Be Careful What You Say...

We have heard from several other people who have dealt with infertility and/or a miscarriage that some people say ignorant things. We have TOTALLY found that to be true. Usually, they come from people with the biggest hearts who don't mean anything negative by the comments. So it is easy for Jason and I to brush them off, but at the same time I wish I used those opportunities to educate those people that what they said hurt. The didn't mean it in a harmful way... we know that... but how do we tell them that what they said isn't really appropriate? Here are some examples of things NOT to say to anyone going through infertility, miscarriage, and/or adoption:

"Just relax -- you'll get pregnant then." (I know tons of stressed out people who get pregnant and trust me there have been times when we've been relaxed - Nothing. It isn't that easy!)

"Once you adopt, then you'll get pregnant, that happens all the time" (actually it only happens in 2% of everyone who adopts. Plus, it can be interpreted as the adopted child is just a means of getting a biological child and that is not what we want. We want our adopted child because we want our adopted child. Not as a means to get pregnant.)

"Why do you want to adopt when you now know you can get pregnant?" (we get this a lot. And the truth is, it took us 2 years to get pregnant and that was with the help of drugs. That isn't something I want to go through again. BUT... THE MAIN REASON WE ARE ADOPTING IS BECAUSE IT IS NOT A LAST RESORT FOR US. We WANT to adopt. We feel called to adopt!)

"Don't you want a child of your own?" (yes, an adopted child will be our own child. Both our adopted children and our biological children, if we have them, will all be our own!)

"Darby's throwing up - she must be pregnant!" (we got this a few weeks ago when I had the stomach flu... please be careful what you say around us in regards to pregnancy.)

"(insert any complaint about being a parent here)" (we understand that being a parent is hard and at times frustrating... but you are still blessed to be parents. One of my friends from Louisville changed her tune after reading our blog and she realized that wishing for her life Before Children was hurtful to people like me. Thanks, Tara!)

"Maybe God is waiting to give you a child when you are through this depression so you'll be a better mother" - (um, okay, this is hurtful. If God is waiting for me to get my act together - we'll never be parents, no one would. We're doing the best we can and I feel that God is in no way keeping a child from our home. He's just preparing the right child for us.)

"You've only been on the waiting list a few months, that's not long at all" - (sometimes days feel like months around here. And we've been waiting for a child going on three years now... not for just a few months.)

"We're pregnant! We're in our 2nd trimester. We don't tell anyone until then because you know, stuff happens." (Yes, we are quite aware that the death of a child can occur in the first trimester. We've experienced that! It is not just stuff that happens, but a death, and yes, we're very aware. Please take that into consideration when you tell us your news!)


These are just a few of the comments that we've received that are ignorant. Most all of them came from good friends just trying to encourage us. So, we don't take them as insults, but I wanted to educate some of you on things to say and not to say - just for future reference. These are just a few, if you are interested in more let me know and I'll tell you personally. Also, if you are pregnant, I know we appreciate it when you tell us privately before we hear it through the grape vine. We do get excited for people who are pregnant and we love to pray for the health of your baby, but please be sensitive to other's situations.