Tent Of Meeting

Now Moses used to take a tent and pitch it outside the camp some distance away, calling it the “tent of meeting.” Anyone inquiring of the LORD would go to the tent of meeting outside the camp. And whenever Moses went out to the tent, all the people rose and stood at the entrances to their tents, watching Moses until he entered the tent. As Moses went into the tent, the pillar of cloud would come down and stay at the entrance, while the LORD spoke with Moses. Whenever the people saw the pillar of cloud standing at the entrance to the tent, they all stood and worshiped, each at the entrance to his tent. The LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with his friend. Then Moses would return to the camp, but his young aide Joshua son of Nun did not leave the tent.

Exodus 33:-7-11

This passage is near to my heart today. Yesterday I had the privilege of hearing a mighty woman of God speak. She talked about the importance of having a "tent of meeting" in our home. One where we can meet with God on a regular basis. I agree whole heartily with that, but she took it further. She talked about teaching your kids, from a very young age, to also have their own tent of meeting. I grew more and more excited as she explained how she taught her two year old to have a quiet time. Jason and I have done a daily devotion since we were dating... when we had Havana we changed that into a family devotion time. However, we save our own personal quiet times for the mornings before the children are awake or during their nap times. We have never had our quiet time in front of our children. We have talked several times about teaching them to have their own quiet times perhaps when they phase out of taking a nap or sometime in the future. Yet, i was convicted yesterday as this woman spoke of the importance of having the children see mom in her "tent of meeting" having her own quiet time. Showing them (not just telling them) that I live daily on the Word of God.  She also encouraged that we do this first thing to make it a priority. I discussed this with Jason last night and we decided that we would start that today. In addition to our family devotion time at night we will add a morning quiet time for our children. We prayed about where our "tent of meeting" should be. Mine is at my desk when I have my own quiet time, but for the children we thought (at least while they are this young) we need to have everyone on the couch.

So, today, I started the day waking up before the children and having my own personal time with God in my own "tent of meeting". Then I woke the children up and took them down for breakfast. After all three children had eaten I told them we were going to have our own personal quiet times and they needed to sit on the couch. I gave two Bible story books to Havana and two to Jonah. I set Selah in her swing. I set the microwave timer for one minute and told them we were going to be quiet and read our Bibles until the timer went off.   Jonah (17 months old) patted his Bible (what we've taught him to do) and kept saying "Bible" (pat pat) "Bible (pat pat). I don't think he even opened it. :) Havana looked at her books. She did ask once where daddy was. I told her he was at work and then reminded her that we were being quiet until the timer went off. I opened my Bible and read in Esther. Once the timer went off I told the children they did a great job having a quiet time and I was very proud of them. Havana said, "do it again." - I told her she could keep reading if she wanted to... it lasted may 30 seconds longer, but I was on cloud nine. I couldn't believe how well they took to the new routine and I told them we were going to be doing this every morning.

My children in their "tent of meeting" - this was after the timer went off. Havana wanted to do it again and apparently Jonah was done. :) 

I had a meeting today at church and so after our little quiet time I loaded everyone up and we were gone for a few hours. As soon as we came home Havana ran to the couch and said, "Havana read Bible, Baby Jonah read Bible, Mama read Bible again?" -- she was asking to do it again! My heart was overwhelmed. We will be doing it again tomorrow and the next day and the next day... I would like to add in a family prayer time after the quiet time. That slipped my mind today, but will talk with Jason tonight about it and hopes we add it in tomorrow. So excited to see how God is going to use this time! As I was reading Exodus 33 today and focusing on the "tent of meeting" I was struck by the last verse about how Joshua "did not leave the tent." -- I began to pray that our children will never "leave the tent" as they get older. Of course they can't stay on the couch all day, every day, but spiritually I pray that by setting up these family quiet times my children will learn to talk to God as if to a friend and that they will never leave His presence. Praying hard for my kiddos to be sold out followers of Christ! Oh, how I love my Lord, His Word, and learning from others who are wise in the faith!

Dating Anniversary!

October 19, 2002:

It was a Saturday and I was getting ready to attend a wedding of some friends from church. My date for evening was a good friend of mine named Jason. A young man who I had been friends with for the past 10 months. Jason and I had been " casual dating" for the past four months. We were seeing a lot of each other... going out to eat, movies, concerts, at his apartment, participating in ministries and mission trips together and the like. We would hold hands or he would put his arm around me, but we never kissed and we were not "boyfriend/girlfriend". He had started one conversation with me about a month earlier, in which he stated that while he enjoyed going out with me, he wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship because he had just started medical school  and the work was taking up all of his time. Plus, just a few months prior, he had broken up with a girlfriend and he was still trying to heal from that relationship. I was alright with his pacing and expressed that to him. I truly enjoyed his friendship and all our spiritual discussions. We worked together in a few different ministries at church and so saw each other a few times a week. After church on Sunday and Wednesday we would usually go out to eat or to see a movie. He invited me over to his apartment a lot to play games, eat pizza, and work on ministry things. Occasionally I would make him dinner and on big test days I asked him to leave his apartment unlocked and while he was taking the test I would clean his apartment and leave him notes about how I prayed for him. We had been to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert just a few weeks before which was a memorable date for me. We would also meet on campus a lot where he was a medical student and I was a sophomore in my undergrad years. We enjoyed "bumping" into each other often and had a very easy friendship. Our favorite thing to do together was pray. It was a perfect friendship.

I spent the morning shopping for a new outfit and getting my hair cut and styled at a local spa. I was looking forward to a fun, fall wedding. Once I was ready, I made my way over to Jason's apartment where we were going to hang out before leaving for the wedding. I knock on the door, my heart racing as it always did when I was in his presence, and I hear him call from inside, "Come on in."

I walk and and there he is (looking very handsome) standing in front of TV watching an Ohio State vs. Wisconsin game. He does not hide his double take as I enter. He was impressed with my appearance and loved my hair. He walks over, greets me with a hug, and then tells me how nice I look. I'm wearing a skirt, nice shirt, my hair is styled in a very nice "up-do" and I'm wearing a long dress rain coat that he still tells me how much he likes. :) We watch a little of the game and then we turn it off early to leave for the wedding. We ride to the wedding in his old 93 Dodge Dakota Truck. It was rainy and somewhat chilly, but it worked out well, because we had to stand close to each other under Jason's umbrella when walking to/from the car. In fact, Jason remembers how natural pulling me close and putting his arm around my waist felt to him. Perhaps that is another one of the reasons it ended up being such a special night.

We hold hands during the ceremony, but as I mentioned, holding hands, even his arm around my waist, wasn't out of the ordinary. The wedding was beautiful and Christ Centered. Jason and I were very happy for the bride and groom. We head on the reception which was at the Louisville Slugger Field. The reception was very personal and fun! Jason started the conversation (!) about things he wanted at his wedding (which of course is a favorite conversation of this girl) and whispered in my ear, "you know, it takes a lot for me to look up from a football game... especially if it is an Ohio State game... especially if they are losing, but when you walked in my door I couldn't look at anything else." :)  Jason and I sat at a table with another couple and we shared stories and laughter with them. The husband of that couple finally asked how long we had been together. A little awkward pause and then Jason said (with his arm still around my shoulders), "Actually, we are aren't dating, but really good friends." Another slight pregnant pause. I am certainly okay with his answer, but now I'm oddly aware that his arm is around my shoulder and that might continue to give others the wrong idea... so I discretely move my chair a little farther away from Jason so that his arm can't be around me anymore.

Later that evening, we hit the dance floor for a little bit (I loved our dances to "Love Shack" and "How Do I Live?" the best that night) and enjoy a fun evening at the reception. We had a few funny moments that are still inside jokes between us. Finally, after we eat some cake, we say goodbye to the happy couple and head back to Jason's truck. He takes me to the medical school campus and shows me around. I see his desk, his locker, and his classrooms. We pray together there for him and his medical school career. Then we head back to his apartment.

Once inside, he makes us some snacks and we watch some of the baseball playoffs together. We end up snuggling in front of the TV and I fall asleep pretty quickly (baseball is about the same as watching paint dry, to me at least). I end up waking up because I'm cold and really have to go to the bathroom, but I realize Jason is asleep and his arm is around me. The clock says it is about 2:30 in the morning. I'm not sure what time Jason fell asleep, but the TV was still on (again, we are in his living room, don't get any wrong ideas that we were in his bed... ha) and Shakira is singing 'Underneath Your Clothes" on some late night talk show. I lay there, very still, not wanting to wake Jason up. Not sure how long it was, but finally, he woke up too. So,  in a very  20 year old fashion, I show my immaturity by acting like I'm asleep. I wanted to see what he would do or how he would try to wake me up. He stretches a little, looks at me, looks at the clock, and then pulls me closer to himself. I still act as if I'm sleep, but I won't lie, my heart was racing even more than usual. That's when he moves some of my hair and begins to kiss the side of my neck, my cheek, and then turns my head towards him (I'm "awake" by this point) and kisses me on the lips. I kiss him back.

Seriously, the first (and only) thought going through my head was, "I can't believe the Jason Dugger is kissing me." You see, I had been attracted to Jason from the first moment I had met him. I don't know if it is the fact he is older than me by several years or if it is because he is the most amazing man I've ever met, but I always assumed he was way out of my league. I still don't know how I managed to attract such an amazing man. He loves the Lord, he is intelligent, musically talented, althetically talented, funny, kind, and the list goes on and on... :). Okay, back to 2002, :), he kisses me for a little bit. It was great.

We don't kiss very long (boundaries), but after our kiss we just smile and Jason said he had been wanting to do that for a while. He confessed he wasn't sure how he was going to start a relationship with me while in his first year of medical school, but he was going to find some way to make it work because "friends don't kiss" - I loved his integrity in wanting to pursue me the right way... giving me the time and commitment he needed to in order to honor the kiss he had just given me. I told him that if God was calling me to be his girlfriend then He would help me be the girlfriend I needed to be to him despite the medical school thing. It didn't seem like a big deal to me, but that is one of the many things I love about Jason is he is very serious and takes commitments (both academically and relationally) very serious and wants to give his best. After our conversation we prayed together and then I went back to my house on cloud nine. There had been several dates over the last few months where I would leave his house and just pray that the Lord would bring us together because he was such an amazing man... so my drive home that night was one of my happiest conversations with the Lord. I felt like such a blessed woman to be Jason's girlfriend. And I was... and still am.

October 19th, 2011

It was a rainy and cold Wednesday. I woke up early for my Bible Study and Jason helps me get the children ready and to church. I go to my Bible Study where I learn from some amazing women and he spends some time in the Word while waiting on me. After church, Jason helps me load up the children and listens to me talk about what I learned on the drive home. We get home and he offers to make lunch while i play with the children. When lunch is ready I see it is the first meal he ever made for me back when we were dating: some peanut Thai recipe. (I remember he made it for me on December 22, 2002... he had started Christmas break and he wanted to do "our Christmas" that night and he had me come over and he had made this dinner. He had made me dinners before, but those were frozen meals... this was the first one he "actually made" for me. And we had a nice candle lit dinner that night). I remember not liking it back in 2002, but back then I didn't like different types of food, but now I love Thai food so I gobbled it up and loved how romantic his gesture was in the midst of taking care of three children. We spent some time together  during the children's nap times instead of doing chores and really just enjoyed each others company. Later that night, after our daughter's speech therapy, we had a babysitter come and we went on a date night. We grabbed a quick bite to eat and then went to see the movie Courageous. It was great to be out and the movie was good. I was so thankful to be sitting next to "the" Jason Dugger.... now as his wife. We've been married for almost seven years, we've experienced trials and pains, we've experienced joys and laughter.... but last night as I watched the movie about being a courageous father... I knew I was married to one of the best fathers in the world.  -- I am so blessed to be married (and still dating!) Jason... he is amazing. He has my complete respect, my total trust, and all of my heart. I am also glad he still humors me in celebrating our "dating anniversary" - he's a great husband and God has blessed me so much by giving me him to lead our family. Nine years after our first kiss... my heart still races and I still often find myself thinking, "I can't believe "the" Jason Dugger is kissing me." So thankful...

Poop, Exhasution, Idols, Helplessness and Stinky Bottom!

Motherhood... I love it. I love having dance parties. I love giggling until I get the hiccups. I love reading stories. Saying prayers. Tucking in tight. Brushing teeth. Wiping Bottoms. Cleaning up spilled milk. Wiping away the tears because of the spilled milk. Correcting. Disciplining. Hugging. Kissing. Swinging. Kicking the ball. Playing pretend. Drawing. Singing.

But, while I'm having fun in this dream job... I'm learning some incredible and humbling lessons. A few weeks ago, we had six days where poop ended up outside the diapers in some form or another. On Monday Havana pooped while in her room for nap time. I kept hearing her awake and I thought it was weird she wasn't going to sleep. I left her in there for two hours (her normal nap time) expecting her to eventually fall asleep. She never did and when I walked in I realized that it was because she had pooped. I discovered this first by the smell that greeted me once I opened the door. Quickly followed by the brown that was everywhere. On her bed. On her stuffed animals. On her face. YIKES! Into the bath we went.

The next day I turn the corner to find Jonah playing elbow deep in the toilet. Into the bath he went. As I was bathing him Havana had another bowl movement, but I didn't discover it until I walked into MY (yes, my) bedroom and saw that she had taken her diaper off and it was all over my bedspread... my walls... my closet... Into the bath she went. As I am giving her a bath Jonah got into Selah's diaper champ and was taking out dirty diapers (and putting them in his mouth, just keeping it real here!) and was putting toys INTO it...  Back into the bath he went. Into the sink the toys went. Then I went in to clean up my room from the earlier diaper incident. I prayed, "Oh Lord, give me strength" And in that moment He whispered, "Show your children the grace I show you every day as I lovingly clean up the poop in your life." Wow. Talk about a game changer. I stress level went down and a smile  broke out across my face. I sang songs with the children as I wiped up all the poop in my room. My heart was overflowing as I realized this is what the Lord does in my own life every single day. Oh, how I need His grace!

Wednesday I figured there would be no poop because I had learned that amazing lesson on Tuesday. Lesson learned, Lord, no need for unscheduled baths! Nope. We were playing downstairs and I smelled a little something... I look and I notice it outside of Jonah's diaper. Blow out! Yikes... I quickly run him upstairs and was taking off his shirt. His blow out had reached his hair! Just as I get his shirt off he leans up against the wall. It's now everywhere. Into the bath he went.

I'll spare you the details of the next few days, but they follow the same pattern as the previous days. Each time I wiped poop off of something I kept thinking about the spiritual poop that was in my own life. Oh, how I loved thinking of the Lord wiping me clean each day as I was cleaning and sanitizing my house. The Scriptures tell us that "the Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion." How beautiful and what a timely lesson as I resolved to use each of those moments to show my children that the Lord is abounding in love. His grace is a beautiful thing... and while I do hope I showed my children a glimpse of the Lord's grace and love... I'm pretty sure that week was given to me as a gift for my own growth rather than just a teaching tool for my children.


The other day I was running low on energy. I was feeding Selah and I simply breathed a prayer asking God to get me through the day. In that moment I was reminded that the Lord "will not grow tired or weary." Wow! The Lord never sleeps. He doesn't need to. He doesn't grow tired. He doesn't count down the minutes until bedtime. He doesn't yawn. Imagine for a minute what that would be like? To be honest it is somewhat hard for me to grasp that, but that truth about God alone makes me worship Him as my Strong Tower. He is able to give me His strength to make it to the next moment when my body is so weary. What a great promise!

I told Jason that I think I discovered a new idol in my life. :( Nap time. All three of my children nap at the same time. I usually use that time for me. Sometimes that a nap, other times a bath, rarely I use that time to be productive (cleaning, cooking, etc). I enjoy those two-three hours of peace. The other day Jonah had taken a short nap in the car on the way home and so he didn't want to take an afternoon nap. I tried to put him down after the other two were down, but he was not going to have it. I knew it was risky knowing his car nap was most likely throwing him off. I made him fuss through it for over an hour (hoping that he would exhaust himself and finally fall asleep), but he didn't. I resigned the fight and went to get him up. I was grumpy and grumbling about how I didn't get "my time" and that's when it hit me. That is an idol in my life. I covet that few hours of silence to the point that my attitude goes sour if I don't get it. How selfish! How wrong! In the hallway I quietly repented and opened Jonah's door and joyfully rushed in to get him up. I am sure the next time nap time gets taken away from me I'll struggle with it, but I'm trying to put to death that idol in my life.

Last week Jonah was sick. The poor guy cried for three days... he didn't sleep, eat, or drink. It was rough and I couldn't do anything to help him feel better. Poor little guy. In those moments of looking at his little face I felt the Lord say, "that is you." He was right. There are things in my life that I am so helpless about all I can do is cry. I can't even formulate words. And I don't know about you, but often in those helpless times I fail to pray simply because I feel like I'm too helpless to pray. Well, I'm learning that being helpless is the foundation for true prayer. Just as Jonah was so helpless -- he didn't have any words to describe to me his pain - he just cried... I  knew what was wrong with him, I just held him and loved him through it. Well, God is the perfect parent. He loves Jonah more than I love Jonah. He loves me with that love too. So when I'm helpless it is a direct cry from my heart to God's heart. He knows what is wrong even if I don't have words to articulate it. He wants to hold me and love me through it. In watching Jonah deal with a nasty virus I learned that God wants to be invited into our helplessness. What a relief that was for me!

Poor Jonah's helpless face! 

Trust me when I say that not all of my lessons are so beautiful. Some are down right humbling. Like watching what comes out of my mouth. Havana started saying this phrase, "No, Baby, That's mine." (She calls Jonah "baby"). I was shocked at her selfish heart and tried to correct her several times that we don't say that phrase, but that we have a heart to share. Jason and I were talking about it and realized she must have learned this from the nursery at church. A day or two later Jason and I were working on something and Jason moved something of mine and I said, "No, baby, that's mine." Of course my tone was different than Havana's and by baby I was referring to my husband... but the wording was 100% the same. I didn't even noticed I said it. Jason, on the other hand, busted out laughing and then restated my concern of, "I have no idea where she learned that phrase." HAHA. Guess the nursery wasn't to blame. Then Havana's next phrase was "Stinky Bottom" -- okay, I knew I didn't say anything like this... so this phrase she must have picked up from the nursery. She said it for several days... anytime Jason or I bent over she would run up laughing and say, "Stinky Bottom" -- it got tot he point that it was disturbing. Where did she hear such words?! Then, one day Jonah had a nasty diaper and I picked him up and said, "Wow, you have a stinky bottom." That's right. Another winning comment that she learned from her mommy... not the nursery. Ouch.

Motherhood... I'm learning a lot. :)

Chuck-E-Cheese

A few weeks ago Jason suggested that we take the children to Chuck-E-Cheese for our morning outing. We hadn't been there since Jonah's birthday so I happily agreed. I mean, we avoid the food at all costs, but going there is always fun for the kids (and for the husband who enjoys playing pop-a-shot).

It was neat for me to watch Havana and Jonah. Havana wanted to play Skeeball, but she didn't always grasp the concept. She quickly grew bored and then played a game on one of the rides. She imagined she was a "wonder pet" and would sing the wonder pet theme song as she road this ride. She certainly was in her own little world and it was captivating to watch.

Jonah, on the other hand, wanted nothing to do with the rides. He insisted on playing any of the ball games. He played the pop-a-shot with his dad and the child version of one. If you tried to redirect him he would get frustrated and say, "ball" and just walk back to one of the ball games. There were some older kids (about 8) there and they were playing basketball and Jonah walked up to them with no fear and said "ball" and tried to play with them. It was so funny to watch!

As I took all of this in I noted how Havana and Jonah are so wonderfully different. Havana is shy, she enjoys singing, she uses her imagination to pretend she is part of a TV show... Jonah doesn't think twice about going up to older kids, he only wants to play ball... don't try to make him do anything else. It was fun to watch their personalities gravitate towards their passions. I love that my kiddos are different and into different things. I am looking forward to discovering more about Selah's interests. Each child is fearfully and wonderfully made!

Talking up a storm!

Dear Jonah,

You, my boy, amaze me. I had no idea kids this young talk so much. You can say anything... and most of the time when you say something I'm unaware that you even knew what something was. For example, the other night I was holding a graham cracker and you looked at it and said, "eat graham cracker." I didn't even know you knew what they were called! Today you looked at Havana and said, "I love Havana." What?! You're only 16 months old... really... and you can put words together?! I'm so impressed!

Here's a list of some of the other words/phrases you can say, "Daddy, Mommy, Tucker, Havana, Eat, Bottle, Poo Poo, Up, Down, Do it again, Little Buddy, Open, Let's Go, There you go, Grandaddy, Cookie, Black, White, Apple, Bible, Eyes, Nose, Car, Ball, Ice Cream, Drink, All Done, More, Swing, Hello, Bye Bye, Book, Read, Pop, Hammer, Amen, Wow... etc.

The other day I was working in the kitchen while you were sitting at your high chair. I heard you saying "I" "I" "I" the I heard "Ose" "Ose" "Ose" -- I wasn't paying close attention so i said, "oh are you saying your vowel sounds, "A, E, I, O, and U" -- but then I look up at you are pointing to you eyes saying, "eye" then to your nose and you said "Ose." Um, I about fainted because I have never, ever once reviewed your body parts with you! How in the world did you know where your eyes and nose were? I asked you to show me your ears - you did. Your mouth- you did. Your hair - you did! I later found out your daddy had been teaching you those things, but I'm still amazed at how smart you are!!!

I'm having fun with you these days. We have this game where I will fake cough and then you will fake cough and then we both laugh. It goes on for several minutes and I never get sick of it. You also get so excited about playing hide-n-seek. You are in that fun phase where when you can't see us you assume that we can't see you. So you'll cover your eyes and then you will breath very heavy with excitement over when we will find you.  It is pure joy. And, boy, you are in love with balls. Any and every kind of ball. There are balls in your room and you point them out while we change your diapers. There are some on your sheets and you often point and them and yell, "ball" when you're in your crib. You have learned where we keep the balls in the garage and you are on a mission to get them as soon as we head to the car. You even see balls when I have no idea they are around. We were playing outside and you freaked out and started screaming, "Ball!" "Ball!" "Ball!" I said, "Jonah, there are no balls out here." But, of course, you were looking two doors down and they had a ball in their yard! I can't believe you noticed it! Or we will be at the store and you'll yell ball and I'll look around and someone is wearing a shirt with ball. You're amazing and I can't wait to see your athletic ability develop!

I love you, little man! And I'm so proud of your speech! Oh, and I'm so proud that you have learned how to walk... September 1st you became a walker! Now, you're a walker and a talker. :) Love you, Bubs!

My Funny Firstborn!!!!

Dear Havana,

You are so funny! I have been trying to write down all the funny things you do and say in order to remember them, but that is becoming hard because you are constantly making me laugh! I love watching you use your imagination, improve in your speech, and become who the Lord has made you to be! Here are some of my favorites:

• We were getting in the car and after I sat down behind the wheel you said, "vana drive." I explained that you couldn't driving, but that mommy was driving. Without missing a beat you said, "Baby Jonah drive?" -- I laughed wondering if my driving scares you. 
• There is a billboard with a picture of the Mona Lisa on it. You love that billboard. You always look for it and yell, "Hi Mona Lisa!" when we pass it. The other day you were drawing and I asked you what you were drawing and you said, " the Mona Lisa" - you are my little artist. :) Speaking of drawing, the other day in the car you were drawing and you pointed to your picture and said, "baby Jonah." I looked at the picture and it was a clear face! I was so proud and filled with laughter! You are so cute.

• We tried potty training you recently. You really enjoyed sitting on the big girl potty. You would sit on there for a long time and you would say, "Vana sit on big girl potty. Vana big girl." However, my sweet girl, you never actually went to the bathroom. When you had to go you would scream, "no sit on big girl potty. Vana sit in diaper." Needless to say, we put a pause on the potty training. ;) 
• You're getting very into the "big girl" -- you want to eat "like a big girl" drink water "like a big girl" and sit in the "big girl swing" - it is fun to watch you mature.  
• You are certainly becoming "mommy's little helper" - you help me out a lot by obeying, picking up your toys, and feeding tucker. Whenever Jason walks out of the house with a trash bag you yell, "vana help" and you help him walk it to the curb!
• You are wanting to dress up like mommy too! You'll put on my shoes or my jewelry and pretend to be me. This warms my heart. Today you were wearing my tennis shoes and then you picked up my Bible study book and said, "my read this too." I loved that you associated me with a Bible study book! I hope I continue to set that example for you!
• You have some interesting ideas of what mommy looks like. There is billboard by the zoo with a photo of Paula Dean.  You insist that is mommy. Not sure what I think about that one, dear child. :) You also think Jodi Benson (the host of God Made Me) looks like me and whenever she comes on the show you scream, "mama." The other person you seem to think is me is a character from a Dr. Seuss book. In Green Eggs and Ham there is "Sam I Am" and the "person" (aka creature) who won't try the green eggs. Well, that unnamed person you insist is mommy. Thanks, Honey. :) 

• When reading your books, your newest thing is "matching." You will match up pictures. If on one page there is a picture of a girl eating and then someone else is eating a few pages later, you flip back and look at both illustrations. You do this with everything. You even make connections that I didn't know where there. We have a book of several of the Princess stories and if the prince is wearing a cape in the Sleeping Beauty story - you will flip to the Snow White story and look at the prince wearing a cape in that one too. It amazes me that you can seem to find a "matching" connection in whatever book we are reading. You are so smart.
• Speaking of the Princess book - you are getting into the whole Princess theme. It started back at Disney World when your room was decorated with the Princesses. Then we came home and you had princess pajamas. Then you started reading their stories. We insert the songs from the move into the books and you love to sing and dance. The other day I walked into your room and you were dressed up in a crown, fancy dress, and you were wearing some jewelry. You told me you were "Aurora."  I love watching this Princess stage and I'm fairly certain we'll be having a princess themed birthday party! 

• You LOVE to sing. In fact, last weekend when I picked you up from the nursery I said, "I'm here to get Havana." The nursery volunteer said, "Oh Havana, she is such a good singer." You sing constantly. You recently went through a "Little Miss Muffett phase where you sang that often. One day I walked into a room and you were standing on a stool with a microphone singing that song and acting it out. It was precious to watch because you had no idea I was there. Currently you love the "Wonder Pets" theme song and "Jesus Loves Me"
• Every night before bed we do "shadows" on the wall. We go in the same order every night: bunny, cow, butterfly, sheep, duck, horse/donkey. Well, the other day I was changing your diaper and you were holding your Pluto and you noticed his shadow on the wall. You lit up and said, "First we do bunny (made Pluto do the bunny shadow), second we do cow..." and I laughed so hard. I loved watching you pretend, but that is also the first time I heard you use the words "first" and "second" and so forth. Smart cookie! :) 
• watch you play with him. Often times when you are singing a song you will run up to him and get in his face and sing it really loudly... I tell myself you are trying to teach it to him, but I'm not sure if that is it or not. We recently taught you all how to play tag (which ended up being me running between the two of you while you both sat laughing in the yard) and Hide-n-Seek. It is fun that we're getting to that "game" stage with you all. The other day you and Jonah were playing on your bed and you leaned down to give him a kiss on the cheek. He moved away after your kiss and you said, "No baby Jonah, on the mouth." and then you pinned him down and planted a huge kiss on his mouth. He just sat there wide eyed. I laughed until I cried. Not all of your interactions with Jonah are sweet, however. You've come up with this new phrase, "No, Baby, that's mine." You will say it whenever he is getting too close to something you are playing with. We have tried to tell you that when you say that phrase you aren't having a good heart... hopefully if we are consistent you will stop saying that. 

• You were giving Jonah a hug recently and you hugged him so hard that he fell and hit his head on the kitchen floor. I watched the whole thing and so I know your heart was in the right spot, but I still told you to go and sit on the couch until I was able to come talk to you. That is where I send you when you are in trouble. I comfort Jonah and then go over and talked to you. I talked about how we need to be gentle, but stressed that I knew your heart was in the right place so you aren't in trouble. Once I was done talking I told you that you were allowed to get up and as soon as you stood up you said, "now I spank your bottom" and you spanked your own bottom (which is what I do after talking with you on the couch if you have disobeyed). I tried to explain that because your heart was right you didn't deserve a spanking this time, but I'm not sure you grasped that. :) 
• I did ask you once why were you being mean to Jonah. A question I ask you a lot. Your answer was, "because I was mean to Jonah." I know I shouldn't have, but I started laughing. I really, really try hard to not laugh when disciplining you, but sometimes it is difficult. Anyway, I was really proud of the fact you used the word "because" - we have been trying to teach you to answer us with more than a one word answer. 
• In regards to your speech you continue to make progress. Last weekend when I picked you up from the nursery at church we were walking in the hallways and I asked you what you learned about. you told me you learned about King David. I asked why did Samuel choose King David and you told me "because he had a good heart." Another mom heard my conversation and asked how old you were. I said 2.5 and she was shocked and said, "so is my daughter and we don't have conversations like that." Now, I'm not celebrating her daughter's delay by any means, but I was so happy to hear someone compliment your speech! You are awesome, little one! 

Those are just a few of the highlights that I've been storing up in my heart. I love being your mama and watching you grow! You are my very funny firstborn!

Missing Elijah...

Tonight everyone (including my sweet newborn and my handsome husband) in my house was alseep shortly after 9pm. With  four people snoozing upstairs I crept downstairs and made dinner for tomorrow night (meals you assemble the night before are my favorite). In the quiet of my downstairs I simply began to let my mind wander and I must admit that I became quite emotional. Perhaps the Wilson Philips Station I was listening to on Pandora (don't judge me!) was to blame, but more than anything, I kept coming back to dear sweet Elijah.

Our 2nd ultrasound photo of Elijah - here he is around 7 weeks! 

So many of my friends have had miscarriages lately and my heart is heavy for them knowing the road they are walking. In a couple of weeks it will be the 4 year anniversary of when we lost our oldest. I can't believe it has been four years... the pain has certainly lessened with time, but my love for him has only increased and the void of his little life often fills my thoughts. Then, my thoughts took a dangerous turn as I thought about the other babies we lost. I thought about our failed adoption - if we had not lost Elijah we would not have pursued that particular adoption and thus would never would have experienced that horrific loss. I also wonder if we would have lost Jonah's twin, Jonas, too. There was one cycle between Havana and Jonah that I thought perhaps was a miscarriage - still to this day I'm not 100% sure even though I think it was - and I wonder if I would have given it a second thought if we had never lost Elijah because I wouldn't have been so hyper-sensitive about the loss of a baby. In the stillness of my kitchen I began to grieve all those losses again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm in love with my life. I've been blessed with three AMAZING children who capture my heart and take my breath away every day. The pain Jason and I experienced together brought us so much closer and deeper and I often appreciate that. I am incredibly happy and thankful for the place the Lord has brought me... but sometimes the pain comes back so unexpectedly. I look at Jonah and daily wonder what it would be like with two little boys. I'm convinced they would be quite a pair. I wonder what personality type Elijah would have had. I wonder what my daughter who is being raised by her birthmother is doing this very moment. Is she safe? Does she know how special and loved she is? Does she know there is someone who prays for her every night?

As I think these thoughts... my heart is full of love and a hint of sadness for my babies who never came home. And in that moment in the kitchen where it was just me and my emotions... I felt the arms of Jesus Christ wrap around me so strongly and so securely. And in that embrace I simply rested and took comfort knowing that one of the reasons Jesus came to the earth was to be able to say, "I've walked where you are. I know the pain. I understand..."

I am blessed to be married to an incredible man. He makes me feel safe, loved, beautiful, etc. He gives me the freedom to be me (ugly parts and all!). Hearing his voice when he calls to say he is on his way home from work fills me with such warmth and peace. His arms provide a safe haven for me to find healing, forgiveness, and comfort. Yet, as amazing as all that is, it pales in comparison to the perfect healing, strength, beauty, forgiveness, comfort, love, and acceptance I find in Jesus' arms. He came to rescue me from all my sin, from all the scars I have from living in a fallen world, from all the heart ache. His love is not conditional, it has no limitations, it has no selfish motives... it is simply... love. In those moments I weep - He weeps with me. In those painful moments he whispers, "my grace is sufficient for you."

My challenge is sitting still enough in His arms to recieve all that He wants to lavish on me. More often than not I simply don't give Him that time. I remember after we lost Elijah I went through very deep depression. The type where I couldn't get out of bed. Jason was in residency during the time and so I had ample time to be with Jesus. He held onto me so tightly and didn't call me out of my grieving too early. Tonight in the kitchen I experienced that comfort again. It brought a smile to my face as I thought about the promise that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. I love resting in His arms and living in the promise that the next time my life seems to be shattering around me I can cling to the promise that He will be there. He will rescue. He will heal. He is faithful. And in that comforting promise I will drift off to sleep tonight.
  
"Oh Praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead."