every time she sees Jonah - she has to give him a kiss. It is the sweetest thing and she has been doing it for weeks without fail. If he is getting fussy, she will go and give him a toy! She also is really good about sharing. Occasionally I will see in her face that she doesn't want to share, but after she pushes through her initial hesitation... she will then gladly share as many toys as she can find. Watching her towards Jonah truly melts my heart. She is also now aware of the baby in mommy's belly. In fact, several times a day she will pat my belly and say, "mama, baby, belly." :)

She is a very active girl. I love her run, it is on her tip toes and she runs all around the house. Lately she has started learning how to do somersaults and she LOVES them. :) This girl is quite a good dancer as well. Every time she hears music she is up and dancing. I have to say, one of my favorite parts of the day is when we dance together in the living room. Her laughter is music to my ears. 

She has become independent lately which is a nice change for me. She loves playing right next to me, but she will venture into other rooms and play by herself. It is fun to watch her imagination at work. She loves stuffed animals right now and no matter what she is doing: all her animals get to have a turn as well. It is funny to me how "real" those animals are to her. If you pass over one of their turns, she will let you know. :) Her new thing, however, is to go upstairs on her own. I'm somewhat okay with this, but confess that I'm a little nervous that while she is up there she will either lose her balance and fall down the stairs or attempt to come down the stairs on her own and also might trip. She is good about going down "on her bottom" when we are with her to remind her, but by herself, I'm not sure she would remember that rule. So, I never let her play too long unsupervised by herself. :) Her room time is going well - staying more than 40 minutes in there without a peep. Some days she even prompts it all on her own. Her independent streak is carrying over to the nursery at church! She is doing great! The past few weeks she hasn't even cried when we dropped her off, but instead just says "bye bye" as if going to the nursery was never a big deal. It makes church time so much better for us!

She is still a great sleeper. We put her to bed around 8 (sometimes 8:30) and she'll stay in her bed and talk until 10 or 10:30... and then she'll sleep in until 9:30 or 10 in the morning. She takes one nap in the afternoon which lately have been 3-5:30ish, but I'm going to try to move them a little bit earlier over the next few weeks. Ideally, 2-5ish is what i'm looking for,  but I seem to be too busy playing at 2 to remember to put her down. :) 

Her speech is improving. I love hearing her talk and communicate. She is still a signing machine and is also learning how to say more sounds. However, she is also becoming increasingly frustrated with herself. When we try to push her to say a word correctly (she says "bye bye" "gye gye") - she will cry and give us the "all done" sign. If we keep pushing her she will start screaming out sounds through the tears which is truly heartbreaking for me to watch. She is trying - she really is, but she simply can't say certain words. I will admit that my heart is still sad over her speech delay. The other night she asked to watch Curious George by making the monkey sounds "ahh ahh" and while Jason was setting it up, she did the sign for "candy" while saying "ahh ahh, andy."  We were so excited! She was telling us she wanted to watch the episode where George eats candy. We celebrated her communication breakthrough! But then it hit me, all she said was "ahh ahh, andy" - she didn't say, "can I watch the Curious George where he eats candy. please?" She can't even say more than a word or two at a time. She is still so very far behind that my heart broke into pieces. I'm crying now just thinking about it. She "chatters" often: in the car, playing with her animals, etc.... but her actual clear sentences are never more than one or two words. I wonder if in her head they are clear. When she is playing with her dolls and having them talk so much...does she hear the clear words in her head? I think so because she understand every word you say to her and can follow several step commands. She knows words, but can speak them. I brought this up to Jason last night and he suggested that we be more proactive about praying for her. That certainly was a wake up for me because I have not been praying for her speech as often as I should be.

She can answer questions... so our dinner conversations are usually me asking her one question after another so we can talk. She also LOVES to sing. Her new favorites are "Bingo" and "The Wheels on the Bus" - she can spell B-I-N-G-O on her own and she knows all the "happenings" on the bus. I'll ask her: what do the wheels do? She'll reply, "round and round (she signs it and says rou and rou). So I sing that verse and then ask her, "what's next?" And she knows what the wipers, horn, doors, money, mommies, driver, people, and babies all do. It is fun to watch her enjoy singing that with me. She also loves "Rock a Bye Baby" but only if she is holding one of her stuffed animals in her arms like a baby and rocking it in front of the fireplace (so she can see herself).

Her first sight word was "Chick-Fil-A" -- she can stop that word anywhere: the building, a billboard, or on toys that we have taken home for their kid's meals. It is very fun to watch her get excited whenever she sees it. She knows all her alphabet letters and when you ask her what the letter says, she knows about 50%. She can also spell Baby (along with Bingo, but that's only in the song :). She can count to 15 on her own! She still knows all her colors, animals, and shapes. She is even good about picking up what I ask her to... if I tell her to get me two purple triangles from a puzzle. She will scour through them and find two purple triangles. She is very, very smart.

She is getting into games, which is helping pass the winter. She loves to play memory and my favorite part about that is we have a Bible version of the game and so she is now learning the Bible characters. By sight, she can pick out Noah, Adam and Eve (she just calls them Eve), David, Daniel, and Jonah. At first I always placed the matches right next to each other, but now she's so good that I have to mix them up! :) She also really loves to play CandyLand. I make her tell me what she sees "two purple" and then we move the people to the correct square. She loves playing this game so much that we use it as a reward after we work on saying our sounds.

I have a few bags set up with different toys on the inside. A "B" bag, a "M" bag, and a "P" bag. We have to do one of those bags before we can play Candyland. I let her pick out the toys in the bag and she has to try to say them. For example, the "B" bag has a bunny, a bear, a baby, and a boat. She can say boat and baby just fine, but bunny is more of a gunny and bear is gear. So I make her say the "b" sound and if she throws in a "g" or "c" sound I tell her no and make her do it again. This is where she'll get frustrated because she'll say, "b,b,b gear" and I'll say, no... b, b, b ear. And we can't move on until she makes her best effort to say it correctly, but even then I've never gotten a clear "bear" or "bunny" out of her.


Anyway, she is still a very funny girl. She makes me laugh a lot with her expressions and her imagination. The other day she was eating lunch and I put down a bowl of green beans and told her she had to blow on them because they were hot. I turned around and kept hearing her say, "baby, (blowing sound)" - I look over and she has her baby doll's face in the bowl and she was pretending to have the baby blow of her food. So clever. :) She is always very fun to watch and play with.

Jason and I believe in heart motivated discipline. That sounds complicated, but the bottom line is that it is "easy" to get a child to act like a Christian. It is easy for parents to enforce first time obedience and then leave it there. It is not as easy, however, to train your child to think like a Christian. To not worry so much about the first time obedience as about why did they disobey? What in their heart do they need to correct?

This isn't a parenting post, but it leads me to my next humorous Havana story. When she disobeys, we talk about it. I correct her with Scripture, but I also tell her what she needs to do to make it right (again this is done with Scripture). You can't correct the child without then giving them the tools they need to know what the right choice is. Anyway, then we always pray about it together. Well, the past two days whenever I start to correct her, she begins praying immediately. She claps her hands together and squeezes her hands tight. It is hard not to bust out laughing. She's funny, but don't worry, while I do pray with her, I make sure we finish our conversation and that she has a chance to "do it again" - which is make the right choice. More than Babywise, I strongly recommend Don't Make Me Count to Three as a must read for all parents. It is similar is practice to Shepherding a Child's Heart but it is a much easier read with clear examples!

Jonah:
My little 8.5 month old man has to be the happiest child in the world. I have never met a more content and chilled little baby in my life. He makes having two kids easy. I can sit him on the floor and he'll play by himself all day. I don't leave him alone that long, but it is nice to know he is that content if I need him to be. :)

He began sitting up on his own and rolling over back in November. He is just now starting to rock forward a little bit, but I think crawling is still a little ways away. He is getting very quick with his rolling abilities and the other day he even rolled himself into Havana's play tunnel. How he got himself into that little opening I still don't know, but the smile on his face was HUGE.

He loves playing. He has a little basketball goal that he loves and Havana has a weeble set that he thinks is the coolest thing on earth. Just today he started learning how to turn the wheel  in order to move the weebles up the slide. I have to say I was impressed that he knew how to do that. He also has a rainforest music thing in his crib that he has now learned how to kick on by himself. :) Clever boy.

He is saying "mama" "nana" and his new favorite word is "oh" - we literally will have a 20 minute conversation where we are simply saying "oh" to each other in different inflections. He enjoys using his voice. :) When he wakes up in the mornings (usually around 9-9:30am) I am greeted not with crying, but by his voice going "oh" "Oh" "Oooohhhh" - followed by his laughter. I'll walk in and he's holding a stuffed animal. :)

His sleeping habits are incredible. he takes a short hour to an hour in a half nap in the AM and then a longer 3-4 hour nap in the afternoon. He sleeps about 13 hours at night. For a while he was waking up in the middle of the night (started out with a cold and then he just thought it was fun) but after Christmas Jason and I simply stopped going in there and now he's back to his 13 hour stretch - although we did hear him about 5am this morning doing his "oh" speech, but we went back to bed and so did he. :)

He is eating a lot these days. Of course he gets the full run of pureed fruits and veggies (made at home, of course :) and now that he's 8 months we give him yogurt too. But he also eats so much table food it isn't funny. The basics like cheerios, puffs, and mum-mums are okay, and even though he only has two teeth he loves actual table food: garlic bread and pizza are his favorites. He has eaten lunch meat, hamburger,  cheese, cut up fruit, bread, pasta, chicken pot pie... pretty much whatever we eat we give to him. The other night we ordered a pizza so I thought I would see how he would do with it... the kid ate more pizza than I did! I could not put it on his tray fast enough! :) No wonder he is wearing 18 month clothing!!!!!

Jonah things Havana is funny and laughs at everything she does. He always wants to be in the middle of what she is doing. He thinks his daddy is pretty funny too. He is also getting really into being thrown into the air, spinning and dancing with us, and he started playing a game on his own that Havana played when she was a baby and that she still plays. He will touch one of our arms or our back and when we look at him he'll laugh so hard. We will look away and then he'll do it again and when we look at him, again so much laughter. 

Havana did that when she was little and she still loves to play that game where she will touch our backs and now we tickle her when she does. I don't know why my kids enjoy that, but now that they both have it is kind of a fun Dugger Family game.

Jonah's laugh has to be the most interesting laugh I  have ever heard. Havana has always had a giggle and a belly laugh... Jonah's laugh is more like a solid scream. It really is funny. When he first started laughing we didn't know for sure if he was laughing or crying. Now that we know he is laughing it is funny to watch him go. As he keeps laughing harder, his scream keeps getting deeper. It's really quite a sound. :)
 

Baby Number Three:

Doing well! We had a "scare" last week. For about a week we could not find the heartbeat on our dopplar. We had been able to find it before and for a solid week we couldn't find it. It was to the point that even Jason was nervous and he even said, "we might be having a miscarriage." If you know my husband, he doesn't normally jump to that conclusion... so that is how scary it was for both of us. Finally, we agreed that we would call the doctor on Monday and try to get in. I was nervous as I was at the 13 week mark and I didn't feel pregnant nor was my belly expanding at all. It wasn't firm like it usually is by this time. However, Monday morning we tried again before calling the doctor and what do you know... a rapid little heart beat was there to greet us. I was so relieved and kept Thanking the Lord for His grace. Jason said, "where have you been?" to the baby and I laughed and thought perhaps this will be our problem child. :) However, I know that I will be thankful for every "problem" he/she gives us because I am so thankful for his/her little life.

I will be 14 weeks on Monday and I'm still leaning towards not wanting to find out the gender. Jason has his doubts that I will stay strong, but I have things for each and who knows, perhaps this will be our last biological child and it may be our last time to have to true surprise. :) I think it will be fun. Coming up with two names, on the other hand, won't be as much fun since Jason and I struggle with coming up with names we agree on. It is a miracle we've named the children we have!

Other than that one scare, I'm feeling great. Not sick, not gaining weight, no food aversions or cravings, no needing to eat often... nope, it is hard for me to remember sometimes that I am pregnant because this one has been so easy. Other than hiding from the Doppler.. this kid is perfect. :) Hoping my second trimester shapes up to be as good as the first.

Six Years Ago... (I began this on 12/18 and just now publishing it on 1/9)

In a few hours it will be December 19th which is our anniversary. This year we are celebrating our sixth year of marriage and I am amazed with how much more I am in love with Jason today than I was the day I married him. He is such an incredible man who is such a great example to me of a true Christian. I am humbled by his love and he is truly my very best friend. I love spending my life with him.

Tonight we were worshiping together and we sang the Chris Tomlin song "God of this City" which is one of our favorite songs. Anyway, Jason and I changed the lyrics just a little bit to say, "You're the God of this love. You're the King of this couple. You're the God of this marriage. You are. ... For greater things are yet to come. And greater things are still to be done in this marriage. Greater things have yet to come. And greater things are still to be done in this marriage." As I reflect on our past few years of marriage I can see how that is truly the case. God is the  King of our marriage and our lives. He has already done great things in our marriage: he has taught us about Himself, about selfless love, about forgiveness, but He has also carried us through many trials: infertility, miscarriages, and a failed adoption. He has seen us through a few moves, times when we have felt blessed and fruitful and other times when we have felt dried and distant. Yet, we stand here today, walking hand-in-hand toward the King, and we both feel we are somewhat on an edge. An adventure awaits us in the years ahead, some of the adventures will be exciting others might be challenging. We're not exactly sure what is the Lord's specific plan for our future involves (perhaps overseas missions, perhaps adoption 15 children, perhaps something I can't even fathom right now), but regardless, it is true that there are greater things that have yet to come, and greater things that are still to be done in this marriage.

We are aware that some of those "greater things" may be in ways that we don't want. Perhaps an illness or handicap. We don't know, but that is what faith is all about. Following a Lord that will be with us no matter what. As our minister said a few weeks ago in a sermon, "Jesus didn't come to save us from our struggles. He came to save us from Hell." Jesus certainly can be a strength for us in hard times, but He isn't a "quick fix" and doesn't guarantee to take away our problems. Nope, instead he promises us that we WILL have trouble. Yet, clinging to Him during those trial will bring us peace and will help us stay on the path that will save us from Hell. Ultimately, spending eternity in heaven is the only thing that matter. What is it to have a happy life on earth if our souls are going to spend eternity in Hell? Anyway, didn't mean to get all "preachy" but at a time like this - when we look back and look forward - we have to reaffirm that we are couple grounded and rooted in Christ.

I believe that foundation has helped us through our struggles, but have also given us lots of laughter and trust. I love how my husband makes me laugh on a daily basis. He's so funny and he knows exactly what to say to get me to smile. Even when I'm grumpy or I'm trying to be serious... that is something I have always loved about him. When we were dating I used to think that being married to Jason would be good for many reasons, but one being that when we're 80 he'll still be making me laugh. :)

In keeping with the original title of this blog post... I'll talk about our wedding day. As most women, it was a day I'll never forget. I remember telling Jason the night before to call me when he woke up assuming fully that I would be awake long before he was. That was not the case, however. He called me at 7:30 in the morning and I was still sleeping! :) I remember getting out of bed and then heading to the store to by him a "our wedding day" card. I took a nice bath and then one of my dear friends and her boyfriend took me to get my hair done. I didn't have the traditional morning with all the bride's maids. Instead I wanted a quiet and intimate morning. I drank hot chocolate, chatted with my friend, and got my hair done. It was a very peaceful morning.

Then we went straight to the church. It was around noon and church was getting out which made for a large traffic jam (our membership is around 18,000). I rushed through the doors holding my veil in place from the wind/snow and made my way to the bride's dressing room. This room quickly became crowded with family and friends. Someone did my make up and then I began to get dressed. I sent Jason's sister to find him and deliver his groom's gift (a really nice leather brief case to replace his old). He sent her back with my bride's gift which was a Bible with my new name on it. I was filled with peace and excitement as I waited for 3:30 to roll around. There were a few moments of "oops" -- I forgot my jewelry at home and so I borrowed earrings from my sister-in-law and went without a necklace. I also thought I had packed some "special" underwear to wear under my wedding dress, but I couldn't find it anywhere. I arrived at the church in a pair that was not so attractive... so I wasn't sure what I was going to do about that. However, the sweet woman who did my makeup actually ran out and bought me some and handed it to me shortly before I walked down the aisle. It was sweet and also handed me a really big laugh.

The ceremony didn't start on time. I remember sitting in the dressing room thinking, "it is 3:30, why has the wedding not started yet?" Then the wedding coordinator came in and said there were still lots of people walking in so they were going to push the start time back a little bit. Finally, we all lined up outside the chapel doors and the processional began. My dad was a little "emotional" but I honestly was just excited to march up the aisle. I remember walking in and I couldn't even see Jason... so I looked and saw some of the people and smiled at them. As soon as I could see Jason's face, I looked at no one else.

Our ceremony was beautiful and Christ centered. Our minister did an incredible job not only making it personal for Jason and myself, but for laying out the Gospel message. We had him over a week or so before the wedding and I told him not to be afraid to use the word, "Hell" because I wanted our unsaved family and friends to have an opportunity to accept Christ if they had not yet. In fact, in our program, we mentioned that having our friends and family do that would be the best wedding gift they could give us. We had worship, scripture readings, and communion. We exchanged traditional vows.

Honestly, the thing I remember the most about our ceremony is how I felt the Lord's presence. I had never felt it so strongly anywhere before, more or less at a wedding. Jason said he felt the same thing. There was such peace, but it went beyond that. I know the Lord was orchestrating and blessing our entire day because He orchestrated and ordained our marriage. It was a very cool experience that I can't possibly describe in words, but is an experience I will never forget.

People said so many nice things about our ceremony... some saying that it was the most Christ centered wedding they have ever been to. Others saying that watching Jason and I worship was the highlight of the service. It was certainly special, that is for sure.

One funny moment was when our minister announced us "husband and wife" I automatically leaned in for the kiss while the minister was finishing up his sentence. He stopped what he was saying and said, "you're anxious, aren't you Darby? It's been a long time since January 22, 2002 hasn't it." Everyone was laughing by this point... then he continued his sentence and then told Jason he could kiss me which made everyone laugh again. Also during our kiss our minister said, "okay, okay, that's enough."  :)

Right after the kiss, our minister said, "now before we end, Darby, Jason has a surprise for you." And with that Jason leaves my side and joins the band in which they play a song that he wrote for me entitled "Princess Bride." Yes, I was shocked. :)

Our reception was fun. I was determined to have a different sort of reception... I always get very hungry while waiting for the bride and groom to finish taking their photos and so we had it that people could go on and begin eating while they waited for us to arrive. After our arrival we almost immediately had our first dance, cut the cake, and threw the bouquet/guarder so that anyone who wanted to leave could and that way we could spend the rest of the night dancing and talking. It was a very fun reception.

We spent our first night in a Marriott hotel and our second night back at our new house. Someone had told me that their biggest wedding advice was not to leave for your honeymoon the next day. They mentioned packing for the honeymoon while preparing for the wedding as well as waking up early for the flight was not a lot of fun the night after the wedding. We thought that was good advice and so we were married on a Sunday and didn't leave for our honeymoon until Tuesday. I will admit that Monday at our house was fun because we could focus on packing, but also we were able to open all of our gifts! :)

When I think back on both the ceremony and the reception, I realize how wonderful that day was... but as any married couple knows... the wedding is not the most important day of your life. It is only one day in your lifetime together and it is each and every day after your wedding that is by far more important. So, yes, I love to take the trip down memory lane - especially this time of year - but I'm thankful for each and every day that I am married to my best friend. Marriage is such an incredible blessing!!!!

Thanks for allowing me to share my memories and here are some photos to recap the day! :)

 

Merry Christmas!

I have a post saved in my drafts about our anniversary, but I'm waiting on my scanner to start working so that I can scan in some old pictures. :) So, until then, we'll move on to Christmas! :)

Christmas is tomorrow and I'm very excited. It is really a fun holiday with children. On the 23rd Havana and I had our first mother/daughter baking day. It was certainly a lot of fun! I had made sugar cookies the night before (from scratch) and so we decorated them while listening to Christmas music. Havana loved choosing the colors and sprinkles and she kept asking for "samples" of the icing. :) We also made Chocolate Scotcheroos and an apple pie. She and I had a fun morning and a new tradition was born. It was fun simply talking and hanging out in the kitchen with my little two year old. Jonah spent a lot of time in his command center in the kitchen, but he assured me he was too cool to cook with us. :)

There was one "moment" during the day. Havana kept running into our downstairs bathroom and would shut the door and then call for me by saying, "Mama, where are you?" This is her little way of playing hide and seek. So in between doing the dishes I would go and open the bathroom door and "find" her while she would laugh hysterically. However, one time I went back there I realized that I couldn't open the door! She had locked herself in there. I tried to speak calmly through the door as she continued to ask "Mama, where are you?" I told her I was trying to come in. I tried the wire hanger trick, but couldn't unlock the door. I called Jason at work and he asked if I could see the hinges of the door (I could not). Then he thought perhaps the window was open - no it was locked. At that point he suggested calling the fire department. Uh, no. There was no way I was going to call 911 for this. So, I called my wonderful neighbor. She was not home but her husband was and he came right over. All he had to do was touch the door and it opened! I asked him how he did it and at first he acted like he didn't do anything, but then he confessed he brought the key from his house! :) So thankful for our neighbors.

Havana spent a total of 40 minutes in the dark bathroom, but she never cried. She whined a little bit, but I bought some time by sliding flash cards and coloring books under the door. She did get scared when Adam opened the door and so she ran back and crouched behind the toilet. I told her she needed to thank Mr. "R" and she mildly said, "Thank you." So cute.

I called Jason back at work to update him and one of his co-workers answered the phone. He was kind of laughing at me and asked me if I had gotten everything taken care of. When I said I had he asked for details how. It was funny how many people ended up involved in rescuing our daughter from the bathroom. ;)

The evening of the 23rd we spent with my parents having our Christmas with them. Since Jason and I were on our honeymoon for our first Christmas we tend to like to keep the day for just our family. That is even more important now that we have children. So, we celebrated with my family on the 23rd and we'll celebrate with J's family after Christmas.

Tonight I kept trying to explain to Havana that it was Christmas Eve, but I'm not sure if she grasped the concept. In her mind, I put her to bed just like any other night. I wonder if she'll remember all that I told her tomorrow about Christmas when our morning is slightly different than most mornings. I found it very hard to explain why we give gifts to each other on Jesus' birthday. Perhaps this is the first year I've truly had to explain it, but I found myself stumbling over that tonight. I explained how we do it to celebrate Jesus and because He was the best gift we'll ever receive. I threw in how the wise men brought Jesus gifts, but found that all my answers for why I'm giving my children gifts tomorrow couldn't truly be linked to Jesus. I'll have to do more research on that tonight to better explain it tomorrow.

Jason and I don't do Santa with our children. We aren't opposed to him nor do we demonize him, but we made the decision that we were not going to have our children believe that Santa Clause really comes to our house at night. It basically boils down to lying. We have made a commitment never to lie to our children. I'm sure most parents don't set out to lie to their children and I don't view parents who believe in Santa as lying, but I'm simply saying we go very far to stick to that.

For example, if Havana is asking for a specific snack it is easy to tell her we don't have that so she'll have to eat something else. Yet, we choose to tell her that while we do have that snack... she needs to eat the snack we picked out. That is a small example. Or if we can only watch part of a show before bedtime I won't tell her that the DVD is broken or over... I'll tell her we have to end it early so we can go to bed on time. Little things like that are the standard in our family.

Going along with that, I was never comfortable with the idea of Santa. Perhaps part of it is selfish - I don't really want to clean up the mess when she finds out that he isn't real. Jason remembers vividly children making fun of him at school because he still believed (I think he was 2nd grade) and later that night he asked his dad if Santa was real. He said he was very disappointed when he found out the truth. I would hate to have Santa to be one of her favorite parts of Christmas only to find out that it all isn't real. Especially if I don't get the opportunity to tell her gently before mean children at school.

That isn't the only reason, but it does cross my mind. It boiled down to lying. I simply don't want to lie to my children. Jason, at first, wasn't sure he agreed with me. In fact, for Havana's first Christmas he told her that Santa had come to our house the night before. Granted, she was only two months old, but I remember not liking his big presentation. I figured it would be an area where I would have to submit to his leadership despite the fact I didn't like it. However, over the next year, I spent time praying for him to make the decision that was best for our family regarding Santa and a week before Christmas last year he said, "I've been thinking and praying and I don't think we should do Santa."

I was so relieved that Jason was led that way! It was so nice last Christmas to be united and to present gifts to Havana from us. This year has been even better because the whole time we knew how we were going to handle it. Jason's reasoning were slightly more spiritual. He agrees with me that there is nothing wrong with pretending Santa with your children, but he summarized it by saying it is hard enough to keep the sacred things sacred in this world as it is, and he wants to lead our family in a way that focuses on the sacred and so the less distractions the better.

We do have some ground rules. We don't ever want to demonize Santa. He isn't evil. Believing in him isn't evil. We want to teach our children about the REAL St. Nicholas and talk about how he was very generous. In the spirit of St. Nick, we want to have our children give to those in need through different charities all through the year, but especially at Christmas. This year I had Havana pick out a toy that she wanted to donate to our church's toy drive. She picked out a musical tea set that I know she would have loved to keep, but I was filled with pride when she walked it to the donation bin and put it in. As they get older, the emphasis on charity will increase.

I also don't want my children to be the ones who tell everyone they meet that Santa isn't real. We'll keep it very low key that we don't "do" Santa. We aren't going to say he is wicked. As they get a little older we will teach him about other families and how some of them have the tradition of Santa Clause coming to their house. I will paint it up as part of their family tradition and something we should respect. We can't hide Santa from our children. We can't act like he doesn't exist. He does and he is an important part of many families and that is something we want to respect. The people across the street have a Santa out in their front yard and when we drive by Havana always says, "Hi Santa." She knows who he is, but she doesn't think he comes down our fireplace and leave him gifts.

It is an interesting topic. We have many friends who are also not doing Santa which makes it very easy for our families around this time of year. However, I know we've also received criticism. Someone suggested that I was too legalistic. I'm not. I read an article in our church's newspaper that talked about WHY you should let you children believe in  Santa. It was a slightly bitter article that said if you don't let you children use their imaginations to pretend in Santa then you shouldn't let them play pretend games such as cops and robbers. I disagree. You can tell your children up front, "okay, we are going to play cops and robbers... havana you and pretend to be the robber and Jonah you can pretend to be a cop." They aren't actually going to believe that they are truly cops and robbers. It is pretend.

The article spoke of how happy his childhood was when on Christmas morning he would see evidence of reindeer in the yard. I think that is fun too, but I can't imagine myself placing half eaten carrots in the yard tonight when I'm trying to finish wrapping gifts. :) It just isn't me. Again, we feel that this is a decision each family can make for themselves and I also don't believe there is a right or wrong way to do it. Believing in Santa is neither right or wrong just as not believing in Santa is neither right or wrong. That's just my opinion, but it seemed this article was bitter towards those who don't let their children believe. I say, each family should celebrate as they feel led.

I am excited to see Havana's and Jonah's faces tomorrow. They both get so excited over new toys and I'm sure they will love some of the new things we have for them. Jonah is so big and interactive that it is hard for me to remember that this will be his first Christmas. I plan on making a really special breakfast as well! Havana loves the song "muffin man" and I realized the other day that I don't think she has ever eaten a muffin. So, I'll be making muffins and sweet rolls tomorrow for us to have a fun family breakfast before opening gifts.

I love creating new traditions. I never knew how much fun they could be until you add in some children. To think about them going through the years having these transitions we are creating now. Sort of makes me cry when I think about it. :) I am so blessed to be a mommy. I know this privilege that is denied to many who desire it. I also know it is a gift some people take for granted. Not me. I cherish every minute with my children. Knowing that I don't deserve each moment with them, but that each second is a blessing. Life is a miracle.

Speaking of life, I had my first ultrasound on Tuesday. My new little one was measuring at 9 weeks, 1 day. It's little heart was beating at 167 beats per minute and I was so relieved to see things going well. I still struggle with fear that this pregnancy might end, but I think that is a struggle I'll have with every pregnancy and all I can do is have faith that no matter what, God will be there.


I hope that all of you have a very Merry Christmas. I hope that you all pause to remember the REAL reason for the season...Jesus. Not simply baby Jesus in a manger, but adult Jesus who died for each one of us. I believe it was Luther who wondered if the angels were not envious of we sinful humans, for Christ assumed human flesh and became our Brother. And I'm so glad He did!

Merry Christmas!!!!!! 

November was fun...

November of 2010 is a month I won't soon forget! The first update of the month is the incredible announcement that I believe I have been healed of MS. In 2003 I began having neurological problems that have plagued me ever since. However, on October 31st I was prayed over for healing for the third time. Almost immediately I felt relief and within a few hours I felt better than I have in years. I have not taken my medicine since the first week in November and I haven't experienced one single symptom since then. I'm not sure what the Lord has planned for me in this area, but I'm thankful for this month and a half of a symptom free life. I firmly believe that the Lord can heal and I'm thankful for this time. I my symptoms ever do come back, I will know that the Lord has the power to take it away again at any moment and will accept His will for my life regardless. But, needless to say, November was an exciting month for me because each passing day I was amazed!

November continued to leave me awe struck by our Lord in the discovery that we are pregnant. As I mentioned in my last post - this is the very first time we have conceived without trying. I have always imagined how it would be if it would "just happen" but the joy surpassed all my expectations. I am so excited to see what the Lord wants to do in our family and how He wants to grow it. I love being so open to life. :)

It was fun because for the first time I was able to tell Jason in a "fun" way. The first time we found out we were pregnant I wasn't sure what I was seeing (after trying for 2.5 years and taking multiple tests I thought my mind way playing tricks on me). Anyway, I rushed downstairs and said, "Um, what is this?" The 2nd time Jason had just handed me the test to take, it showed up positive and I called him in by saying, "Um, come here." Jason was so convinced that I wasn't pregnant that he forgot he had just given me the test and he thought I was out of toilet paper or something. He walked in and I was pointing to the counter and I said, "What does this mean?" (he had brought a test home from work so it read a little differently than the ones you buy in the store). For our third time, we found out through our doctor who came into the room telling us that the test she just took had come up positive. Anyway, so for the first time I was able to know for a few minutes before telling Jason. I had originally thought about making him a card with a drawing of a positive pregnancy test that I would have Havana give to him, but she was sleeping and there was no way I was going to wait overnight to tell him. I'm not that patient. Ha. So I simply go downstairs and ask him to close his eyes. I walk across the room, hold the test up, and tell him he can open it. He laughs, says, "You're pregnant." Then he paused and said, "Are you really?" :)

Anyway, we also dealt with the false scare in November, but that turned out just fine so it adds to the sweetness of the month. Havana becomes more and more of a delight every day with her funny personality. She's become a little chatter box and her imagination has run wild which is fun to watch. Jonah is still incredibly content but also so funny! He is getting very playful and has the funniest laugh I've ever heard. He's started babbling and can even say "mama" now. He's eating a few purees and he loves cheerios. His first tooth broke through on Thanksgiving and he now has two.  I wonder it other parents truly just think about their children all day and do their hearts melt? I'm sure they do, but I am incredibly thankful for my husband and both of my children. I can't imagine a better life and I'm so grateful for my family. The Lord is good.   

There was one "hiccup" in November. I had an incredibly painful incident with a friend  I love. I don't really believe my blog is the best place to describe the situation, but I will say that it really troubled me. I spent nights up crying, I sought wise friends for their opinions on how I should handle the situation, and through it all... I fell deeper in love with my husband. You see, Jason is very good about listening to me. He always has been - even since before we were dating.

I remember once when we were only friends. I would see him on Sundays at church and I walked through the door and my nose was broken. He wanted to hear the story and so I began telling him about my car wreck. While I was talking to him a little girl came up and wanted to color with Jason. He began coloring with her, but made sure to look me in the eye and he said, "I'm still listening." That's not the only time, whenever I needed an ear - he was always there. One of the many things I love about sharing my life with Jason is that he is a good listener. He doesn't rattle off advice on how to fix it. He simply listens.



I would love to type more tonight, but I'm very sleepy. Soon I will update on December, Santa, and our anniversary. :) Goodnight!

Whew, what a day...

Okay, for those of you who might be new to blog... let's recap:

Jason and I try for 2.5 years before becoming pregnant for the first time (with help from a few drugs). We lost that baby, Elijah, at 11 weeks. That was in September of 07. A few months later, we find out that we've been matched with a birth mother and we make plans to adopt her little girl. The same week we find out we are pregnant again. After lots of prayer and conversations with adoption professionals... we are granted permission to still adopt Jasmine even though we are about 15 weeks pregnant. However, the birth mother changed her mind two days after she gave birth... we had named the baby, prepared this little girl's room... and in every way (except physically) had a still born child that we had to grieve. Fast forward a few months and I give birth to our healthy daughter, Havana. Fast forward 9 more months and we find out we're pregnant and expecting twins. A few weeks later, one of the twins stops growing... we end up carrying the other twin to full term. (There might have been one other miscarriage between Havana and Jonah... based on symptoms, but I never took a positive pregnancy test, so no one knows for sure). Not the most beautiful "adding to our family" story...

Yes, I have two healthy and beautiful children, but loss has been a part of each of our pregnancies. Infertility has been a struggle. Recently the Lord has really been working on me, bringing me to a peace with our losses, and helping me learn contentment. While I miss each one of our babies daily...   over the past few months, I have experienced healing like I've never known it before. I didn't seem to wrestle with God as much as I once had and I found myself content with my two children for the first time in years and I was peaceful.

The Lord has been working on me in a lot of ways since moving back to Louisville... Jason too. We've grown in our walks with Him and with each other. Life has been sweet. I was telling the Lord about a month ago that I would be happy adopting or having a biological third child... whatever He saw fit... then I felt Him ask me, "What if there is no third child?" Yikes, that wasn't an option! Ha. So, I worked it out with the Lord and was willing to accept that there might not be a third child in our home. As I stated earlier, the Lord has been really moving in my spirit to make my will more like His and so I came (without too much arguing!) to a place where I said, "Okay, Lord, Your Will, not mine." 

Not long after... we find out we are pregnant! 

Yes, the positive line was VERY faint... but it was there. I was excited, scared, and shocked. Shocked because this was the first time we have ever gotten pregnant without lots and lots of trying. We were not preventing, but we weren't trying either. Scared because i have yet to experience a pregnancy without a loss somehow involved and I did not want to walk to that valley of grief again. Excited because the moment you see that faint line... your heart grows, you have dreams for the baby, and you picture your life with another addition... it is exciting.

We had not yet found a doctor in our new town and so Jason calls me in some meds that I've taken with each pregnancy in order to help sustain it and I start taking those in addition to my prenatal vitamins. We sit on the news for a little while because Jason really enjoys the moments when only "we" know. A week later, I buy another pregnancy test to make sure the line is getting darker... it is.

Now, I'm growing even more excited and the Lord is teaching me how to handle my worry. I told Jason that I came to a point where I realize that I have very little faith that God can help sustain my pregnancies. That is not something I want to believe... that is a lie from Satan... so I had to battle it out and change my heart  and behaviors so that I reflected a person who had faith.

Jason and I begin to look for a doctor. We were very blessed in Indianapolis to have an amazing doctor and I was nervous about finding her replacement. However, we ended up finding someone that graduated with Jason in his medical school class. I remembered her and was very excited to go to someone who I knew.  She was also willing to see me right away instead of making me wait until I was 12 weeks along.

Today, I had my first appointment with her. I had to leave a urine sample and before I even was able to see the doctor the nurse asked me if I had gotten a positive pregnancy test at home. I said, "Yes" -- she said that my test was coming up negative there and perhaps I had gotten a false positive. I then said that I had taken more than one test, all had come up positive. She consults the doctor and they send me to the hospital to get some blood work done. They asked me to come back about an hour after my blood draw and they would assess the situation.

To say I was scared would be an understatement. I called Jason on my way to the hospital and through tears told him the situation. His response was a sad, "This is scary." I prayed and prayed and prayed. I asked for prayers from everyone... sending mass texts, posting on facebook, and e-mailing friends. Most of these people didn't even know I was pregnant... this was not how I expected sharing my news, but I needed prayers. I prayed for this baby to survive.

After I had my blood drawn, I found myself growing angry at Jason. I've never really been angry at him like this before. I was growing hard and in my mind I started accusing him of not caring as much for this baby...  I'm not sure where these thoughts came from. I decided to run an errand before heading back to the doctor's office and the entire car ride I cried. I came to the conclusion that the "good" place the Lord had brought me to was only to prepare me for this moment. He was preparing me for this loss. I would NOT let Satan take that away from me. Then I thought about Jason and how I would NOT let Satan use this as a wedge in our marriage. We have an incredible marriage  despite all of our heart aches and that I not something I'm going to let go of. So I found myself screaming in the car, "Satan will NOT have my family..."

That might sound crazy... but it was all I knew what to do. I had surrendered to the idea that the baby was not going to make it. I was wrestling with all the emotions that follow that news, but I refused to ask God, "Why?" I refused to be mad at God... I refused to allow Satan to place ideas in my head to be mad at Jason... it was a crazy roller coaster ride.

That is when my phone rang... it was the doctor's office... explaining to me that they were very sorry, but the lab must have gotten urine samples mixed up. They tested MY urine and it came up positive!

What?! Doesn't matter, PRAISE THE LORD!!!!! I return to the office and go through the typical new patient/first trimester appointment. I was understanding of the mistake, but still trying to wrap my mind over all that had happened... being told  my pregnancy test was coming up negative... thinking I was facing my 5th baby loss... wrestling with how this fit into God's will for my life. Fighting Satan for my family... all to find out it was an error in the lab.

Relief, Joy, Thankfulness... yes, those certainly describe my emotions. More than anything, I'm thankful the Lord was with me in those moments. Helping me to fight Satan when I didn't know what was going on with my baby. Being there with me on this journey. For bringing me to a place where I could surrender to His will... not matter what it was. I was already saying to myself, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away... but  I will choose to say, 'Lord, blessed be YOUR name.'"

So, false alarm.. yes. Do I wish I had more faith so that I would not immediately assume the worst? Yes... however, I'm thankful for those who stopped what they were doing to pray for me and my baby. We felt it... and those prayers were answered. I have no doubt that God was using those prayers to help this incredible baby to stay strong during this uncertain first trimester. I also have no doubt that the peace that people prayed for me helped me from sinning in the moment of what I thought was loss. How easy it could have been to throw my hands up at God and walk away from Him. To ask why His way had to involve such loss. Sitting where I am now... that is a silly thought because there is no loss, but at the time, when I was sure there was a loss... I am thankful for those who prayed for me. Your prayers were answered. God, as always, is faithful.

If tonight I was truly grieving the death of another baby... He would be just as faithful as He was on the days that I gave birth to Havana and Jonah. In that moment where I felt my baby would be gone... He was there. He is good. I am confident I would have written that phrase tonight no matter what the outcome might have been. He is good. His ways are good. His ways will very rarely look like how we want our ways to look, but  they are so much better. So much sweeter. Our God makes no mistakes.

I'm not sure how to end this post. I'm emotionally exhausted from the roller coaster that today way. I'm incredibly thankful to God for the little life still inside of me. I'm humbled by those who have been praying for me. But more than anything, I'm burdened for those who are not walking in the ways of the Lord. I've been there... I've done that. There is no way I could have survived the scare that today held if I had not been walking with the Lord like I have been the past few months. Have I been perfect? NO! But, Jason and I have been transformed recently... we've come to a point where we are not "okay" with just being Christians... we want to strive to be more like Christ each and every day. To do that, we have to be brutally honest with each other and with those in our lives who will call us out, speak Truth into our lives, and not let us settle for less than Christ's best for us. That isn't easy and it certainly isn't fun, but we've learned that it is easy to surround yourself with people who think you are wonderful. It is easy to have friends who simply want for your life what YOU want for your life... but those aren't Biblical friends.

We've been convicted that we need to surround ourselves with those people who love us enough to point out our sins, who spur us on to be more Christ like, those who don't want what we want for our lives, but they want what God wants for our lives. Those friends are irreplaceable. And it is those friends who have brought me to a place in my walk with Jesus where I could duke it out with Satan in the car... telling him He will not have my family... not matter what the outcome of this pregnancy is... He will not win.

So, tonight, my heart is thankful for our baby, but burdened for those in our lives who are complacent with their sin. Those who don't want the Truth spoken into their lives. Because days like today hit us all... days where our world comes crashing down... and there are two ways to handle it: 1)God's way or 2)Your Own Way. And I know from personal experience, the 2nd way only leads to more heart ache. So, I want to encourage everyone, keep fighting the good fight of faith... knowing that it will be hard. That people will say things to you that you don't want to hear. That it will require you to change things in your life you would rather keep the way they are. You will look like a fool to the world... but to God, you will be the apple of His eye. And when the rains come in... when the sands slips away... you will KNOW that no matter what... Satan will NOT win because You and All those you surround yourself with will Not allow him. What Satan intended for evil... God will accomplish for good... the saving of many lives! 


Thanking God for my baby, my two healthy children, my incredible Christ-like husband, my friends who help me walk in the ways of Christ, and His forgiveness for the times I fail. So thankful tonight... and prayerful... for the baby, for my family, and for you...

God Bless!