The Story Behind His Name...

Hey Everyone!

To update on the labor/delivery - we checked into the hospital around 7am and were first seen by our doctor a little after 9am. She started us on some gel and that started at 9:25. With Havana, we did 2 rounds of the gel overnight before we started the induction the next morning. However, the gel worked all on its own this time and we never needed pitocin. I began having regular contractions, my water broke about 1:15, and I received my epidural at 1:40. I struggled with feeling sick to my stomach for about 30 minutes, but other than that, it was a pain free and struggle free process. I was fully dilated at 6:30pm, began pushing at 6:45pm, and he was born at 6:51pm! That's 5 short minutes of pushing! I felt quite blessed. He is perfect! We enjoyed our first night with him here at the hospital and we can't wait for him to meet his big sister later today!

You have heard by now that Ap's real name is Jonah Abraham Dugger! Please allow me to share with you the significance behind his name as it is rich with meaning for us! First of all, he has the initials JAD which are Jason's initials... I have my dad's initials and he has his dad's initials and while these aren't the "DLD" initials - we wanted to sort of carry on the tradition of a child having the dad's initials.

I knew immediately that I wanted to name him Jonah. During July and August I really wrestled with God on a daily basis over His goodness to others -- in lots of areas, but especially in the area of fertility. I couldn't grasp why it was so easy for some people to become pregnant and carry those babies to term and while for others it was a such a daily battle to conceive and carry to term. I felt as if some people were so deserving of being able to conceive and felt other's were not and yet they were usually the ones who were able to get pregnant very quickly. While I was ashamed at these thoughts, they were very real and I found myself becoming quite bitter about it. That is when the Lord had me camp out in the book of Jonah for a few months during my quiet times with Him. I could relate to Jonah's anger to the Lord's mercy. Yet, I kept coming back to the line where God asks Jonah, "Do you have any right to be angry." I knew the Lord kept asking me that same question, calling me to come out of that place of bitterness. Yet, my first response was an awful lot like Jonah, "Yes, I am so angry I could die." I certainly feel that I have that same over dramatic nature in myself and often was just as honest with God as dear old Jonah was.

In my heart of hearts, I didn't mean that (being so angry I could die), but my first response was I was so angry and felt I had every right to be. I remember telling God one morning as I finished reading the passage yet again, that if I was to get pregnant soon and it was a son, that I would name him Jonah to remind me of the lessons of God's grace and goodness. That it is OKAY for the Lord to show favor on people - even if I view the people as less than deserving. I should welcome that, embrace that, and trust that God loves those people more than I could ever know and I need to trust Him. He has a plan and a reason and I need to be okay with whatever. Not just in the area of fertility (although that is where I need to learn it the most), but in every area of life.

During all that time I also felt like I wanted to run away from the lessons He was teaching me from the book of Jonah. In fact, in an e-mail to a friend back in July 2009 I wrote, "It (in regards to miscarriage and infertility) makes me sad, and it makes me mad, but I do think God is wanting to teach me things through this... but I'm trying to ignore that... just call me Jonah... if I go missing, check the belly of a whale."

So, in December, when we found out for sure that Ap was a boy... there really was no other option for a first name. I had told God I would name my son that and even still - as I sometimes struggle with the bitterness that trickles back into me, I say to myself, "this is why I'm naming my son Jonah... so that I can remember to be okay with the Lord's mercy."

Abraham --- Jonah's middle name comes from our 16th president, Abraham Lincoln. Back when I had first met Jason, I'm not even sure if we were dating yet, and we started talking about names for our future children - he said he wanted to name his son Abraham after Abraham Lincoln. Jason had written a paper on him in high school and gained a lot of respect for not only the leader he was, but the Christian husband and father that he was. Abraham Lincoln is also significant to me as well because he is in my family tree through my dad's side of the family. I pray that our son will be a strong and faith filled leader such as President Lincoln was - even if he is only the leader of his family and not the whole United States.

I am proud to have a son whose name has so much rich meaning to us! I pray that every time I call his name out, I am reminded of the Lord's goodness and of a Godly man who was once president of this great nation that we love!

April Update

Sadly, my goal of updating the blog once a month is failing... miserably. Ha! I am so far behind I wonder where to even start...

Havana:

Well, our precious daughter will be 18 months old on April 28th! She is getting so big, so quickly. I'm very proud of her and absolutely love my job of being her mommy. I can't imagine spending my days doing anything else other than playing with her and meeting her needs. She has such a sweet and tender heart that I love watching.

I won't lie, it was a long winter with her. She is very much like me and we both get bored quickly if we just stay home all day - so being snowed in for several days was a challenge on both of us, but we made it through. ;) The past few months had other challenges in them as well as she is gaining independence and had discovered the wonderful world of fits. It has certainly tested me in our parenting skills.

A couple of months ago, she became quite demanding for TV and what foods she wanted to eat. If you didn't give her the foods she wanted, she would throw the food you were giving her on the floor and scream non-stop. If you said no to TV, she would throw herself on the floor. We quickly realized we needed to bite this in the butt. We totally took away all TV for her and went several weeks without turning it on at all. That was actually very refreshing! The meal time battle was a little different, at first I would offer her a few different foods for dinner because I was scared she would get hungry at night. She would reject everything I offered (I'm sure if I offered ice cream, she would have been okay with that! :) After a few nights of that Jason and I really decided that isn't going to be how we do things in our family. She can't decide what we eat for dinner, I decide. I can't imagine having 5 children and fixing them all something different. She can eat what is offered or she can go to bed hungry... Still, it took several nights of her screaming, throwing her food on the floor, and going to bed without dinner before she quickly got the hang of it. I'm happy to announce it has been at least a full month, if not two, since her last fit at dinner time. In fact, now she gladly eats what we give her or is content to walk around the kitchen by herself while Jason and I finish dinner. While we eat we refuse to hold her or play with her - so she can eat dinner with us or play by herself. Meal times are much nicer around our house these days. :)

Dealing with her emerging self will was certainly a trying time for us. As her parents, we hate to see her upset, but we had to look at the big picture-- what did we want to instill in her? We did not want her to think that she gets to choose what we eat... nor do we want her to think if she cries hard enough, she will get her way. We want her to learn that mommy and daddy are the boss and we love her, but won't let her rule our home. While I do think giving a child choices is very healthy for them, there are only certain types of choices she gets. She can choose to drink water or milk with her snack, during our free play time (pretty much all day...:) she can choose what room and what toy. She can choose which book we read, etc. She CANNOT choose what we eat for meals, when and how much TV she gets, what time she goes to bed, etc.

I certainly wouldn't call our parenting style authoritative, but we do expect her to learn self control. She will still throw fits, as all toddlers do, but we gently tell her that she needs to gain self control and then we walk away. Once she has gained self control, we praise her and then we talk about her feelings - why she was feeling sad, what did she want, and if applicable, why she couldn't have what she was asking for. We think communication is key, but at the same time, I'm not going to explain myself to her or ask her if it is alright that we don't do something -- sometimes it is just because mommy and daddy don't think the activity she wanted to do is best for the family right now or whatever - we do explain that to her and we always tell her that we love her very much but that she can't always get her way. I also tell her I know this is a hard lesson to learn.

We've also been working on first time obedience. If she disobeys us, she is punished (right now that punishment is usually either a time out or ending a game we were playing). It is hard (emotionally and physically not to mention the time it takes up!) to continually follow through, but it is so very important for her to know that we mean what we say... when we say it. When we ask her to put a book away, we do expect her to do it. At first we had to help her with this, but now she knows that when we finish a book, she has to put it back... sometimes she'll run off laughing or just throw the book on the ground (and laugh). That isn't acceptable...While we have done a lot to baby proof the house - she will go up and touch the TV or an outlet while looking at us because she KNOWS she isn't supposed to... little goose... anyway, if she does either of those, she will get put in time out. The other day I told her no and she immediately signed "sorry" which is what she has to do in order to come out of time out - I had to keep my laughter inside and still make her have a time out! :) Our basic parenting philosophy is that our first goal with her - above anything else - is to have her know and love the Lord. We try to model that in our own lives for her as well as talking and praying with her often. We want her to know that God is trusting us to be her parents, and it is her responsibility to obey us... when she disobeys us, she is ultimately disobeying God. We want her heart to reflect obedience towards Him and with that comes obeying us. We also have a responsibility to apologize to her if our parenting or example isn't in line with His Word. There has already been a time or two I've had to apologize to her for mistakes I have made... We also feel that once she is old enough to do something herself, we no longer do it for her. Now that she can put her books away without our help, that is now her job, I'm not going to do it for her anymore. That way she learns responsibility.

Other than dealing with all of that, which was more during February than now... our focus these days is just being consistent... she's a pretty perfect little girl. She does make me laugh out loud daily by something that she does and I love watching her use her imagination! She enjoys music, reading, cooking in her kitchen, building towers, and driving her cozy coup! She has also become very aware of shapes and loves any sort of shape sorter! We take many trips to the zoo, the children's museum, the park, bouncertown, and we have story time at the library twice a week! We also try to have 1-2 play dates with friends a week! She's very active, smart, funny, and kind. She can be pretty sensitive (she gets that from me!) and I love how tender the Lord has made her heart. I can't wait to see what He does in and through her life!!!

She is starting to look more and more like me, but certainly has her daddy's height. I look at her every morning pretty sure she grew several inches from the night before. She is a great little communicator with sign language, but her verbal communication isn't where it "should" be and so we are getting ready to start speech therapy with her. I guess part of me wishes she didn't need speech therapy because I feel as if she is so perfect, but Jason and I agree that we would rather be proactive and help this instead of her turning two and us thinking we should have started something earlier. Her hearing and comprehension are incredible (I can be in one room and start quoting from a book that is on her bookshelf in her room and she'll run and pick out the exact book I'm quoting!) but she doesn't realize she can say words like we can. She has not shown much frustration over this and as I said, she is very good at communicating... but it will be fun to watch her as she learns how to form words on her own! I think Jason is getting excited to hear her say "dada" which she still has never said (although she does sign for him now, which is very sweet). :)

We get asked a lot if she is ready to be a big sister. Well, I don't know... since she is so young there isn't a lot we can do to prepare her, but over the winter, we got Baby Ap's room ready and if the door is closed we tell her she needs to be quiet because he is sleeping. If it is open, she can go in and play. We also transitioned her into a "big girl room" and moved the glider and such out of her room and into the nursery. Now I'll sit in the glider in the nursery and tell her I can't play with her because I'm feeding baby brother... so she usually just brings a book in to my feet and looks at it. I'm not sure she really understands, but I'm hoping as we bring him home and I say those words, she'll put it all together. We've also been reading a few books to her - one is Grumpy Gloria which is about a dog who feels left out until she learns there is room for two... and we really talk about the pictures and what is happening. We also have a book called "I'm a Big Sister Now" and it goes all into babies and how they cry and don't play very much, but how mommy and daddy still love the big sister. We read that to her often but changed the names from Baby to his name and when it says "I" we insert "Havana." Sometimes when we are snuggling I'll tell her a story about a Mommabear, Dadabear, Havanabear, and a BabyApbear.... and tell the story of bringing Ap home and Havana not knowing what to think about it... again, I'm not sure how much she realizes, but hopefully, once we put a face with a name, I'm hoping it will all click! That and a whole lot of prayer!

Jason and I have certainly become MUCH more prayerful in everything. She is getting to the age we don't want to make parenting mistakes that we'll have to "undo" later and we want to really seek God's face in how to raise her... so, we've gotten into the habit of praying with her a lot, but after we put her to bed at night, we usually go and pray for her and for us. It is humbling and exciting to see the Lord work in our family in such powerful ways.

Baby Ap:

Well, he's doing well. I'm now full term! This pregnancy has been harder in general than my one with Havana, but I certainly can't complain because I'm so grateful for life and to be able to have another baby. I can't wait to meet him in about a week! :)

We have his first name picked out -- but not his middle name yet. We keep going back and forth between two different names for that one. I wore a bracelet when Havana was born that had her named engraved on it and so we took that same bracelet back to the store and had them engrave his name on it as well. Can't wait to share it with you all and the story behind it!!! :)

Jason and I are doing incredibly well. I am so grateful for such a wonderful husband. The other day I was looking at Havana and was overcome with peace that she would marry a quality man because of the dad she has. They have such an incredible relationship and I feel that all my children will benefit greatly in life because Jason is their father. :) He continues to be an amazing husband each and every day. He comes home and tells me stories of conversations he has had at work where he is able to share his faith or what God is teaching him and I'm just so thankful for him as my spiritual leader and protector.

We also have been seeking the Lord's will for where we should move. We are currently living in a rental house until the baby is born and we actually found a house within the past week that we made an offer on! The offer was accepted and pending a good home inspection, we should be closing on it in mid-May. The house is in New Albany, Indiana - near exit 7 off of 65. For those who don't live around there, that is very close to Louisville! We are very, very excited to move back and get re-integrated with all of our dear friends. While I will miss my friends and the city of Indy; I am thrilled to think about being part of the Southeast family again. I feel so blessed by all my Louisville friends who have stayed close despite the miles and it will be so refreshing to be back there. Four years later, every time I head back to visit, I always feel like I am home.

We had thought about moving back down there earlier, but by the time we sold our house, we knew we were pregnant and wanted to stay up here and keep our doctor (whom we LOVE!!!) so we just rented a house. Jason mentioned once that he wondered if the way were feeling is similar to what the Israelites felt...knowing God is calling us to some place, but not being able to get there. Feeling almost like an aimless wanderer, not really being able to put down roots knowing we might leave, but knowing it wasn't time to enter the Land either. Of course, we know Louisville is NOT the promised land, but it is challenging to stay in one place when you feel called to another. But, we're getting excited for the move becoming closer (although moving with a new born and an 18 month old doesn't sound so appealing!) despite how sad we'll be to leave certain people and Elijah's grave site. I certainly have plans on coming back from time to time and am so thankful for facebook to stay in touch with friends!

Living in New Albany will be a longer commute for Jason, but he's willing to do it for our family. He is still loving his job at Columbus Regional Hospital, and I have to say that I like it too! All his partners are very nice and his hours are amazing! We are so grateful for him to have that job!


Well, I most likely won't update until after the baby is born... which is just a few days away! Please be praying for us, Ap and his safe arrival, and Havana and the transition of becoming a big sister (and that she does well without Mommy and Daddy for a few days...). I'm so excited to see what the Lord has planned for the Dugger family!!

It has been a few months...

Okay, so I am perhaps the worst blogger in the world! Well, a lot has happened since my last post, most of you all know all the details, but if you give me a few minutes of your time I'll update you on Havana's development and growth as well as the new addition!

HAVANA:

Well, my baby girl is getting so big and is so much fun! She is now 14 months old and I'm just amazed at her growth and beauty. She is so much fun and we literally spend 99% of our day playing. She is a great sleeper (about 12 hours) and usually wakes up between 8 and 8:30. We get up, eat some breakfast, and then play in her playroom all morning. About 2-3 hours after she wakes, we eat a snack and then she takes a 2-3 hour nap. After she wakes up, we eat lunch, play for a few hours, have a snack, and then she's back down for an afternoon nap which is 1-2 hours. Finally we snack, play, dinner, bath, and bed by 8pm. It is truly a wonderful life. She loves to play with her play kitchen, ride in her cozy coupe, stack blocks, kick a ball, and read books. I am amazed at all her interests as she could read books for hours, but also enjoys kicking or throwing balls as well music (she dances, claps, and asks to play music pretty much all day long).

She is walking all over the place - she has been taking steps since early November, but on November 30th she started walking on her own more than crawling. It was comical for me because she refused to crawl that day and to watch her determination was fun to see. She also seemed to walk on her tip toes and her arms were out to her side for balance so she looked like a little ballet dancer... I could see the top of her pony tail bouncing up and down behind the couch!

Her language skills are doing well... she doesn't actually say too many audible (to anyone other than herself :) words, but she does say, "Mama" "Yum Yum" and "Uh-Oh" her other babble words include "Ap" "Baba" and "Papa." She does understand a lot and it is fun to watch her listen to commands ("Go get a book, please" "Please take this to Daddy") and she can sign a lot of words (All Done, Please, Drink, More, Prayers, Amen...). It is fun to teach her sign language as it certainly helps with the communication block!

Her laugh is beautiful and one of my favorite sounds. Sometimes she'll be playing by herself and I just hear laughter from her playroom. She loves to laugh when we play "chase me" (where she runs and I come after her and tickle her) and at her daddy. She still struggles with separation/stranger anxiety but we keep putting her in the nursery at church (even though we get paged out every week that I'm not working in there with her), but have changed our date nights to after she is asleep so that babysitters just have to sit in our house while she sleeps. But, other than that, she is overall a very happy little girl who is so full of love. She loves to give kisses and hugs (to us, to Tucker, and her toys).

She is very adaptable and has been a great traveler -- (in her short life she's already been to 8 states and in the past two months has taken three trips that required plane rides!). She took her first trip to Disney World last month and was able to ride several rides! We also recently got back from a trip to the beach (her 2nd beach trip) where she loved swimming in the ocean! Back at home we do a story time, play often at the Children's Museum (can't wait for warmer weather so we can hit the zoo again too), and she is signed up for swim lessons starting mid-January! We stay busy playing with friends, dancing, singing, and playing.

My heart wells up with pride just thinking about her. Sometimes I just burst into tears looking at her and thinking about how blessed I am to have her and Jason. I don't deserve them and I wonder if she will ever know my deep, deep love for her. The other day I was wondering how someone can be a mother and not believe in God -- where does that kind of love come from if it isn't from the Lord? I just look or think about my daughter and I'm so proud of her - not because of anything she has done, but just because. Personally, I know that sometimes I think more of how I disappoint the Lord in my life, but I'm learning that His love truly is unconditional and it isn't just "love" but it is pride, joy, happiness, and other emotions just when He thinks of us. Do we disappoint Him and Hurt him - yes, daily, but I'm humbled thinking that how proud I am of Havana (even on her bad days) is not even close to what God feels for when looking down on each one of us! Wow, what love.

Parenting has started to become... overwhelming at times for me. Not so much the "job" of it -- I love the daily grid, so to speak, but the spiritual side of it. The first year of Havana's life wasn't super challenging... I was strict in having her sleep in her room (not being held) and putting her on a feeding/sleeping schedule... and those are things I'm a big fan of. We don't negotiate with Havana and won't ever, we're firm believers that we are the parents and she is not. Our pediatrician was very complimentary at our one year visit saying we were some of the best parents she had ever seen: we didn't get rattled by her crying and we didn't allow her crying to dictate our actions. I don't say that pridefully, but just stating that the logistics of parenting don't really intimidate us, I have done enough babysitting and observing friends who had children before I did - I saw things I wanted to do and things I knew I would never do. But, now that she is year, the desire to raise her up in the way of the Lord, to pray for her, to teach her about Jesus, never missing an opportunity to show her the love of Christ... those things sometimes burden us because we often feel so unprepared.

We have done a Bible study and prayer with her every night before she goes to bed since she was born, but it has to be more than that. It is showing her the patience and love of Christ, reminding her often the truths of the Bible, praying God's Word for her, teaching her that she is to obey us on the first command not because we want obedience, but that we are to obey God and it is a change of command. Some might think she is too young for some of that, but she's not. We want her to always know that we love each other, we love her, and we want her to be aware of the Lord and His love. How do I incorporate that enough? How do I protect her innocence? That is what Jason and I have been really getting serious about these past two months - from the blessings we speak over her, having her pray at night instead of us, and every night we pray from God's Word for her. We're also reading different books not so much on discipline, but on teaching your young kids about the Lord. I feel so unprepared when it comes to raising up a child in the way of the Lord, but I know it is a challenge we are ready to face head on, wrestling with all the demons we need to in order to make sure our family is stable and God-honoring.

BABY AP:
Well, the last time I updated the blog, we had just had an early miscarriage. That was rough. Shortly after that miscarriage we called our doctor and asked for an appointment to talk about starting back on fertility drugs (we ended up doing a drug combo for several months before we were able to conceive the first time with Elijah). The first appointment she had open to see us was September 8th and so waited until then. We went in to see her and told her about how we'd been trying since December, the whole July trouble, and then asked her about starting us back on drugs. She had no hesitations in starting us back up, but before she started us on the drugs, she wanted to do a pregnancy test just to make sure. We said okay, but I looked at her and said, "Okay, but it will come up negative." Jason and I were waiting back in the exam room when she walked through the door and said, "Well, this test came up positive." I jumped off the table and said, "What?!" Jason leaned back in his chair and said, "What in the World." Dr. B gave me a hug and then said she would take some blood and call me the next day to talk about the levels.

Jason and I were still not convinced and so we went home and took another test just to make sure there was no mix up at the hospital, it of course turned positive right away.. the excitement turned to sheer fear as we realized that we could loose this baby too! I was not expecting the doctor until the close of the next day, but she called before 9am! She said my levels "looked great" which made her want to follow up with an ultrasound since my levels had never looked good (with Elijah or Havana). We went in a few days later for our first ultrasound and found out, to my doctors suspicion, that we had concieved twins. However, at the time, only one of the twins had a heartbeat, but it was still early (6 weeks) and so we were to follow back up in two weeks with another ultrasound and I was to go in every few days for a blood work.

I have to say, to think we were going in to start fertility drugs, to find out we were pregnant, to find out it is twins was a lot to process! I have always wanted twins and was thrilled at the thought. In fact, as soon as we found out we were pregnant I told Jason "maybe it is twins." However, the doctor noted that my levels were dropping and so we had another ultrasound to confirm that the 2nd twin was not going to make it. They call it "vanishing twin syndrome" where one of the twins never makes it out of the first trimester. She started me on drugs to sustain the other twin and tried to reassure me that all would be okay. She said I would either start bleeding which would be me passing the twin (she did say they would bring me in right away to check to make sure the remaining twin was still okay) or that the twin would be "reabsorbed" as the surviving twin grew. Well, the latter has happened as I haven't had any bleeding.

Anyway, to say I am sad over the loss of that twin is an understatement. We lost yet another baby - what is wrong with my body that I can't support life the way women are supposed to? It seems every good news on the fertility front of our family has a loss in there as well: Elijah, our adopted daughter with Havana, and now the loss of a twin. Will I ever know the feeling of being pregnant and not have to come to terms with a loss in the middle of it? I don't want to sound ungrateful or as if I'm not super excited about Havana and Ap, but the joys of those babies don't take away or erase the pain of the loss. People don't always seem to understand that which can be frustrating. All of our children, biological or not, are important and special to me and I just want to know they their lives (even if short) were valued and important to others as well. I feel as if I am clinching at their memories because if I don't, no one else (save Jason) will remember my children and how much they were loved and wanted. I wanted that twin and that want won't go away.

We kept the news of this pregnancy to ourselves because Havana's first birthday was just a few weeks away and we were planning on telling our families all at once at the end of her party in order to allow her to have her special day without questions or congrats of the pregnancy. Because of that, we announced that we were pregnant after knowing we had lost the twin - which brought about a lot of internal conflict as I wanted people to know about our loss and yet most people didn't seem phased by the fact that we said we had lost the twin, not even an "I'm Sorry" but just a congrats or a one is more than enough sort of statements. Not everyone, I did even get a sympathy card in the mail, but more people than not didn't know how to respond. I understand, I know a lot of people don't know how to handle that or what to say, but just some friendly advice - just say "i'm sorry." Don't try to sugar coat things or find the silver lining, we'll find it on our own in time, but just a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" which shows us that the little life we once had was important and will be missed.

Sorry, I know I often talk about how people don't get me or don't do or say the right thing in this blog. I don't mean it to be a bashing place, but it is a place for me to share my thoughts and feelings and this is part of them. I don't mean to be critical, but do hope to educate people in how to respond to friends they might have who will go through something similar. :)

Anyway, back the story, so with the knowledge that we lost one twin sent the fear of loosing the other through the roof. It was an exhausting month or so of just really wrestling with God to have faith during all of this. When I prayed, really, really prayed - pouring my heart out to God (instead of just asking for the baby to survive) I would be filled with a peace and just a simple asking for me to trust Him. It was hard, but oh the moments with the Lord were so sweet. I opened Havana's Bible to read her story and the title was called "Jesus and the Children" and I got this whisper in my spirit of the Lord saying, "Darby, do you realize that I love this baby more than you do?! Trust me with it!" Wow! It was certainly a time for growth. One night at dinner I was talking to Jason about my fear of loosing the baby and he said, "This has got to stop. All you have talked about this week was loosing the baby... we are called to be people of faith." He was so right. I also started claiming Scripture in my life that had to do with casting out fear. It was a powerful month of growth and trust for me, but I'm glad I had to go through it.

Now, we are almost 22 weeks pregnant and the baby is doing well (Praise God!) and we recently found out it is going to be a boy!!! Many people ask us where the name Baby Ap comes from, well, that is what Havana wanted to name him! :) She started saying "Ap" for the first time on the day we found out we were pregnant and then she would say it every time we talked about the baby. So, the name has stuck! It is fun to have a little nickname for him, that will help us in keeping his name under wraps! :) The pregnancy hasn't been horrible, the first trimester was great, but when I hit 13 weeks I started puking and became exhausted. The month of November was the hardest for me as I just wanted to sleep all the time, but in early December I pulled out of it. The only symptom I have had is that I'm hungry all the time - and I'm wanting red meat a lot, which is rare for me. He's also kicking me! I didn't feel Havana kick until after 24 weeks and even then, I felt her "shift" more than kick, but Ap has been kicking me pretty much non-stop since the end of November. :)

Our due date is May 9th and we couldn't be more excited. Looking back I see this baby being a little love gift from God. I always wanted my first two children close together. We thought we were going to get that with the two kids 6 months apart (the adopted baby and havana) but after that fell through, our family felt so empty. I kept saying I wanted to get pregnant right away with 18 months being the farthest apart that I would be okay with having my children. In my head, I thought that meant we had to conceive in July, which is why the miscarriage in July was also difficult - I felt as if my dream of having 2 kids close together was being crushed! But, apparently, the Lord is better at math than I am because Havana will be 18 months on April 28th and Ap is due days after that!!! :) On top of that, May 9th is between Elijah's due date (April 17th) and our adopted daughter's birthday and day we lost her (May 20/May 22nd) and what a sweet gift to give us something positive in that time which is always trying. So, we are looking forward to May, when our family grows by one boy, but we cherish each day we have now together as well.

This is a blog more of less to talk about the children we will be adding to our family by birth and adoption, but as a simple marriage update - Jason and I are doing very well. We recently celebrated our 5 year anniversary and are more in love than ever. Married life is such a blessing and I'm so lucky to have such a godly man. We both believe that after our personal relationships with the Lord, our marriage comes next -even before the kiddos and so we are intentional about growing in our marriage and love, having conversations that don't revolve around children, and just enjoy each other. I love Jason and am so grateful for his leadership, friendship, and love. :)

Thanks for reading! My goal is to do an update a month or so, but we'll see... :) I'll attach a photo that I love from Havana at Disney World and then from West Palm Beach!!!! I love all my friends and appreciate a place to be real!

Havana is 9 Months Old... and other stuff!!!!

Those are some of my favorite photos from the past month!!!! It has been a fun month as Havana loves playing! She is so much fun and we spend our days playing with her toys, singing songs (she has a very high pitched voice), dancing, playing with friends, some days swimming or the zoo, reading, snuggling, and just enjoying time together. Jason has given me the greatest gift by allowing me to be a stay at home mom!!!! While there are some days that I think I could do an outside job so much better than I do the whole mommy thing - I really wouldn't trade it for the world. It is a 24/7 job with no breaks, no days off, and it is the best!!!!

At her 9 month appointment a few weeks ago Havana was 29 3/4 inches long (97%) and 18 pounds, 9 ounces (50%). She has been rolling around for a long time, but just today (August 3rd) she started crawling!!!! She can also pull herself up into a stand and has been known to take a few shaky steps from time to time. She is still a very good sleeper and sleeps about 10-12 hours at night and during the day takes 2, 2 hour naps. There are some days when she doesn't think she needs to sleep for the entire 2 hours - but we don't go in and get her until the two hours is up and on those days it is fun to watch her (in the video monitor) play with her toys and books that are in her crib. She has such an imagination already!

Everyone (including Jason) is saying they are starting to see more of me in her appearance! I'm happy to hear that! :) Her personality is developing and she certainly takes after me in that regard! She is outgoing, funny, loves being the center of attention, dramatic, and a chatter box! :) She is also very stubborn and SASSY!!!!! Yep, just like her mama! Sometimes I just wonder what God has in store for her life. What is He going to use her personality to accomplish?! The possibilities are endless, but we pray daily for her to love the Lord with her whole heart and for protection from the Evil One. I can't wait to see how He uses her!

Jason and I feel so blessed to finally be a mommy and daddy. We've never been happier and we've never been closer. It warms my heart to see Jason interact with his daughter and just today he told me how glad he was that I am the mommy to his children! It certainly has deepened our relationship and we do feel very blessed to have Havana. However, as I mentioned last month, our struggle with infertility continues and this past month has proven to be another bump in the road.

We've been using ovulation predictor kits in hopes of them helping us conceive! Last month we saw an "LH Surge" and we were very thrilled. We were so happy to see that you would have thought we had gotten a positive pregnancy test. After seeing that, I contacted a few close friends and asked them to be praying for us over the next few days - that a baby would be conceived. It didn't take too long - about a week or so - after I ovulated for me to start "feeling" pregnant - tired, headache, etc. I was so excited and even told Jason that I thought it was a boy! I was incredibly happy thinking that for once things were going to easy for us and that I would be normal!

My whole life I had wanted my first two children back to back... super close together. When we found out about the adoption and the pregnancy last March I remember thinking that this was God's way of making that come true! 2 children, 6 months apart... I was on could 9 and had such joy at the thought of it. Double the blessing after waiting for so long. Sadly, as you know, that wasn't the way it happened. I am still devastated over the loss of our precious adopted daughter, but thought perhaps we would have two biological children close together. Jason and I talked about trying for our 2nd baby in hopes to conceive quickly and then adopting our third as if we went the adoption route for our 2nd baby we would take a while (we would have to wait until Havana is a year to even get on the waiting list, then wait to get picked, and then wait for the baby to be born and see if the birthmother goes through with it) and we didn't want that much space between our first children. We kept thinking that if we had 2 then we would be so busy that waiting for our third child wouldn't seem as long and painful as it does now. So... as we've stated before, we've been trying to conceiving since Havana was 6 weeks old. I was hoping it would happen by the time she was 6 months or at least 9 months. 9 months to me would be the last "okay" month as that would put our children 18 months apart which would still be close together. I could picture it, it seemed perfect... so, seeing the LH surge last month made me think perhaps things would be just as we planned them and perhaps the Lord was going to truly grant us the desires of our heart.

However, as always, things just can't be easy for us... I began bleeding on the 24th of July... which was the same day as Havana's 9 month appointment. Sorry if this is too personal or too much information, but I am just expressing my heart... you see, we believe that bleeding was actually an early miscarriage. It was not at the "normal time", it was VERY Painful, VERY heavy, VERY clotted, and along with it all, I felt a horrible sense of loss that I can't put into words but felt after our other losses. We will never know for sure, this side of heaven, if it truly was a miscarriage or not, but I believe in my heart it was. Those events have really brought everything back in such real ways... the pain and frustration of infertility, the sadness of all the losses, the inadequacy I feel as a woman feeling as if I can't do my job, I can give Jason the family he wants, etc. etc. The past two weeks have been very heart breaking as I feel like my vision and dream for my family and having two children close together is slipping through my fingers and there is NOTHING I can do to stop it or put it back together. I'm completely out of control, completely helpless, completely heart broken!

What do we have to do to be normal? To be like most couples who can get pregnant easily or without even trying?! Why does our story have to be filled with bumps and heart aches?! We were talking about this last night before bed because Jason brought up our adopted daughter and the still very real pain of her loss... he ended up saying at some point during the conversation, "I guess God has a different vision for our family than we do." And with that I cried... why?! I've been praying for God to give me the same vision and desire He has for our family... why are they still so different?

The night the bleeding started, I told Jason that I was going to ask God when we get to heaven WHY?! Why did other people not struggle with this and we did?! Jason spoke truth into my life by reminding me of how God answers Job's questions: "Where you there when I formed the foundations of the earth?!" A few days later, we visited Southeast Christian Church, where the minister spoke about that very same passage. God's been pursuing me in that regard ever since and last week I spent about 3 days reading the book of Jonah... yes, that short book has spoken volumes to me. I could relate to Jonah who does not like or agree with the way God is handling things. While I don't think God is choosing to give us infertility (just a result of living in a fallen world) - He is allowing us to go through this. I'm don't really struggle with "why us" but I do struggle with "why them?" -- why are other people allowed to get pregnant so easily... I get frustrated with that more than I do with the fact we can't. Jason says that we can't play the comparison game with other couples, and he is right, but it is so hard not to! But, we're working through all of these emotions and struggles and are choosing to love and trust the Lord no matter what! It is just a process and some days I do a lot better with it than others. Please continue to pray for us and for our family.

In other (and lighter) news, Jason started his real job on July 4th and he has truly enjoyed it. His new schedule is AMAZING!!! I think I have seen him more this past month than I have our entire relationship!!! He is working, on average, 12 days out of the month (8-9 hours days) and in the month of July had 19 days off! Certainly not what we are used to, but we are loving it! The time together is sweet and we've been able to knock down our "to do" list with great aggression! We certainly feel blessed for Jason to have the job at the hospital he does because I doubt many people have such an ideal schedule!

As always, thanks for reading and caring! We continue to feel blessed by everyone's support.

8 months

Hi Friends!

I know, I'm horrible at updating the blog! I do hope to get better and my goal is a new blurb (or at least a photo) once a month, but that has been my goal all along and you can see how well that is working out! :)

Havana is now 8 months old -- wow! Where does the time go? It really does feel like just yesterday that she was born and now she's 8 months old... it makes me realize that the next 4 months will fly by and soon Havana will be one! One... I am doing my best to cherish every stage and I really feel like I've done a good job with that. I remember when she was a newborn and getting up in the middle of the night to feed her I kept cherishing those moments -- I used them as prayer time, but also I just knew they wouldn't last long. I'm trying to keep that mentality with everything - to cherish it, even if it is hard or challenging, because it will soon be over.

Havana is a mover... she rolling (not yet crawling, but close) all over the place and we are quickly learning how our house is not baby proofed as we once thought! Ha. A few weeks ago, in the matter of 30 minutes, she rolled over and pulled down my scrapbooks... then I was changing her diaper and found paper in her mouth (where she got it, I still don't know)... and then i put her back down and went to wash my hands... i came back and she had rolled across the room and was putting Tucker's peanut butter kong in her mouth! Whew! I laughed so hard! We are having so much fun - we go to the zoo at least once a week, the Children's museum often, and our new favorite summer activity -- SWIMMING. She is such a little fish and is so happy in the water. We have spent over three hours straight one time just swimming and splashing. When we are at home, she loves playing with Tucker and her toys... we make up dances and sing songs all day. I am having a BLAST being a mommy... actually that is an understatement... I have no words to describe my delight with my role as mommy! I knew I wanted to be a mom but I didn't know how much I would just relish in my role. I never knew how much fun doing the honkey pokey really is! I am so blessed and God is entrusting us with a very special girl. I do feel as if she is going to have such a heart for the Lord. Now that we are eating, we say prayers before each meal... and we have "family devotions" every night which include a Bible story and prayers, but more than that, I've made her "changing table time" talking time... where I talk to her about God. The other day we talked about how she is an ambassador for Christ to everyone she knows from her siblings, to her grandparents, to her classmates... the next day, we talked about how God made her body special and for a purpose. I am really challenged to make those conversations special and to actually plan out what we are going to talk about and what truths I want her to learn.

Jason is enjoying fatherhood! In fact, I've never seen a father like him before. He is so involved in Havana's life - he knows her likes and dislikes, her schedule, her cries, and even the words to her favorite songs. He is very invested in her life and I am so proud of the father he is. He challenges me to be a better mommy each and every day and he's never slow to help me out. I love that i can leave him with her and not have to tell him what and when she needs to eat or sleep -- he knows. I have such a peace when I leave. It is very evident that Havana loves her daddy as she lights up every time he walks into the room. Those two are very close and I pray daily it will always stay that way.

In other news, we do want a second baby soon! We've been wanting one since Havana was about 5 minutes old! :) We have been very open to getting pregnant... well, forever. We will never be a couple that prevents pregnancy. For me, and a little for Jason too, the feelings connected with infertility quickly have come back. We've been trying for over 6 months with no luck and while I do appreciate the gift of Havana and I'm not taking away from the joy we have in her... I do get sad and frustrated that we've not been able to get pregnant yet. We will adopt a few children into our family no matter what and so we are looking into re-opening our adoption file (we can't, by law, until Havana is one years old) so we are just going to keep trying and seeing if we get pregnant before that or if we will choose to adopt next. Either way, I am already praying for our next baby.

I am starting to realize that our infertility journey is never really going to be over. We are always going to feel as if part of our family is missing, because it is... we have a baby in heaven waiting for us and a daughter out in the foster care system somewhere that we love and pray for daily. We are also never going to forget the pain we went through before Havana arrived and the frustration that continues as we desire to have a big family (5, 6, 7 kids... whatever the Lord allows) and while we know all our children won't be biological (and we WANT it that way... we still really WANT to adopt) we would like to think it would be "easy" to get pregnant and we know it is not. It seems so unnatural to me that getting pregnant is this hard and Satan often whispers that I'm not doing my duty as a woman... but I am also learning (and relearning) that I'm okay with our journey.

Do I like it? NO! Do I accept it? YES... what choice do I have... but on top of that... this is the road the Lord has led us on. Did He cause it? NO, but He has a plan! He knows our desires to have a big family and He wants to bless us, but He wants us to trust Him. I liken it to a caravan! If I'm following someone in my car and they know where they are going and I don't... I watch that car and try to stay right behind it. If I loose sight of it or something obstructs my view of that car - I do what I can to quickly find it and get behind it again so that I can reach the proper destination. Jesus is driving that car - He knows where He wants to take it. I'm trying to follow closely and while yes, I do loose sight of it, I'm getting better about looking for the car and being OKAY with following instead of trying to drive the lead car. I don't know what the rest of my life looks like, but He does. I often forget that He knows... He knows each of my children and what their names are (even though I don't even know that yet) and when they will be born. He knows what each day of my life looks like! Wow! When you hear that and let that sink in... how can you NOT fall to the ground and worship Him?! How can you not blindly follow and trust HIM?! Nothing else, no other religion, no man made plans... nothing... no nothing, can know our future, nothing can lead us on the path that we should go... nothing can compete for our worship! There is a verse in Proverbs (sorry don't know the exact reference) that says that in his head a man plans his way, but it is the Lord that directs his steps (or something like that) and I PRAY that my spirit can yield to what the Lord wants to do and the steps He wants me to take... despite the pain i might feel along the way. Everything will be worth it as it draws me closer to Him and just because I know I'm following the One True God - not matter what comes, that is my hope.

Well, I certainly didn't meant to type all that, but just wanted to share a bit of where we are! Thanks for all your prayers for our family. Please continue to pray for us and for Havana to be healthy and safe from all the evils of the world! :)

We love you all and we love Our Lord!

PS... Jason also is now out of residency and starts his job in Columbus, Indiana on July 4th! I'm so proud of him and all his hard work and success! He's truly my hero and is a wonderful ER doctor! :)

5 month update...

Hey Everyone,

As I write this, I wonder if anyone still checks this blog since I have not updated it in quite a long time!!!! Oh well, thank you faithful followers! :) Havana is 5 months old now and is so much fun! She is getting so big, so quickly that I often times wonder where the time has gone. This past week was full of a lot of "firsts" - - her first time to ride in a stroller without her car seat, the firs time to take a bath in a "big girl tub", her first trip to the zoo, her first rolling over, and her first solid food! Whew, that is a lot of changes!! :)

Havana is a little chatter box and talks all day long (gee, I wonder where she gets that). She's a very smart little girl and it is so much fun to watch her put things together. She loves to giggle and to get (and give) kisses. Now that spring weather is getting closer we've been taking family walks almost daily and also the trip to the zoo. She loves being outside and looking at things... at the zoo, the giraffes made her laugh!

Jason and I are enjoying parenthood very much! Jason is such an incredible daddy. He loves her so much... the other day I woke up at 6:45am and Jason wasn't in bed and I noticed the nursery door opened... so I sneak in and look and Jason is changing little H's diaper. I guess he had heard her and went to check on her before I woke up. Anyway, as he picked her back up I saw him give her kisses and whisper "Daddy loves you, Little girl" and then he wrapped her back up and rocked her to sleep -- allowing me to get another hour or two of sleep time! It warms my heart so much to watch them together. She loves being her daddy's girl, that is for sure.

She also is in love with Tucker!!! Her new favorite thing to do is pet him and pull his ears. I think she thinks he is a big stuffed animal. She always smiles and reaches for him whenever she sees him. I love seeing that too as Tucker is still very much a spoiled baby in our house! Whoever says that your feelings for your pets decreases when you have a baby must never have had a Tucker!!! :) I still lovingly refer to him as our "first born" and together he and Havana are "our Children" - :).

A few weekends ago we were able to dedicate Havana at church. This is just where Jason and I promise to raise her in a Christian home, teach her to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, promise to pray for her daily, and also promise not to ever get a divorce. It was awesome and such a special day for us. I love my little family very much.

I won't lie, I still think about our adopted daughter daily... wondering what she is doing and praying that she will come to know Jesus as well. I will always love her as much as I love Havana and Elijah. I miss Elijah too and often think about being able to be with him in heaven. I love being a mommy and am in a really good place right now, but as I've said several times - Havana doesn't make me forget the pain we have gone through to get her.

In all honesty, I'm scared that adding children to our family will be hard. We've been trying to get pregnant again since December with no luck. I know Havana is young, but in our defense, when we knew we were going to have Havana we also thought we would be adopting a baby and for a long time we pictured our family with children 6 months apart. We loved that picture -- and we would still love to have two children close together - as back to back as possible. We still plan on adopting at least 2-3 children into our family, but we wouldn't be able to even go on the waiting list until November of 2009 and then who knows how long it will take to get chosen... so in my selfish/impatient way, I guess I dreamed of getting pregnant right away and then adopting our third and forth kiddos... however, I have learned all too well that i am not in charge of my fertility and that I can make all the plans in my head that I want, but that doesn't mean they will come to be. We are praying daily for God to show us what the next step for adding to our family will be, and until He makes it clear -- I'm content being Havana's mommy! She makes parenting a breeze!

Well, I'll pick a photo or two to add from her dedication, zoo trip, and her first feeding! Thanks everyone for your love and support. We love you all!

Merry Christmas!

Dear Loved Ones,

Merry Christmas!!!! We sincerely hope and pray that your Christmas this year was not only a special time with family, but a time to truly remember Christ's birth and the reason He was born -- which was to die for our sins and offer us Salvation! Praise God!!!! How we love each of you so much. This Christmas has truly been such a special day for the three of us! Havana has such a wonderful first Christmas and for us, just looking at the little girl in our arms is the best gift we could have received this year. We have to been able to spend this entire week together. Monday was a relaxing day at home, Tuesday we traveled to Cincinnati for the day to visit family, Christmas Eve we went to our church as a family of three and had a wonderful time of focusing on Christ and the true meaning of Christmas! The service was amazing and we followed it up by going out to eat and then watching "The Nativity Story". This morning we woke up and Havana was able to open all her gifts not only from her mommy and daddy, but from others who love her so much! We are so thankful for your love for our daughter! We followed the gifts with a special "Birthday Breakfast" and then we all took naps. :) Tonight we are about to have a wonderful Christmas dinner while listening to Christmas music! It has been such a special day as we remember very clearly the pain we had last Christmas.

We have found December to be the month where we mark our progress on this earthly journey. We discuss the year - its joys and sorrows. We also look at our marriage and family and we each make a list of three things we could improve on in the next year as well as highlighting three highs. December is a great time to look back and marvel at the designs of God and realize how very little we are in control of the events that have shaped the past year. Then, with hearts full, we look to the celebration of that silent, holy night, and all its certainty. Because of Christmas, this we know: Christ was born for us. He is love, and the plans He has for us always surpass those of our own. That is not always easy to grasp or accept, but how true! We were out of control with our fertility (or lack there of), we were out of control with both of our pregnancies, and we were out of control on that awful day when our adoption fell apart. But we KNOW that God is good - no matter what happens in our lives, His love is unwavering. We praise Him for His goodness to us.

No matter what you might be going through, on this glorious Christmas night, we pray that your heart seeks to know Him just a little bit deeper. His love for you is great. We are so thankful for the gift of Havana, but we are even more thankful for the gift of the birth of Christ!!! No matter what has happened in the past or what might happen in our future we again proclaim that Christ was born for us, He is Love, and the plans He has for us always surpass those of our own!!!!

May you be blessed this Christmas. Thank You, Jesus, for coming to earth in the form of a baby to be our King of Kings! If you are struggling with anything this Christmas or anytime, please always feel free to call us to be a shoulder to cry on and someone with whom you can always count on for prayers. We would love to share the love of our Saviour with you today and always!!! Merry Christmas!

With Love,
Jason, Darby, and Havana Dugger