Whew, what a day...

Okay, for those of you who might be new to blog... let's recap:

Jason and I try for 2.5 years before becoming pregnant for the first time (with help from a few drugs). We lost that baby, Elijah, at 11 weeks. That was in September of 07. A few months later, we find out that we've been matched with a birth mother and we make plans to adopt her little girl. The same week we find out we are pregnant again. After lots of prayer and conversations with adoption professionals... we are granted permission to still adopt Jasmine even though we are about 15 weeks pregnant. However, the birth mother changed her mind two days after she gave birth... we had named the baby, prepared this little girl's room... and in every way (except physically) had a still born child that we had to grieve. Fast forward a few months and I give birth to our healthy daughter, Havana. Fast forward 9 more months and we find out we're pregnant and expecting twins. A few weeks later, one of the twins stops growing... we end up carrying the other twin to full term. (There might have been one other miscarriage between Havana and Jonah... based on symptoms, but I never took a positive pregnancy test, so no one knows for sure). Not the most beautiful "adding to our family" story...

Yes, I have two healthy and beautiful children, but loss has been a part of each of our pregnancies. Infertility has been a struggle. Recently the Lord has really been working on me, bringing me to a peace with our losses, and helping me learn contentment. While I miss each one of our babies daily...   over the past few months, I have experienced healing like I've never known it before. I didn't seem to wrestle with God as much as I once had and I found myself content with my two children for the first time in years and I was peaceful.

The Lord has been working on me in a lot of ways since moving back to Louisville... Jason too. We've grown in our walks with Him and with each other. Life has been sweet. I was telling the Lord about a month ago that I would be happy adopting or having a biological third child... whatever He saw fit... then I felt Him ask me, "What if there is no third child?" Yikes, that wasn't an option! Ha. So, I worked it out with the Lord and was willing to accept that there might not be a third child in our home. As I stated earlier, the Lord has been really moving in my spirit to make my will more like His and so I came (without too much arguing!) to a place where I said, "Okay, Lord, Your Will, not mine." 

Not long after... we find out we are pregnant! 

Yes, the positive line was VERY faint... but it was there. I was excited, scared, and shocked. Shocked because this was the first time we have ever gotten pregnant without lots and lots of trying. We were not preventing, but we weren't trying either. Scared because i have yet to experience a pregnancy without a loss somehow involved and I did not want to walk to that valley of grief again. Excited because the moment you see that faint line... your heart grows, you have dreams for the baby, and you picture your life with another addition... it is exciting.

We had not yet found a doctor in our new town and so Jason calls me in some meds that I've taken with each pregnancy in order to help sustain it and I start taking those in addition to my prenatal vitamins. We sit on the news for a little while because Jason really enjoys the moments when only "we" know. A week later, I buy another pregnancy test to make sure the line is getting darker... it is.

Now, I'm growing even more excited and the Lord is teaching me how to handle my worry. I told Jason that I came to a point where I realize that I have very little faith that God can help sustain my pregnancies. That is not something I want to believe... that is a lie from Satan... so I had to battle it out and change my heart  and behaviors so that I reflected a person who had faith.

Jason and I begin to look for a doctor. We were very blessed in Indianapolis to have an amazing doctor and I was nervous about finding her replacement. However, we ended up finding someone that graduated with Jason in his medical school class. I remembered her and was very excited to go to someone who I knew.  She was also willing to see me right away instead of making me wait until I was 12 weeks along.

Today, I had my first appointment with her. I had to leave a urine sample and before I even was able to see the doctor the nurse asked me if I had gotten a positive pregnancy test at home. I said, "Yes" -- she said that my test was coming up negative there and perhaps I had gotten a false positive. I then said that I had taken more than one test, all had come up positive. She consults the doctor and they send me to the hospital to get some blood work done. They asked me to come back about an hour after my blood draw and they would assess the situation.

To say I was scared would be an understatement. I called Jason on my way to the hospital and through tears told him the situation. His response was a sad, "This is scary." I prayed and prayed and prayed. I asked for prayers from everyone... sending mass texts, posting on facebook, and e-mailing friends. Most of these people didn't even know I was pregnant... this was not how I expected sharing my news, but I needed prayers. I prayed for this baby to survive.

After I had my blood drawn, I found myself growing angry at Jason. I've never really been angry at him like this before. I was growing hard and in my mind I started accusing him of not caring as much for this baby...  I'm not sure where these thoughts came from. I decided to run an errand before heading back to the doctor's office and the entire car ride I cried. I came to the conclusion that the "good" place the Lord had brought me to was only to prepare me for this moment. He was preparing me for this loss. I would NOT let Satan take that away from me. Then I thought about Jason and how I would NOT let Satan use this as a wedge in our marriage. We have an incredible marriage  despite all of our heart aches and that I not something I'm going to let go of. So I found myself screaming in the car, "Satan will NOT have my family..."

That might sound crazy... but it was all I knew what to do. I had surrendered to the idea that the baby was not going to make it. I was wrestling with all the emotions that follow that news, but I refused to ask God, "Why?" I refused to be mad at God... I refused to allow Satan to place ideas in my head to be mad at Jason... it was a crazy roller coaster ride.

That is when my phone rang... it was the doctor's office... explaining to me that they were very sorry, but the lab must have gotten urine samples mixed up. They tested MY urine and it came up positive!

What?! Doesn't matter, PRAISE THE LORD!!!!! I return to the office and go through the typical new patient/first trimester appointment. I was understanding of the mistake, but still trying to wrap my mind over all that had happened... being told  my pregnancy test was coming up negative... thinking I was facing my 5th baby loss... wrestling with how this fit into God's will for my life. Fighting Satan for my family... all to find out it was an error in the lab.

Relief, Joy, Thankfulness... yes, those certainly describe my emotions. More than anything, I'm thankful the Lord was with me in those moments. Helping me to fight Satan when I didn't know what was going on with my baby. Being there with me on this journey. For bringing me to a place where I could surrender to His will... not matter what it was. I was already saying to myself, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away... but  I will choose to say, 'Lord, blessed be YOUR name.'"

So, false alarm.. yes. Do I wish I had more faith so that I would not immediately assume the worst? Yes... however, I'm thankful for those who stopped what they were doing to pray for me and my baby. We felt it... and those prayers were answered. I have no doubt that God was using those prayers to help this incredible baby to stay strong during this uncertain first trimester. I also have no doubt that the peace that people prayed for me helped me from sinning in the moment of what I thought was loss. How easy it could have been to throw my hands up at God and walk away from Him. To ask why His way had to involve such loss. Sitting where I am now... that is a silly thought because there is no loss, but at the time, when I was sure there was a loss... I am thankful for those who prayed for me. Your prayers were answered. God, as always, is faithful.

If tonight I was truly grieving the death of another baby... He would be just as faithful as He was on the days that I gave birth to Havana and Jonah. In that moment where I felt my baby would be gone... He was there. He is good. I am confident I would have written that phrase tonight no matter what the outcome might have been. He is good. His ways are good. His ways will very rarely look like how we want our ways to look, but  they are so much better. So much sweeter. Our God makes no mistakes.

I'm not sure how to end this post. I'm emotionally exhausted from the roller coaster that today way. I'm incredibly thankful to God for the little life still inside of me. I'm humbled by those who have been praying for me. But more than anything, I'm burdened for those who are not walking in the ways of the Lord. I've been there... I've done that. There is no way I could have survived the scare that today held if I had not been walking with the Lord like I have been the past few months. Have I been perfect? NO! But, Jason and I have been transformed recently... we've come to a point where we are not "okay" with just being Christians... we want to strive to be more like Christ each and every day. To do that, we have to be brutally honest with each other and with those in our lives who will call us out, speak Truth into our lives, and not let us settle for less than Christ's best for us. That isn't easy and it certainly isn't fun, but we've learned that it is easy to surround yourself with people who think you are wonderful. It is easy to have friends who simply want for your life what YOU want for your life... but those aren't Biblical friends.

We've been convicted that we need to surround ourselves with those people who love us enough to point out our sins, who spur us on to be more Christ like, those who don't want what we want for our lives, but they want what God wants for our lives. Those friends are irreplaceable. And it is those friends who have brought me to a place in my walk with Jesus where I could duke it out with Satan in the car... telling him He will not have my family... not matter what the outcome of this pregnancy is... He will not win.

So, tonight, my heart is thankful for our baby, but burdened for those in our lives who are complacent with their sin. Those who don't want the Truth spoken into their lives. Because days like today hit us all... days where our world comes crashing down... and there are two ways to handle it: 1)God's way or 2)Your Own Way. And I know from personal experience, the 2nd way only leads to more heart ache. So, I want to encourage everyone, keep fighting the good fight of faith... knowing that it will be hard. That people will say things to you that you don't want to hear. That it will require you to change things in your life you would rather keep the way they are. You will look like a fool to the world... but to God, you will be the apple of His eye. And when the rains come in... when the sands slips away... you will KNOW that no matter what... Satan will NOT win because You and All those you surround yourself with will Not allow him. What Satan intended for evil... God will accomplish for good... the saving of many lives! 


Thanking God for my baby, my two healthy children, my incredible Christ-like husband, my friends who help me walk in the ways of Christ, and His forgiveness for the times I fail. So thankful tonight... and prayerful... for the baby, for my family, and for you...

God Bless!

Dear Havana,

Dear Havana,

Tonight I put you to bed as a one year old... tomorrow you will wake up a two year old. I cannot properly express to you how proud I am to be  your mommy. Your daddy and I wanted to be parents for so long... and you, my precious first born, are the answer to our many years of prayers. I love you. I cherish you. I couldn't ask for anything better. You are an incredible young girl... who loves her family... loves to laugh... and loves to pray.

Nothing makes me smile like your sweet prayers. Nothing is more important than being your mommy. Nothing is more important. Nothing brings me more joy. I love every minute with you, your daddy, and your brother. I wake up and am filled with thankfulness that my family is so incredible... and you, sweet lady, are a huge part of that. You are mommy's precious first born.

This year you have experienced and learned so much! You traveled to Disney World (11/09) where we had a girls trip with Cousin Allison. We met Pluto, rode rides, and danced in the streets. We also met some dear friends who lived in Cuba... a special place for our family. To have them meet you was an honor and a dream come true. They were part of the reason why we named you Havana.

You also went with Daddy and Mommy to West Palm Beach, FL (12/09)... what a fun family trip that was. You absolutely loved the beach! You would screech with happiness when the waves came upon you. We took a drive through Lion County Safari -- where you were able to drive and honked the horn at all the wrong times... getting our car into trouble. You were so flexible with our travel plans and nothing was sweeter than celebrating our 5 year anniversary with our precious one year old. Although you are not the center of our family, you are an important part of it.

Recently, you went on vacation (8/10) with your mommy, daddy, and baby brother. We went to St. Joseph, MI. It was another amazing adventure. You enjoyed the beach again... we couldn't keep you away from the water. We enjoyed splash parks, the Curious Kids Museum, a petting zoo, and many nights of snuggles looking over the river.

This year brought about a lot of physical changes for you. You were taking a few steps at your first birthday party, but it wasn't until you were 13 months that you were determined to walk. I remember the day exactly. You refused to crawl. When you would fall... you would get right back up. And you didn't just walk, you were walking on your tippy toes so it gave you a bounce in your step. You still walk/run on your tippy toes. You look like a beautiful little dancer.  Today, you love to spin and dance. In fact, we dance every morning in the kitchen and we spin every night before bed. You are a great dancer.

With walking, came exploring. You have done a great job learning to stay close to mommy and daddy out in public. You are usually good about holding our hands in parking lots. You absolutely love play grounds - swinging has always been on of your favorite things... you enjoy singing, "5 Little Monkeys" while we push you on the swing. If possible, you try out each swing on the play ground. Daddy will often push you very high... you giggle... it is fun to watch. You can climb to the top of tall slides with no fear. You love adventure. It is fun to watch you play and squeal with delight.

This year has also brought quite a bit of location changes to your life... your first birthday was held at our house that we owned in Indianapolis. We loved that home and the four years we spent there. You came home to that house to a nursery we had worked so hard to prepare. However, around the time of your first birthday, we sold it. A week after your 1st birthday we moved 45 minutes south to Greenwood, Indiana. We moved into a rental house and changed out your nursery furniture. We gave you a new "big girl" room that was done in pink and giraffe. Six months after moved into that rental house... we moved 2 hours south to New Albany, Indiana. So in six short months, you moved twice. What a trooper you were. You were understanding and accepting of whatever we introduced you to. I was very proud with how well you handled all the changes. I'm sorry we moved you so much... you left a few good friends behind in Indianapolis... sometimes I still feel bad about it, but your daddy and I moved you down here for our family's own good. We needed to be back down here... and I'm excited to watch you grow up here, develop new friendships, and learn to love Jesus here.

Homes were not the only change this year has brought... you became a big sister! It was at your first birthday party that we announced that you were going to be a big sister. I knew from the start you were going to be a great big sister, but wow, Havana... you have surprised me. You have so much love for your little brother. You have not yet had to deal with jealousy... instead, you invite "Baby" to play with you. You want him to color with you, to have whatever toy you are playing with, and to be included in all your plans. You always ask about him if you can't see him. You check on him when he is napping, you help me feed him bottles. You are filled with such love for Jonah. Which is good, you all are going to be best friends. You are made to be companions chosen by God. Yes, you will fight. But, at the end of everyday... you two will be closer than the day before. Your bond will be one that I can't wait to see develop. Jonah looks up to you... and I know you will do a good job teaching him right from wrong. You are the best big sister. God truly designed you and hand picked you to be the oldest in our family... and I can see you thriving in that role. You are amazing. Thank you!

When Mommy and Daddy had to go to the hospital to have Jonah... you were very brave. You stayed with your good friends, Chelsea and Chloe. They love playing with you and talked about what a good girl you were. And you are... you are a very, very good girl. You work hard to obey mommy and daddy on the first time we ask you to do something. You've had your struggles (like wanting to bite or not wanting to eat your dinner)... but each battle... you have learned the importance of obeying your mommy and daddy... knowing that when you obey us, you obey Christ. We are all called to be obedient unto Him and you are learning that at such a young age. It is beautiful. Your faith in Jesus is fun to watch. You love closing your eyes and praying to Him. Not just before meals or bed time, but all the time. Even in the middle of a store you will want to pray. Please keep that up! You are an example to me.

You have learned so much this year too. To date you know: all your shapes (even ones I don't know the proper names for), you can do puzzles blind folded, you know all your colors, all the animals (farm, pets, and zoo), and you know about 2/3 of all the letters in the alphabet. You can count to five.

You speak in sign language... you know how to sign all the animals we've ever seen or read about (dog, cat, bird, elephant, gorialla, giraffe, hippo, pig, etc.), you know how to sign places (zoo, church, etc.)-- you can ask for specific things to eat or drink (cheese, grapes, milk, water, etc), you have a specific sign for each member of our family (mama, dada, baby jonah, granddaddy) and your feelings (sick, scared, excited, happy)...  You know how to sign all your colors (pink, red, purple, grey, etc.), most objects and toys (books, boat, pumpkin, ball, etc.). You know sign language for certain phrases such as "I want" "I don't know" "Yes, Mom, I understand" -- you even know the sign for "potty" and you have been using it faithfully the past two days ( perhaps you are ready for potty training soon). You know songs (Twinkle Twinkle, I'm a Little Fishy...). Your sign language is an inspiration. You are determined to communicate and I love that.  I would love to list out each sign, but you know so many. You are so wise and in fact, you know two languages.

Your speech is incredible too! I'm proud of how hard you have worked with Ms. Elizbaeth, your speech therapist. You can say: two, mama, dada (gaga), baby johna, tucker, Bob, Larry, yeah, hello, eat, drink, water, pancake, muffin, cheese, cookie, apple, snack, notebook, ball, uh-oh, cat, pig, chicken, Kangaroo, seal (arch), Elephant, lion (roar), dog (woof woof), bird (tweet tweet), horse (neigh), goat (ma), sheep (ba), cow (moo), frog (ribbit), turtle, David, Bible, purple, green, red, pink, blue, grey, black, brown, yellow, circle, star, square, up, down, go, and music. Those are just off the top of my head... I know you try to say more, but keep in mind, sweet child, that you can sign everything written above and you can sign so many more words that are too numerous to write out... you are so very smart.

God has incredible plans for you, Little One! He loves you passionatly. He created you for a purpose and your signs and your speech are all part of His incredible purpose for your life. He has given you so many gifts. You are funny... You love to spin, dance, and be the center of attention. You enjoy counting to five on people's fingers, You love playing hide-n-seek, beign outside chasing Tucker around, swinging, climbing, and drawing with side walk chalk. You love to read... to yourself and having us read to you. You enjoy puzzles... I've never seen a little girl put together puzzles so well. You are better than I am. You have a great imagination and pretend to talk on the phone. You are very materinal... you take care of Jonah, help mommy with the chores, and have a baby doll that you love to play with. You are so brave and are great at gaining self control when asked. You have a heart of gold. You are very artistic... you spend hours each day coloring. You love going over your colors as you do and you love to draw circles, stars, and elephants. To be honest, you stars are pretty impressive.

You enjoy a few shows... Dora, The Backyardigns, and Baby Faith are your favorites. You also have enjoyed Blue's Clues in the past. You aren't allowed to watch too much TV, but a few shows here and there are fun for you. You love Bob and Larry from Veggie Tales (although you still mix up those two). You don't watch too many of their shows, but you love their music in their car. As soon as we get in the car you ask, "Bob, Larry (warry)"? You even were able to Veggie Tales live a few weeks ago... and it was a big hit with you. Although you kept ducking down behind the seats whenever you thought they were looking at you. So cute.

Our days are spent playing... we go to the zoo often (one of your favorite places),  we also go to the local parks, Henry's Ark, Noah's Ark, and the Science Museum. You love being out and about. We wake up, eat a slow breakfast, play, go out, come home for lunch and a nap, then we're back out doing something until dinner time. Your life is certainly far from boring... you are a treasured little girl. You do have a few chores - we make you put your toys away at the end of the night, after we read a book, you must put it on the shelf. If you throw something, you have to pick it up. I love watching you develop responsiblity.

You've been dealing with seperation anxiety since you were three months old, but I believe you are making breakthroughs. Just two weeks ago you went into the nursery at church for the first time without even crying. You are excited to play with people. I believe you are becoming secure in your mommy and daddy and the choices we are making in your life.

We aren't perfect parents, Havana. I am not a perfect mom. There will be times when I hurt you. When I don't show you Christ's love. When I make mistakes. I will own up to those and ask for your forgivness. I need a Savior as much as you do. I am human... I battle the flesh... which will help me come along side you as you face the same battles. I know you will make mistakes; that is part of being human. I promise never to punish you or yell at you. I will speak calmly, quietly, and discipline you (that is different from punishment). Teaching you to repent and return to Jesus is my number one goal in parenting. I am praying that you will develop a deep and vibrant love relationship with Our Lord. That you would be a friend to the friendless, that you will be Bold in your faith, that you will never compromise, that you won't have sex before you are married, you won't settle for a man who doesn't love the Lord with all his heart and live by His Word, and that you will risk even persecution to do the will of the Father. Perhaps as a missionary, perhaps as a doctor, perhaps as a stay at home mom. I'm not sure what your mission field is going to be, but I can't wait to see you fulfill God's plans for your life. I love you, Sweet Child. You are my baby girl and I promise to tell you daily how much I love you, how much more God loves you, and teach you His ways. I'll fail, I'll lose focus, but... my heart will never stop loving you or treasuring each and every moment, each hug, each kiss... each birthday.

I love you, Havana Corynne Dugger, Happy 2nd Birthday!!!!!

Love,
Mom-Mom

One of those moments...

I take a Bible Study at church on Wednesday mornings... I love it. Havana has done so incredibly well in their weekday childcare program due to a lot of prayer and a wonderful teacher named "Ms. Denise."  We LOVE Ms. Denise and Ms. Denise loves  Havana! She is the one who asked who in our home was deaf because of all the signs that H knew. She also pointed out to me how smart Havana is. I, of course, already knew how smart she was, but it was so nice to have someone else tell me that. She tells me all the things H knows and how she expresses it to her. I love that. I love that she takes time to understand H's ways of communicating. It is to the point now that H does not even cry when we drop her off.. she just runs to Ms. Denise. If you know my daughter, you know this is rare.

Anyway, this post is not about Ms. Denise (although she is worthy of her own blog post :). I have always asked H questions - even from when she was a tiny baby. "What did you do today in the nursery?" "Who did you play with?" "What did you learn?"

I have come to accept that these questions really go unanswered. I ask them more out of habit than anything. On the way home today, I was asking her questions and I asked, "What did you have for snack today, pretty?" I look back and Havana was doing the sign for "Cracker."

I took a sharp breath in. I know she had a cracker today as her snack in the nursery... that is the only snack they give the kids. I knew she knew the sign for cracker, but I didn't think she was listening to my questions and I certainly didn't know if she would remember enough to sign it back to me unprompted. I choked up. My daughter was communicating with me. While I generally know what she wants or is trying to say based on the fact I'm her mommy and know what she likes/is used to doing... Today was one of the very first times I have ever simply asked her a question about her day (a part of the day i was not in) and she answered me accurately with a sign. She really is listening to me and engaging in dialogue with me. I am so grateful for sign language to give us a form of communication.

Random Thoughts on a Monday...

I am very, very behind on this blog. I have been meaning to talk about Momentum week at our church, I want to post something on this plastic owl that is in our back yard, and I began writing a post on the 19th about how Jason and I started dating, but I have yet to finish it. I have so many thoughts on different posts, but no time to post them.

Jason started this new rule recently where we don't get on the computer or our phones while the children are awake. A great rule, I might add. It helps keeps us involved with the kiddos and not distracted. I am loving the sweet memories I am making, but I feel bad that my blog isn't what I want it to be. I'm not as faithful in updating as I would like. My blog is... ugh... oh well! :)

Havana will be two on Thursday. Although if you ask her today how old she is she'll answer, "two". We've been teaching her how to say two for a while now. I figure she is close enough. :) If you know me, you know birthdays are a big deal to me. We celebrate them in true Darby fashion... making them a "festival."

Today I gave Havana some new coloring books and bracelets as the beginning of her bday festival. She has been having lots of fun with both. I love seeing her eyes light us when she gets a new gift.  She is truly so much fun. Tomorrow we have a fun day of shopping planned for her to get ready for her big day.

Thursday is her actual birthday, so we are planning a family day doing all of her favorite activities. I'm order a Cookie Cake for her because Cookies are her favorite food right now. I think she'll be excited for her cookie. :)

Friday we are having a small birthday play date at the Zoo. A Veggie Tales themed day complete with Bob Cupcakes.

Saturday we are having our family party. I'm planning on decorating the house with Veggie Tales things - I'm making a life sized Bob and Larry to tape on the wall for her. We also are having a Bob and Larry Cake. I'm super excited. 

I have no idea what we are going to get her yet. I think a bike with training wheels is certainly in the running. I would like to get her a little crib for her baby doll (she only has a stroller) and perhaps the game CandyLand. Havana really loves "Bob and Larry" but she really has never seen the show. So... I think I'm going to pick out one of the DVDs for her - I'm leaning towards Madame Blueberry.

Havana has now become a little mommy towards Jonah. Her new thing is to give him a bottle. For some reason she thinks it is important to give him a bottle whenever I get on the phone. Honestly, that doesn't happen much during the day (you know, if you call me because it usually goes straight to voice mail). Anyway, today Jason called so I answered. Havana then reached up and grabbed an empty bottle from the counter (she is way too tall!) and ran into the living room and tried to give it to Jonah. She then dropped it and clapped saying "Yay, Baby!" :) I'm laughing now as I remember. She has a heart of gold.

My children are amazing. As all mothers feel about their children! :) I love Havana's heart and seeing her develop into this wonderful little girl who is very, very artistic. I'm not sure if it is normal for a less than 2 year old to be able to draw stars, circles, elephants, etc. She will sit down at her craft table and not move for hours. Just coloring away. She is surprisingly good.

Jonah is becoming so interactive and yesterday sat up by himself for the first time. He's becoming so strong. I love to watch him play with his toys and squeal with delight. He is also so even tempered. He is my little buddy and I am so thankful for him.

They are both great sleepers, going down around 8 - waking up around 9. If we're home Jonah will take a morning nap, and then they both go down in the afternoon for 2-3 hours (sometimes Jonah will sleep for 4). It is truly wonderful. I love schedules. :)

Moving on in my thought process...
I cut my hair last week.... I'm talking chopped it! I was nervous as I've always had long hair and Jason has always loved my hair. However, with two small kids, it needed to go. I have to say, I love it. I feel that it is cute and trendy. I wake up and it looks good. I've never had that. So, for now, I'm going to stick with the shorter look. My hair has always been blonde. I'm a natural blonde. But... it has become darker lately. Sure, the fact that I dyed it might play a role in that, but still, it looks a lot darker these days. So, I'm considering highlighting it soon... we'll see. I've never had to deal with this before - I've always been one who would only get a hair cut once a year, but now, I might have to do more to maintain it, but it is a lot easier to manage. Cutting my hair, getting fake nails, and buying some new clothes has certainly helped my "girly" feelings lately.

I'm reading a new book. Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman! Wow. I'm almost halfway finished and I can already say that I recommend this book to EVERYONE. She is so honest and frankly, I feel as if I'm reading my own life. She talks about her faith during her teenage years and I can certainly relate to her experiences of wondering if she was truly saved. She talks about how she was chubby growing up and her nickname in her family way "Chubby Chapman" - she journals in her book about the depth of pain that has had on her. Oh, how I could relate to that.  She speaks of depression and how Christians don't understand it. She screams of her miscarriage, their marriage troubles, everything. I have not yet reached the point in the book yet where she loses her daughter... wow. I know that part is something I can relate to as well. She and I lost our adopted daughters on the same day. Granted, her daughter died and mine was ripped from me by the birthmother changing her mind, but still it helped me in that moment know that another strong, Christian family was grieving like we were. Jason and I would lay in bed and sob... it was comforting to know we were not the only ones. We prayed for them in the midst of our grief and I have felt a deeper kinship with the Chapman family ever since. Yet, this book is shedding light on things I never knew about Mary Beth. I'm growing, I'm relating, I'm changing. All the while thanking God for using broken people to accomplish good. Like Mary Beth. Like myself.

Speaking of books, mine is still in progress. My manuscript has been edited twice now, and I'm doing one last line by line review with Jason. Jason has never read it before so he is reading it with fresh eyes. He can spot things that might slip from my sight because I've stared at these words for literally a year. Writing a book is truly a labor of love, but I am enjoying sharing these moments with Jason. He and I will sit and read my book out loud. It has been good for our marriage, our communication, and for the book. I am excited to see what God is going to do. Certainly, I don't have expectations of becoming a best seller... but I do pray this is a spring board to help women around the world grasp the importance of prayer and praying for our husbands! If you haven't yet looked us up on facebook, please do, For the Love of our Husbands.

Well, nap time is drawing to a close. This seems like a pretty poinless post, but they are my random thoughts. :)

Booed!!

Last night I came home to find a bag of Halloween goodies on my front porch! Yes, I was booed. In case you are unfamiliar, it is a neighborhood game where you put together a bag of goodies and leave it anonymously on the door step of someone in the subdivision. Included in the bag are treats for the children and instructions on how to continue on the game. Once you have been "booed," you mark your front door so that there are no repeats.

I will admit that I was very excited to find this treasure on my doorstep. I used to babysit for families that always got into this game and I couldn't wait until I could play it. The other neighborhoods we lived in before this one were really small and mostly older couples - very few people had children and no one played the game. So, this was my first time to be "booed" and I couldn't have been more excited (yes, I am a nerd! :).I'm not sure who booed us (part of the fun is remaining anonymous!) but I think it has to be one of the five families that know us personally because our goody bag included baby food for Jonah! So sweet that he was included.

This morning we went out and bought a goody bag and lots of Halloween fun to put inside. I was very impressed with my husband for selecting great items to add to the bag (he doesn't normally get into this sort of thing). We went on a walk this afternoon and finally decided on a house to "boo." We chose a family we did not know, but we know they had children! They also have Halloween decorations out so I know that they celebrate it and will hopefully play along. On our walk back home we prayed as a family that the little "boo" bag would brighten this family's day as it did ours.

Here is a photo of the kids and the "boo bag" that they worked really hard in helping us prepare. :) Excuse H's face - she was eating... :)

Contraception

Tonight I had the honor of hearing the Duggar family (from TLC's 19 Kids and Counting Show) speak and then the even greater honor of meeting them. I will blog about that opportunity soon (it was very neat!) however, I didn't want to let tonight pass without bodly stating my beliefs on Contraception. These beliefs were not founded tonight in light of the Duggar's speech, but have been heavy convictions of Jason's and mine for a long time.

In the risk of angering people, I'm sorry, but Jason and I are anti-contraception. We don't believe in the pill, the patch, the ring, or the IU device. In fact, we are MORALLY opposed to those methods. Why?! Plain and simple, they cause abortions. If you believe that life begins at conception and you believe that abortion is wrong... then it would only make sense for you to believe that all forms of medical birth control are wrong. A lot of people get "sensative" about this and I hesitate writing this... but it is the truth. One of the ways it "prevents" pregnancy is by not allowing a fertilized egg to implant into the uterous. That is an abortion. Life beings at conception... not when implantation occurs, not when the heart starts beating, and not when the baby is born.

I told Michelle Duggar tonight, "I am praying for an anti-contracpetion revival in the Protestant Church" -- that is very much a Catholic belief, but is not taught much in the Protestant Church. We believe abortions are wrong, but not birth control. That shouldn't be. As Jim Bob pointed out tonight in his speech, "We will never be a country that outlaws abortion until we become a country that values each life." In talking with him later in the evening, Jim Bob shared a web site with me: www.28daysonthepill.com  that I told him I would have to post. Check it out!

Michelle and Jim Bob both say that the Lord did a "heart work" on them after they suffered a miscarriage due to being on the pill. At that point the Lord changed their hearts to have His Heart for children. To see them not as a burden or a choice, but a blessing. They now have 19 blessings. The Lord did that same heart work in Jason and myself. We both have wanted a larger family... around 5 children at least, but as people who read this blog know... it took us a while three years before we were able to bring home our first blessing. In that time we suffered one miscarriage at 11 weeks, Elijah. Losing Elijah was very heartbreaking. We wanted that baby, we had worked for years for that baby... His life was meaningful, impactful, important. We didn't lose cells...we lost a baby with a soul!

After that, our lives were forever changed. We didn't take "life" for granted. We didn't want to stop at 5 children... we wanted however many children the Lord wants to give us... through pregnancy or adoption. We currently only have two, but we don't and never will prevent pregnancy. You might scoff and say, "talk to us when you have 5 and you'll be singing a different tune." But my response is, unless the Lord calls us to stop.... we won't stop.

What about other forms of "birth control" that aren't medical? Ones that don't cause abortions? Are those wrong? Well, morally, no I'm not as opposed to those... however, Jason and I don't believe in them. As I said, we are open to life. I don't want to put our plan above God's plan... I don't want to limit God...  Personally, I also could never look and Havana and Jonah and say, "no more" or "not right now" even on the bad days. To say: I love you, but I don't want more of you. Ouch. That's harsh to me. Now, I understand that there are times when finances and focusing on a marriage (such as that first year) hinder in a couple's decisions for when and when not try for children. I'm not judging those times at all, but I think there is a difference in "not trying" and "preventing." Jason and I can be not trying to children, but we won't be preventing. There are also natural ways such as NFP or the Creighton Model that help you know when your fertile days are so you know what days to avoid "activies." :) That's not wrong, that's being responsible.

I know, I know... this is a sensative topic. One that I don't mind sharing with friends, but hesitate mentioning on my blog or to people I don't know. Yet, I don't want to be like that anymore. The Lord has done a work on my heart and I don't only want my life to show it, but I want my words to support it as well. People think they have a right to choose when to add to their family. They can plan to have three children spaced out by two years each. But, what blessings are they missing out on when they do that? Love multiplies, it does not divide. People (Christians) can see abortion as one thing and birth control as another... so I dare to ask... are they really two different things?

Organs

As many of you know, being involved in Worship and Creative Arts ministries is very close to my heart. From crafting services to leading drama teams... I am invested in the Creative Arts side of Worship! Recently, I was part of a meeting regarding this very matter at church. So, perhaps that is why it was on the brain. Anyway, last night while we were out, I saw a license plate holder that said, "Souls go to heaven... Organs don't."

I laughed and pointed it out to Jason. He didn't seem as amused by it. I said, "that's pretty clever." He said, "Oh, okay." It was unique... I had never seen a license plate holder, or even a bumper sticker, that talked about progressive worship. We don't need organs in our churches anymore. I know lots of people feel that they add a lot, but as this car was clearly saying, "souls go to heaven... organs don't."

There was a graphic on the holder that I couldn't quite figure out. It looked like a stomach, but why would that be on there? Why not a cross or even a dove. Then, after about 2 minutes  (we were behind the car for a while) I busted out laughing and said, "Oh, organs as in human organs." Jason, perplexed, said, "yes, what other kind of organ would it be?" I enlightened him on how I thought it was talking about church organs. He then joined in my laughter. Apparently, I have Worship and Creative Arts on the brain a little too much! :)