8 months

Hi Friends!

I know, I'm horrible at updating the blog! I do hope to get better and my goal is a new blurb (or at least a photo) once a month, but that has been my goal all along and you can see how well that is working out! :)

Havana is now 8 months old -- wow! Where does the time go? It really does feel like just yesterday that she was born and now she's 8 months old... it makes me realize that the next 4 months will fly by and soon Havana will be one! One... I am doing my best to cherish every stage and I really feel like I've done a good job with that. I remember when she was a newborn and getting up in the middle of the night to feed her I kept cherishing those moments -- I used them as prayer time, but also I just knew they wouldn't last long. I'm trying to keep that mentality with everything - to cherish it, even if it is hard or challenging, because it will soon be over.

Havana is a mover... she rolling (not yet crawling, but close) all over the place and we are quickly learning how our house is not baby proofed as we once thought! Ha. A few weeks ago, in the matter of 30 minutes, she rolled over and pulled down my scrapbooks... then I was changing her diaper and found paper in her mouth (where she got it, I still don't know)... and then i put her back down and went to wash my hands... i came back and she had rolled across the room and was putting Tucker's peanut butter kong in her mouth! Whew! I laughed so hard! We are having so much fun - we go to the zoo at least once a week, the Children's museum often, and our new favorite summer activity -- SWIMMING. She is such a little fish and is so happy in the water. We have spent over three hours straight one time just swimming and splashing. When we are at home, she loves playing with Tucker and her toys... we make up dances and sing songs all day. I am having a BLAST being a mommy... actually that is an understatement... I have no words to describe my delight with my role as mommy! I knew I wanted to be a mom but I didn't know how much I would just relish in my role. I never knew how much fun doing the honkey pokey really is! I am so blessed and God is entrusting us with a very special girl. I do feel as if she is going to have such a heart for the Lord. Now that we are eating, we say prayers before each meal... and we have "family devotions" every night which include a Bible story and prayers, but more than that, I've made her "changing table time" talking time... where I talk to her about God. The other day we talked about how she is an ambassador for Christ to everyone she knows from her siblings, to her grandparents, to her classmates... the next day, we talked about how God made her body special and for a purpose. I am really challenged to make those conversations special and to actually plan out what we are going to talk about and what truths I want her to learn.

Jason is enjoying fatherhood! In fact, I've never seen a father like him before. He is so involved in Havana's life - he knows her likes and dislikes, her schedule, her cries, and even the words to her favorite songs. He is very invested in her life and I am so proud of the father he is. He challenges me to be a better mommy each and every day and he's never slow to help me out. I love that i can leave him with her and not have to tell him what and when she needs to eat or sleep -- he knows. I have such a peace when I leave. It is very evident that Havana loves her daddy as she lights up every time he walks into the room. Those two are very close and I pray daily it will always stay that way.

In other news, we do want a second baby soon! We've been wanting one since Havana was about 5 minutes old! :) We have been very open to getting pregnant... well, forever. We will never be a couple that prevents pregnancy. For me, and a little for Jason too, the feelings connected with infertility quickly have come back. We've been trying for over 6 months with no luck and while I do appreciate the gift of Havana and I'm not taking away from the joy we have in her... I do get sad and frustrated that we've not been able to get pregnant yet. We will adopt a few children into our family no matter what and so we are looking into re-opening our adoption file (we can't, by law, until Havana is one years old) so we are just going to keep trying and seeing if we get pregnant before that or if we will choose to adopt next. Either way, I am already praying for our next baby.

I am starting to realize that our infertility journey is never really going to be over. We are always going to feel as if part of our family is missing, because it is... we have a baby in heaven waiting for us and a daughter out in the foster care system somewhere that we love and pray for daily. We are also never going to forget the pain we went through before Havana arrived and the frustration that continues as we desire to have a big family (5, 6, 7 kids... whatever the Lord allows) and while we know all our children won't be biological (and we WANT it that way... we still really WANT to adopt) we would like to think it would be "easy" to get pregnant and we know it is not. It seems so unnatural to me that getting pregnant is this hard and Satan often whispers that I'm not doing my duty as a woman... but I am also learning (and relearning) that I'm okay with our journey.

Do I like it? NO! Do I accept it? YES... what choice do I have... but on top of that... this is the road the Lord has led us on. Did He cause it? NO, but He has a plan! He knows our desires to have a big family and He wants to bless us, but He wants us to trust Him. I liken it to a caravan! If I'm following someone in my car and they know where they are going and I don't... I watch that car and try to stay right behind it. If I loose sight of it or something obstructs my view of that car - I do what I can to quickly find it and get behind it again so that I can reach the proper destination. Jesus is driving that car - He knows where He wants to take it. I'm trying to follow closely and while yes, I do loose sight of it, I'm getting better about looking for the car and being OKAY with following instead of trying to drive the lead car. I don't know what the rest of my life looks like, but He does. I often forget that He knows... He knows each of my children and what their names are (even though I don't even know that yet) and when they will be born. He knows what each day of my life looks like! Wow! When you hear that and let that sink in... how can you NOT fall to the ground and worship Him?! How can you not blindly follow and trust HIM?! Nothing else, no other religion, no man made plans... nothing... no nothing, can know our future, nothing can lead us on the path that we should go... nothing can compete for our worship! There is a verse in Proverbs (sorry don't know the exact reference) that says that in his head a man plans his way, but it is the Lord that directs his steps (or something like that) and I PRAY that my spirit can yield to what the Lord wants to do and the steps He wants me to take... despite the pain i might feel along the way. Everything will be worth it as it draws me closer to Him and just because I know I'm following the One True God - not matter what comes, that is my hope.

Well, I certainly didn't meant to type all that, but just wanted to share a bit of where we are! Thanks for all your prayers for our family. Please continue to pray for us and for Havana to be healthy and safe from all the evils of the world! :)

We love you all and we love Our Lord!

PS... Jason also is now out of residency and starts his job in Columbus, Indiana on July 4th! I'm so proud of him and all his hard work and success! He's truly my hero and is a wonderful ER doctor! :)

5 month update...

Hey Everyone,

As I write this, I wonder if anyone still checks this blog since I have not updated it in quite a long time!!!! Oh well, thank you faithful followers! :) Havana is 5 months old now and is so much fun! She is getting so big, so quickly that I often times wonder where the time has gone. This past week was full of a lot of "firsts" - - her first time to ride in a stroller without her car seat, the firs time to take a bath in a "big girl tub", her first trip to the zoo, her first rolling over, and her first solid food! Whew, that is a lot of changes!! :)

Havana is a little chatter box and talks all day long (gee, I wonder where she gets that). She's a very smart little girl and it is so much fun to watch her put things together. She loves to giggle and to get (and give) kisses. Now that spring weather is getting closer we've been taking family walks almost daily and also the trip to the zoo. She loves being outside and looking at things... at the zoo, the giraffes made her laugh!

Jason and I are enjoying parenthood very much! Jason is such an incredible daddy. He loves her so much... the other day I woke up at 6:45am and Jason wasn't in bed and I noticed the nursery door opened... so I sneak in and look and Jason is changing little H's diaper. I guess he had heard her and went to check on her before I woke up. Anyway, as he picked her back up I saw him give her kisses and whisper "Daddy loves you, Little girl" and then he wrapped her back up and rocked her to sleep -- allowing me to get another hour or two of sleep time! It warms my heart so much to watch them together. She loves being her daddy's girl, that is for sure.

She also is in love with Tucker!!! Her new favorite thing to do is pet him and pull his ears. I think she thinks he is a big stuffed animal. She always smiles and reaches for him whenever she sees him. I love seeing that too as Tucker is still very much a spoiled baby in our house! Whoever says that your feelings for your pets decreases when you have a baby must never have had a Tucker!!! :) I still lovingly refer to him as our "first born" and together he and Havana are "our Children" - :).

A few weekends ago we were able to dedicate Havana at church. This is just where Jason and I promise to raise her in a Christian home, teach her to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, promise to pray for her daily, and also promise not to ever get a divorce. It was awesome and such a special day for us. I love my little family very much.

I won't lie, I still think about our adopted daughter daily... wondering what she is doing and praying that she will come to know Jesus as well. I will always love her as much as I love Havana and Elijah. I miss Elijah too and often think about being able to be with him in heaven. I love being a mommy and am in a really good place right now, but as I've said several times - Havana doesn't make me forget the pain we have gone through to get her.

In all honesty, I'm scared that adding children to our family will be hard. We've been trying to get pregnant again since December with no luck. I know Havana is young, but in our defense, when we knew we were going to have Havana we also thought we would be adopting a baby and for a long time we pictured our family with children 6 months apart. We loved that picture -- and we would still love to have two children close together - as back to back as possible. We still plan on adopting at least 2-3 children into our family, but we wouldn't be able to even go on the waiting list until November of 2009 and then who knows how long it will take to get chosen... so in my selfish/impatient way, I guess I dreamed of getting pregnant right away and then adopting our third and forth kiddos... however, I have learned all too well that i am not in charge of my fertility and that I can make all the plans in my head that I want, but that doesn't mean they will come to be. We are praying daily for God to show us what the next step for adding to our family will be, and until He makes it clear -- I'm content being Havana's mommy! She makes parenting a breeze!

Well, I'll pick a photo or two to add from her dedication, zoo trip, and her first feeding! Thanks everyone for your love and support. We love you all!

Merry Christmas!

Dear Loved Ones,

Merry Christmas!!!! We sincerely hope and pray that your Christmas this year was not only a special time with family, but a time to truly remember Christ's birth and the reason He was born -- which was to die for our sins and offer us Salvation! Praise God!!!! How we love each of you so much. This Christmas has truly been such a special day for the three of us! Havana has such a wonderful first Christmas and for us, just looking at the little girl in our arms is the best gift we could have received this year. We have to been able to spend this entire week together. Monday was a relaxing day at home, Tuesday we traveled to Cincinnati for the day to visit family, Christmas Eve we went to our church as a family of three and had a wonderful time of focusing on Christ and the true meaning of Christmas! The service was amazing and we followed it up by going out to eat and then watching "The Nativity Story". This morning we woke up and Havana was able to open all her gifts not only from her mommy and daddy, but from others who love her so much! We are so thankful for your love for our daughter! We followed the gifts with a special "Birthday Breakfast" and then we all took naps. :) Tonight we are about to have a wonderful Christmas dinner while listening to Christmas music! It has been such a special day as we remember very clearly the pain we had last Christmas.

We have found December to be the month where we mark our progress on this earthly journey. We discuss the year - its joys and sorrows. We also look at our marriage and family and we each make a list of three things we could improve on in the next year as well as highlighting three highs. December is a great time to look back and marvel at the designs of God and realize how very little we are in control of the events that have shaped the past year. Then, with hearts full, we look to the celebration of that silent, holy night, and all its certainty. Because of Christmas, this we know: Christ was born for us. He is love, and the plans He has for us always surpass those of our own. That is not always easy to grasp or accept, but how true! We were out of control with our fertility (or lack there of), we were out of control with both of our pregnancies, and we were out of control on that awful day when our adoption fell apart. But we KNOW that God is good - no matter what happens in our lives, His love is unwavering. We praise Him for His goodness to us.

No matter what you might be going through, on this glorious Christmas night, we pray that your heart seeks to know Him just a little bit deeper. His love for you is great. We are so thankful for the gift of Havana, but we are even more thankful for the gift of the birth of Christ!!! No matter what has happened in the past or what might happen in our future we again proclaim that Christ was born for us, He is Love, and the plans He has for us always surpass those of our own!!!!

May you be blessed this Christmas. Thank You, Jesus, for coming to earth in the form of a baby to be our King of Kings! If you are struggling with anything this Christmas or anytime, please always feel free to call us to be a shoulder to cry on and someone with whom you can always count on for prayers. We would love to share the love of our Saviour with you today and always!!! Merry Christmas!

With Love,
Jason, Darby, and Havana Dugger

I can't believe Havana is already a month old!!!!

So, the title of this blog post pretty much sums everything up. In fact, I'm lying here in bed (trying not to fall asleep until I feed her one last time at 12:30am) and Jason is lying next to me and just said, "I can't believe Havana will be 5 weeks on Tuesday." -- he had no idea what I was typing at the time.

It is crazy how quickly the time has gone by. It feels like just yesterday she was born. She has already gotten so big in just her few short weeks of life. We had a doctors appointment on Wednesday and she now weighs 10 pounds 3 ounces! Wow! She is also 22 inches long. She is pretty much perfect. ;)

Life as parents is wonderful and the only thing that would make it better is a little more sleep at night. :) But I truly love waking up in the middle of night because it is such a special time that only lasts a little while. We feel so incredibly blessed to have such amazing friends. I still have not had to cook a meal because of all the meals that have been provided for us. Truly, that has been SUCH a HUGE help. I did fix Thanksgiving dinner, but that was by choice. :) All of our meals are also being provided for us for this upcoming week as well. I'm truly getting spoiled.

I've also been spoiled by how much time Jason has had at home. He had 2 weeks off when she was born and since then he's only been working part time. He doesn't got back to full time ER shifts until December 15. He's such an incredibly daddy. I always knew he would be, but it makes my heart smile so much to see him play with Havana. He has such a cute voice that he uses to talk to her and he loves reading and singing to her in Spanish. He also has WANTED to get up with me for the middle of the night feedings!! When she wakes us up, he will get up first and get her out of her crib and change her diaper. That usually gives me about 5-10 extra minutes of sleep and then I'll go in there and feed her. He does this everytime she wakes up! We are starting to give her a bottle (of pumped breastmilk) once a day so that he can be involved in her feedings. There have been a few nights that he has given her his once a day bottle in the middle of the night allowing me a longer stretch of sleep! Woo Hoo! He continues to be an amazing husband and is now also an amazing dad. I love watching their interactions daily. Havana certainly loves her daddy, I can tell! :)

Jason and I got each other "birthing" gifts. He got me a necklace that is an opal (Havana's birthstone) and I got him a book entitled "You Have What it Takes" by John Eldridge (he wrote "Wild at Heart" and along with his wife wrote "Captivating"). The book is for dads and it really describes what sons and daughters specifically need from their daddies. The dads have a significant role in their lives - one in which the mother cannot play. Jason has already read the book and I see him applying principals of what the book says girls need from their daddy to Havana. It is funny, we both always thought we would be the parents to all boys. But I have seen how having Havana really brings out qualities in Jason that make me realize that God created him to be a dad to at least one daughter - if not more. :)

I certainly feel so blessed that God chose me to be her mama. I love her little personality and look forward to getting to know her more and more everyday. She has such a good temperament. I think, at least right now, she has more of Jason's personality with a real even tempered nature about herself. However, I have seen moments where I think she is being a little "over-dramatic" -- wonder where she gets that from?! ha. She brings a smile to my face continually and makes me laugh several times a day.

Jason and I have worked very hard to form a balance in her life of love and nurture as well as structure. We really feel strongly that we want Havana to know how much she is loved, but also teach her (yes, even at this young age) that she is not the center of the universe or of this family (our marriage relationship comes before the children). She is such a beloved and welcomed member of this household, but she doesn't make it go round. This has been hard emotionally to implement because I do want to give her everything she wants and I hate hearing her cry. However, we truly believe that giving her everything she wants the minute she demands it will not be an attitude we want to foster. I'm so thankful that Jason and I stand united in parenting.

So what do our days look like? Well, Havana usually wakes up somewhere between 6 and 8am to be fed just depending on how her night has gone. I'll feed her at that time and then as long as we don't have to get up for something (such as church) she'll go right back down for another 3 hours. So anywhere between 9-11 she'll either awake or I'll wake her to feed and then we start our day. I make her have "awake time" after she eats and so during our "awake times" (which are usually about an hour in length) we dance, read, play with her play mats, or she just snuggles with me while I talk to her. After about an hour of playtime... it is nap time for an hour and half. She doesn't always like napping in her crib, but I make her take at least one nap a day in there. For the other naps throughout the day, she can be in her swing, pack-n-play, and for one nap she can be on me. If she doesn't wake up when it is time for her to eat I go and wake her and we feed and start the cycle all over again. Of course, not everyday is perfect... she'll refuse to nap or be super hungry on some days... but that is our goal for everyday. I enjoy that because it helps me know what my days are going to look like and it helps me plan her day. I feel that as the mom - I should direct her in how the day is going and not have it be her telling me.

I love my little girl so much! She is a blessing and a treasure. She truly adds so much to our lives everyday. Jason and I have "family prayer time" with her everynight before we put her in her crib at night and we have prayed daily for her. We were just talking today about how cool it will be to one day in heaven see what blessings come her way and what things she is spared because of our daily prayers. We've already seen God protect her from illnesses as Jason was VERY sick and while Havana did catch a little cold from him - it never progressed or became very bad and I know that is because God was protecting her from the fever and infection. We also pray that she falls in love with Jesus Christ and serves Him with her life. I quoted a Ginny Owens song in my prayer for her tonight praying that she wouldn't be a flame for Jesus, but a raging fire!!! I can't wait to see her fall in love with her Lord.

I could write for hours about my love for her, my love for my husband, my love for being a mommy, my love for Jesus, etc. But, I have to end this post sometime. :) Now that my days are becoming more routine I hope to update a little more often with how she is doing. Thank you for all your support, prayers, and encouragement. We love you and are grateful for your friendship.

Isn't she beautiful?!

Havana Corynne Dugger

Hey Everyone,


Hopefully, most everybody knows that Havana Corynne Dugger was born on Tuesday, October 28th at 3:59pm. She weighted 8 pounds 12 ounces and was 21 1/4 inches long! We are certainly praising the Lord for her wonderful birth!!!

We checked in Monday night and they started the gel in me around 9pm. I had to lie flat for an hour, but after that I was able to eat a meal and we watched a movie. Around 1am they gave me my second dose of the gel and then Jason and I both went to sleep. Around 5am they started me on pitocin and my doctor came in to check me around 8:30 or so. I was only 2 cm dilated and so she went on and broke my water as soon as she broke my water... I turned over and received my epidural. I then took a nap. When I woke up it was the afternoon and I was progressing quickly. Jason said he thought she would be born at 6:22pm and I said 4:11pm. Around 3pm they checked me again and I was at 10 cm and so they said it was time to start pushing. I really only had to push for 37 minutes and she came out!!! I've heard that is pretty fast. I really have nothing to complain about... I didn't feel any pain at all and I didn't even tear at all. Jason laughed and said that I was just built to be a mommy because I made pregnancy and labor look really easy. I can honestly say I enjoyed every minute of it. It all happened so fast... I'll never forget Jason's loving words and his voice as he spoke to me... encouraging me and telling me what a great job I was doing. I'll never forget the nurses telling me to push and that my baby was coming. I'll never forget looking into the mirror and seeing her come out and it was over so quickly. They immediately laid her on my stomach and chest and I was able to hold her while Jason cut the cord. I remember thinking that she was the most beautiful and perfect thing I had ever seen... I also remember thinking that she looked like Jason. Jason said my face looked like it does at Christmas when I see all my presents under the tree. :) Guess I was looking at the best present ever! We were both SHOCKED with how BIG she was!!! We were not expecting a baby that size and I remember before she was completely out Jason saying, "that is not a 6 pound baby."

They quickly got her cleaned up and then she was back in our arms. What a magical moment. Both Jason and I shed some tears, exchanged some kisses, and prayed over and over again... thanking the Lord for this beautiful and perfect gift! It was truly a miracle.

The rest of our time in the hospital was great, but went by so quickly. We had fun cuddling Havana and showing her off to everyone who came to see us! We felt so blessed by all the calls, e-mails, and visits!!! What a special time to delight in our gift.

We were able to come home Thursday night and it is very nice to be home (although we miss all the nurses who quickly fell in love Havana too!) While it has been an adjustment for all of us... we love our family. Just this (Saturday) morning we both just cried tears of happiness as we held little Havana. She is so perfect and beautiful and we have waited SOOOOO LONG to bring a baby home. Our little girl is home and has already added so much to our lives. I can't even put into words what our home has been like the past few days... filled with the Lord's presence and His love. What a blessing He gave us in her. I feel so lucky to be her mommy.

I just wanted to share the birthing story quickly and let everyone know how much we appreciate their prayers and support during this time. Havana's life will be more enriched because of your role in it. I wish I had more time to type all of my emotions, but Havana is stirring from her nap so I better wrap this up.

We gave her the name Havana because of how special Havana, Cuba is to Jason and I. We have been there together 5 times on mission trips and have fallen in love with our brothers and sisters in Christ down there. We have such a heart for that place. It was also in Havana, Cuba in July of 2002 when Jason first held my had. The two of us would meet early and sit on the beach watching the sunrise... holding hands... praying... laughing... I guess that is really when we switched from being friends to dating. So clearly, it is special for that reason too. :)

Baby Update...

Hey Everyone!

No baby yet... but we're close... so I wanted to let you know the details. Our doctor has offered to induce us on our due date (the 28th). We went back and forth with this decision trying to figure out if we should let her come naturally or go the way of induction. We waited to tell our family until we "officially" decided, but we have come to the conclusion that we will go forward with the induction. There are several reasons for this (our doctor would be guaranteed to deliver our baby, Jason would have plenty of time off of work, etc.) It really seems to be the best decision for our family and the more we prayed about the more peace we have about it.

We check into the hospital on Monday the 27th (tomorrow!) at 7pm. We will get settled in our room and have some time to relax there. We're even planning on bringing some board games as well as our lap top so we'll not only have wireless, but also the ability to watch movies. After midnight they will start the induction process. They will start by giving me some sort of gel every 4 hours through the night and in the morning they will access to see if I actually need the induction drug or if the gel was enough to send me into labor. How Tuesday will go is still kind of unknown to Jason and I. We are praying for an easy delivery for the baby, for our doctor to have discernment in her decisions with us, and for patient hearts for Jason and myself. We both would like to think that by Tuesday evening she will be born, but we know there is a chance she might not make her arrival until sometime on Wednesday. There is a good chance that it could be a LONG process...

Jason and I have tried to spend today "being still and knowing that He is God." After church this morning we came home and just really spent some time in focused prayer. It has really been a relaxing and refreshing day... especially since the past several days we've been very busy. That is why Jason suggested that spend today not getting caught up in the little details, but to just sit, focus, pray, and experience God. I'm so glad he is the spiritual head of our house.

Tonight we were able to have a date! We went to dinner at one of our favorite steak houses... which was very nice. The food is always wonderful and it was fun to have a special date. We were able to talk about our greatest fears and joys about parenthood, our thoughts on the job interviews Jason has been on lately, and just enjoying each other's company and laughing about old memories. It was sweet time for just the two of us... since we'll become a trio here in just a few hours. :)

Things are certainly surreal... it is hard to wrap my mind around everything that is happening and that has happened in the past. We have been waiting and praying for this for such a long time. We are almost on year three on trying to bring a baby into our home. This journey has been LONG and HARD. To think of all that we went through for the 2 years of infertility and then what has happened in just this past calendar year with loosing two children. My heart still breaks for the children I am not able to parent - although they will always be in my heart. Yeah, it has been rough to say the least. Bringing this baby home will certainly be an incredible joy, an answer to prayer, a testament of God's faithfulness, but in NO WAY a magic eraser to make us forget all the heartache we have gone through to get to this point.

One of my favorite books in the Bible is Isaiah. Isaiah 6 starts off by stating, "In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple." In the time in which this was written, when a king died it was a BIG DEAL. A national tragedy. But notice how it was in that time... that time of chaos and crisis... that Isaiah "saw the Lord." Perhaps he wouldn't have seen the Lord if King Uzziah had not died? When I think about that... I think about how through all of this I can say, "I have seen the Lord." I have seen Him through this time of chaos and personal crisis for us... although I don't like the lens I have had to view Him with. Yet, I can say, I have seen Him, experienced Him, and have fallen more deeply in love with Him than I ever would have without this pain. Jason and I have grown as individuals and as a couple closer to each other and the Living God through these past three years. We have learned more about each other and Him than we would have if we have had an easier journey.

You will never hear me say that I'm thankful that we had a miscarriage or a failed adoption. But you will hear me say that I'm thankful that God cares and loves us through our trials. That He uses the trials the world sends our ways to lead us closer to Him. There is a line from a Sara Groves song that I love that states, "There has never been a trial or a pain that He did not recycle to bring me gain." --I'm thankful to serve a God like that!

Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers over the next few days. We'll be updating soon. :)