Thursday, October 9, 2008
Family Baby Shower Photos
Here are some highlights from the family baby shower last weekend. To see all the photos go to: http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2131865&l=879f9&id=38303971
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
The Countdown is on... and a recap! :)
Hey Everyone,
So, I'm starting to type this on the 8th (Wednesday night) but know I won't post it until after midnight, which will make it October 9th, which means 19 more days until the due date!!! Pretty exciting.
Currently, I'm feeling AWESOME, although that hasn't been the case over the past few months. Sorry for my silence on the blog... we've been super busy. I do appreciate everyone who still checks the blog frequently for updates... even though I've been a slacker in posting.
Jason and I are doing well. Both have been pretty busy with our jobs and our other church and family responsibilities. Jason's been working pretty hard, but starting at the end of next week he'll have LOTS of time off between then and mid-December so that we can have some quality family time once the baby arrives. My work has also kept me busy, but more than anything has been a true answer to prayer. I love my job and it has helped me deal with the loss of our adopted daughter in more ways than I can explain. But just thinking of work puts a big smile on my face! :)
We have had a few "scares" with this little baby... which have not been fun. The first one came in late August when I didn't feel the baby move at all for almost 48 hours! I went in and they hooked me up to the monitors for several hours and were concerned about the baby's heart rate. I was only about 7 months along at that point. Those few days were quite scary for us as we both realized that we could loose this baby too. Thankfully, she is a fighter and after being carefully monitored we were sent home. I feel her move more regularly now, but still not "a lot" by any means. My doctor things that maybe she is just a "calm" baby. Which she clearly gets from her daddy and not from me! ;)
The other scare has come over the past few weeks since I'm not gaining weight. This isn't the first time I've not gained enough weight to make the doctor happy, but over the last three weeks I have not gained 1 pound! I don't know how since my belly is getting bigger... but the doctor said as long as the baby is growing she isn't too concerned. I'm certainly not too worried as my belly is continually getting bigger... I do have to say it made me wonder why. We continue to pray daily for her to survive and thrive in my womb and that God will allow her to come home to us soon.
I just mentioned those two things to catch you all up, but let me say that right now we're feeling confident that we'll bring her home soon. Yes, we still have some scares, but I think more than anything we are just excited to FINALLY bring a baby into this house. It is funny, I'm feeling great and have more energy than ever (last week I happily walked over 3 miles one afternoon just because)! I think that is largely due to the fact that I'm emotionally in a good place for the first time throughout this pregnancy. I tried to ignore the fact I was pregnant for so long because I was sure we would loose her too... but now I'm feeling much more secure that we'll get to bring this one home. My doctor laughs at me and says that it is good to FINALLY see me excited.
Once I made the switch from ignoring to being excited... I felt a little sad that this pregnancy was not a normal first child pregnancy. No one had offered (at that point) to throw us a shower for this baby. While we had showers for the adopted baby... it wasn't the same. With my love language being "gifts" I would always know the gifts bought for the adopted baby verses the gifts no one (again, at that point) had gotten this baby. Also, our shower invitations all had something about the fact we were adopting or the baby's due date being May 31st. How could I put those in her baby book? Would I have anything to add that showed her we prepared and celebrated her arrival?
It took me a while to come to terms with those emotions. I felt bad about feeling that way because I didn't want to appear ungrateful for what had been done for us in the past. I'm very thankful to have celebrated our adopted daughter in that way and she has her own baby book with photos, invitations, and such. I also felt in a way, cheated, from the first baby experience. While this little one due in 19 days will be (God willing) the first child we bring home. In other, very real, ways she is our third child. That has made this pregnancy very bittersweet. I was looking at some of my other friends who are pregnant with their first children - due around the same time we are - and it was night and day. They were quitting their jobs, I went out and got one. They were having showers, I was having none. They were registering, my registry had been open for over a year. Etc. It just didn't "feel" like a first child.
I went back and forth on how to handle this. Finally, I just decided to go on and share how I was feeling with a couple of dear friends. It made me feel better to get out some of my sad feelings because overall I was thrilled for this little one. Once I shared how I was feeling with a few friends I felt wonderful! Pretty much everyone I shared my heart with agreed that I had a right to feel that way. I had one friend thank me for sharing that with them because she didn't think about it from that perspective. She said because our situation is so complex, there are feelings and emotions that someone who has never gone through anything like that wouldn't understand or grasp without being told. I felt that after I shared my true emotions I could really celebrate her birth. I even deleted our old registry and opened a new one just for her. It was fun to get to register again! :)
My sister-in-law got together with my mother-in-law and step mother-in-law to throw us a "family" shower (which we never had for the adopted baby). We just had that this past Saturday and it was AMAZING. It was a lot of fun, but on top of that, it was so special to be surrounded by family who I could tell were really excited to welcome this little one.
Then, on Tuesday of this week (the 7th) some of my girlfriends from church actually threw me a surprise baby shower! Not only was I surprised, but I was overwhelmed. Again, it felt good to be surrounded by people who were wanting to celebrate and honor our third child which will actually be the first child we bring home. It feels good to have had some ways to celebrate this little one specifically.
Well, that has been an overview of the past few months. Nothing new with the sad situation with the adopted baby, but we continue to pray daily for her and I usually dream about her at least once a week or so. Jason and I still very much want to adopt and plan to pursue adoption again. We are not sure what God has in store for our family, but we would love to see at least 2 if not three of our children join our family through the blessing of adoption.
September marked the 1 year anniversary of the day we lost Elijah. That day was a lot harder than either of us thought it would be. We both cried a lot and the memory of everything is still so fresh. I can remember every detail of the day we found out. I seemed to relive it that day much more vividly than I thought I would. I am thankful for the promise of heaven and to know that he's up there now. I just prayed what our senior pastor prayed for us on the day we buried him, that Jesus would play extra hard with him up there until we can join him in heaven.
Through all of this... the years of infertility, the miscarriage, the adoption loss, and now the countdown to baby... we remain so thankful to have such wonderful people (YOU) who have supported us in prayer and love along the way. We do have a complex story and I'm not sure why God has allowed what He has, but I do know that I'm THANKFUL. Because of it we have been able to share the love of Jesus Christ with others, we have grown closer as a married couple, and I know God will continue to use our story to help encourage others who have dealt or are dealing with some or all of the issues we have dealt with. God is incredible. He is so faithful and such an ever present help in times of trouble. He has certainly been good to us - while it hasn't always been easy or fun... God is good.
Again, thank YOU for all your support over the years... we look forward to introducing her to you in just a few short days!
Love to all!
So, I'm starting to type this on the 8th (Wednesday night) but know I won't post it until after midnight, which will make it October 9th, which means 19 more days until the due date!!! Pretty exciting.
Currently, I'm feeling AWESOME, although that hasn't been the case over the past few months. Sorry for my silence on the blog... we've been super busy. I do appreciate everyone who still checks the blog frequently for updates... even though I've been a slacker in posting.
Jason and I are doing well. Both have been pretty busy with our jobs and our other church and family responsibilities. Jason's been working pretty hard, but starting at the end of next week he'll have LOTS of time off between then and mid-December so that we can have some quality family time once the baby arrives. My work has also kept me busy, but more than anything has been a true answer to prayer. I love my job and it has helped me deal with the loss of our adopted daughter in more ways than I can explain. But just thinking of work puts a big smile on my face! :)
We have had a few "scares" with this little baby... which have not been fun. The first one came in late August when I didn't feel the baby move at all for almost 48 hours! I went in and they hooked me up to the monitors for several hours and were concerned about the baby's heart rate. I was only about 7 months along at that point. Those few days were quite scary for us as we both realized that we could loose this baby too. Thankfully, she is a fighter and after being carefully monitored we were sent home. I feel her move more regularly now, but still not "a lot" by any means. My doctor things that maybe she is just a "calm" baby. Which she clearly gets from her daddy and not from me! ;)
The other scare has come over the past few weeks since I'm not gaining weight. This isn't the first time I've not gained enough weight to make the doctor happy, but over the last three weeks I have not gained 1 pound! I don't know how since my belly is getting bigger... but the doctor said as long as the baby is growing she isn't too concerned. I'm certainly not too worried as my belly is continually getting bigger... I do have to say it made me wonder why. We continue to pray daily for her to survive and thrive in my womb and that God will allow her to come home to us soon.
I just mentioned those two things to catch you all up, but let me say that right now we're feeling confident that we'll bring her home soon. Yes, we still have some scares, but I think more than anything we are just excited to FINALLY bring a baby into this house. It is funny, I'm feeling great and have more energy than ever (last week I happily walked over 3 miles one afternoon just because)! I think that is largely due to the fact that I'm emotionally in a good place for the first time throughout this pregnancy. I tried to ignore the fact I was pregnant for so long because I was sure we would loose her too... but now I'm feeling much more secure that we'll get to bring this one home. My doctor laughs at me and says that it is good to FINALLY see me excited.
Once I made the switch from ignoring to being excited... I felt a little sad that this pregnancy was not a normal first child pregnancy. No one had offered (at that point) to throw us a shower for this baby. While we had showers for the adopted baby... it wasn't the same. With my love language being "gifts" I would always know the gifts bought for the adopted baby verses the gifts no one (again, at that point) had gotten this baby. Also, our shower invitations all had something about the fact we were adopting or the baby's due date being May 31st. How could I put those in her baby book? Would I have anything to add that showed her we prepared and celebrated her arrival?
It took me a while to come to terms with those emotions. I felt bad about feeling that way because I didn't want to appear ungrateful for what had been done for us in the past. I'm very thankful to have celebrated our adopted daughter in that way and she has her own baby book with photos, invitations, and such. I also felt in a way, cheated, from the first baby experience. While this little one due in 19 days will be (God willing) the first child we bring home. In other, very real, ways she is our third child. That has made this pregnancy very bittersweet. I was looking at some of my other friends who are pregnant with their first children - due around the same time we are - and it was night and day. They were quitting their jobs, I went out and got one. They were having showers, I was having none. They were registering, my registry had been open for over a year. Etc. It just didn't "feel" like a first child.
I went back and forth on how to handle this. Finally, I just decided to go on and share how I was feeling with a couple of dear friends. It made me feel better to get out some of my sad feelings because overall I was thrilled for this little one. Once I shared how I was feeling with a few friends I felt wonderful! Pretty much everyone I shared my heart with agreed that I had a right to feel that way. I had one friend thank me for sharing that with them because she didn't think about it from that perspective. She said because our situation is so complex, there are feelings and emotions that someone who has never gone through anything like that wouldn't understand or grasp without being told. I felt that after I shared my true emotions I could really celebrate her birth. I even deleted our old registry and opened a new one just for her. It was fun to get to register again! :)
My sister-in-law got together with my mother-in-law and step mother-in-law to throw us a "family" shower (which we never had for the adopted baby). We just had that this past Saturday and it was AMAZING. It was a lot of fun, but on top of that, it was so special to be surrounded by family who I could tell were really excited to welcome this little one.
Then, on Tuesday of this week (the 7th) some of my girlfriends from church actually threw me a surprise baby shower! Not only was I surprised, but I was overwhelmed. Again, it felt good to be surrounded by people who were wanting to celebrate and honor our third child which will actually be the first child we bring home. It feels good to have had some ways to celebrate this little one specifically.
Well, that has been an overview of the past few months. Nothing new with the sad situation with the adopted baby, but we continue to pray daily for her and I usually dream about her at least once a week or so. Jason and I still very much want to adopt and plan to pursue adoption again. We are not sure what God has in store for our family, but we would love to see at least 2 if not three of our children join our family through the blessing of adoption.
September marked the 1 year anniversary of the day we lost Elijah. That day was a lot harder than either of us thought it would be. We both cried a lot and the memory of everything is still so fresh. I can remember every detail of the day we found out. I seemed to relive it that day much more vividly than I thought I would. I am thankful for the promise of heaven and to know that he's up there now. I just prayed what our senior pastor prayed for us on the day we buried him, that Jesus would play extra hard with him up there until we can join him in heaven.
Through all of this... the years of infertility, the miscarriage, the adoption loss, and now the countdown to baby... we remain so thankful to have such wonderful people (YOU) who have supported us in prayer and love along the way. We do have a complex story and I'm not sure why God has allowed what He has, but I do know that I'm THANKFUL. Because of it we have been able to share the love of Jesus Christ with others, we have grown closer as a married couple, and I know God will continue to use our story to help encourage others who have dealt or are dealing with some or all of the issues we have dealt with. God is incredible. He is so faithful and such an ever present help in times of trouble. He has certainly been good to us - while it hasn't always been easy or fun... God is good.
Again, thank YOU for all your support over the years... we look forward to introducing her to you in just a few short days!
Love to all!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Hi!
So, we haven't updated the blog recently, namely because we haven't had much to add. The pregnancy is going well and our summer is quickly coming to an end. It is so hard to believe that it is already almost August.
Baby "Whosit" (as I like to call her in order not to slip up and say her name)is doing well. I've been working pretty hard to gain more weight as my doctor was a little concerned that I only gained 1 pound between 20 and 24 weeks. My goal is a pound a week and I've been able to gain that so all is good. I have also been hungrier the past week or so than before... so i think she's growing. She's kicking me like crazy, but we make it into a fun game. She'll kick me and I'll poke her back, she'll kick, I'll poke and so it will go until I stop poking. :) Jason has been able to feel her moving all around as she makes pretty dramatic moves that make my stomach look like something from an alien movie. It is nice to feel her moving around and I make a point to read to her daily and Jason and I pray for her daily, for her to continue to survive in the womb and that we would have the chance to hold her soon. We also are praying in advance for her spirit... for her to come to know and love Jesus and her Lord and Savior.
I guess there is a little something to update regarding our adoptive daughter too. I hesitate to share all the details over the blog, but in a nutshell, we've found out over the past several weeks that the birthmother we were match with actually had no intention of giving the baby up for adoption. Instead, she was just abusing the system for money. On top of that, we have also found out that since giving birth she has been arrested for forgery and fraud. This has been a very hard blow for us... we ache for the little girl who we love as much as Baby Whosit. We had hoped to give her a normal and stable life. While we aren't going to be perfect parents - we did want to try our best. Now, it saddens us to have no idea who is taking care of this little girl and what her life will be like growing up.
We have wrestled with what to do... we've come up with a sort of "action plan" in case this girl ends up in foster care and the birthmother looses her rights. However, that takes years to happen. This haunts me... as a mother. I dream about her, think about her, and pray for her all the time. I asked God one morning, "What am I supposed to do with all of these emotions?"
Since I asked that question He has truly just been a comfort to me and teaching me more of Himself. I just keep coming back to the fact that I am to pray for her, this little girl I love as my own, every single day of my life. Pray for her safety, pray for her well being, pray for her to meet Christ in a personal manner, etc. What else can I do? That is how I can continue to be her mother even if I never end of meeting her on this earth. Of course, I selfishly pray that we can still adopt this girl, but if we can't or until we can... I will be praying. I ask for you to pray for her too.
It feels like we have been through so much over the past several years. Dealing with infertility, miscarriage, adoption loss, and now a pregnancy... lots of ups and downs. Lots of "what is God's will for our family?" or "How could God allow for us to go through this after we prayed so hard for it NOT to happen." We've had our share of being positive in dealing with everything and having anger, frustration, etc. But through it all we KNOW KNOW KNOW that God is good. We can't explain why things happen, but we know that God is Sovereign. He's a good God and we trust Him completely with what He wants to do in and through our lives and family. While I wouldn't have written this to be the story of our life... He has and He knows what is best. He has not left us out in the valley to deal with this all by ourselves. He has been our very present help in our times of need. He has held us close to Him daily. We are so grateful for Him for the lessons He has taught us and the love He has shown us.
It is so easy when bad things happen to turn on your faith, to grow bitter towards God, etc. Not that we haven't had those temptations, but overall, that really can't be an option. We need Him so much and His love for us is so evident. I couldn't imagine facing any day without Him. He's so, so good. There are times when i wonder why he allowed all of this... what good has come from any of this? I am not sure the answer, but I do know that God is good. I hope you know that too! As I write this I pray that He makes himself your ever present help no matter if you are in a good or rough season of life. He is so faithful!
Love to all!
So, we haven't updated the blog recently, namely because we haven't had much to add. The pregnancy is going well and our summer is quickly coming to an end. It is so hard to believe that it is already almost August.
Baby "Whosit" (as I like to call her in order not to slip up and say her name)is doing well. I've been working pretty hard to gain more weight as my doctor was a little concerned that I only gained 1 pound between 20 and 24 weeks. My goal is a pound a week and I've been able to gain that so all is good. I have also been hungrier the past week or so than before... so i think she's growing. She's kicking me like crazy, but we make it into a fun game. She'll kick me and I'll poke her back, she'll kick, I'll poke and so it will go until I stop poking. :) Jason has been able to feel her moving all around as she makes pretty dramatic moves that make my stomach look like something from an alien movie. It is nice to feel her moving around and I make a point to read to her daily and Jason and I pray for her daily, for her to continue to survive in the womb and that we would have the chance to hold her soon. We also are praying in advance for her spirit... for her to come to know and love Jesus and her Lord and Savior.
I guess there is a little something to update regarding our adoptive daughter too. I hesitate to share all the details over the blog, but in a nutshell, we've found out over the past several weeks that the birthmother we were match with actually had no intention of giving the baby up for adoption. Instead, she was just abusing the system for money. On top of that, we have also found out that since giving birth she has been arrested for forgery and fraud. This has been a very hard blow for us... we ache for the little girl who we love as much as Baby Whosit. We had hoped to give her a normal and stable life. While we aren't going to be perfect parents - we did want to try our best. Now, it saddens us to have no idea who is taking care of this little girl and what her life will be like growing up.
We have wrestled with what to do... we've come up with a sort of "action plan" in case this girl ends up in foster care and the birthmother looses her rights. However, that takes years to happen. This haunts me... as a mother. I dream about her, think about her, and pray for her all the time. I asked God one morning, "What am I supposed to do with all of these emotions?"
Since I asked that question He has truly just been a comfort to me and teaching me more of Himself. I just keep coming back to the fact that I am to pray for her, this little girl I love as my own, every single day of my life. Pray for her safety, pray for her well being, pray for her to meet Christ in a personal manner, etc. What else can I do? That is how I can continue to be her mother even if I never end of meeting her on this earth. Of course, I selfishly pray that we can still adopt this girl, but if we can't or until we can... I will be praying. I ask for you to pray for her too.
It feels like we have been through so much over the past several years. Dealing with infertility, miscarriage, adoption loss, and now a pregnancy... lots of ups and downs. Lots of "what is God's will for our family?" or "How could God allow for us to go through this after we prayed so hard for it NOT to happen." We've had our share of being positive in dealing with everything and having anger, frustration, etc. But through it all we KNOW KNOW KNOW that God is good. We can't explain why things happen, but we know that God is Sovereign. He's a good God and we trust Him completely with what He wants to do in and through our lives and family. While I wouldn't have written this to be the story of our life... He has and He knows what is best. He has not left us out in the valley to deal with this all by ourselves. He has been our very present help in our times of need. He has held us close to Him daily. We are so grateful for Him for the lessons He has taught us and the love He has shown us.
It is so easy when bad things happen to turn on your faith, to grow bitter towards God, etc. Not that we haven't had those temptations, but overall, that really can't be an option. We need Him so much and His love for us is so evident. I couldn't imagine facing any day without Him. He's so, so good. There are times when i wonder why he allowed all of this... what good has come from any of this? I am not sure the answer, but I do know that God is good. I hope you know that too! As I write this I pray that He makes himself your ever present help no matter if you are in a good or rough season of life. He is so faithful!
Love to all!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
Spiritual Lessons
God is so incredibly faithful. Today as I (Darby) was walking Tucker, the song "I Stand Amazed: How Marvelous" came on the iPod and I couldn't help but sing out loud (there in the park in front of everyone) because it is true... how marvelous is His love for me! I was swept away and had an awesome God moment! God has been teaching and holding us close to Himself during this incredibly difficult time. While we are in the depths of grief... He is giving us strength for each day and to continually praise His name.
I was telling a friend last night that I am not to the place where I am thanking God for this loss... yet. I'm striving to as she reminded me that we are to give thanks in ALL circumstances. I am so thankful for the brothers and sisters in Christ who have used this time to speak the TRUTH of God's Word into our lives. Just today I received a card in the mail with "God's Promises" typed out... verses of truth that now sit on our fridge. Everyday I reminded more and more that I only know one thing in this world for sure -- that God is good!
Anyway, I just wanted to share with you all jut one of the many lessons God is teaching us. It has to do with the story of Abraham and Isaac found in Genesis 22:1-19. On May 21st... the night we knew our baby had been born, but still unsure how things would turn out... I didn't sleep very well. I ended up getting out of bed around 4AM and sat in our closet and opened the Bible and prayed. I thought of the story of Abraham and Isaac and so I read it and immediately begged God to "send a ram" in this situation so that we would not have to loose this daughter. I just kept praying for Him to send the ram. In the morning when Jason awoke, I share my thoughts with him and we prayed together for that ram. Then we got the call that Alicia had decided to parent the baby. We were heartbroken and crushed... I got angry. Why didn't God send the ram? I was sure He would do it. At that time I became angry with life and withdrew from God. I couldn't believe He had allowed this after we prayed for so long (since we started the adoption process) for this NOT to happen! Why did He allow it to get this far in the process? What good was being accomplished in this?
The few days following that day were awful! On Sunday I told Jason I didn't feel like going to church because I didn't want to see everyone (I knew I would ball) and because I wasn't too happy with the Lord. However, Jason said we were going. I'm so thankful he is the spiritual head of our house! And while I did not take part in communion (I didn't feel that I was emotionally in the right place to receive the Lord's Supper) I did listen to the sermon and it was amazing. Jason and I feel that Pastor Gary always does an amazing job preaching the Word and stepping on toes... today it was my toes who were stepped on. The sermon series that we're in right now is entitled, "My Life Stinks" and this message was "My Walk with Christ." Pastor Gary preached on the armor of God, the importance of it, and just the truth that we're in a spiritual war. There are solid Christians - who know Christ personally - who later fall away and somehow come to hate or disown Jesus. How does that happen? They didn't fight Satan and his attacks. If you have the time, and so desire, I would strongly recommend that everyone listen to this particular sermon online. The link is:
http://www.thecreek.org/assets/1097/2008_may_25.mp3
Anyway, during the sermon it occurred to me that I had not gotten mad at Satan for this... only God. That wasn't right. While God allowed it... it was Satan who was using it against me. Satan knows that this is a weakness of mine and that my greatest desire is to be a Godly mommy and that this road in getting there has been hard. He is using this against me and I wasn't even fighting him. I was actually doing everything he wanted. Well, that was going to end right there. Jason and I love Jesus with our whole hearts and desire to serve Him with our lives. We plan on raising our kids to fear the Lord. Of course Satan is going to do whatever he can to break up our marriage and prevent us from raising children in a Godly home. This is just another attack of Satan. Why were my eyes not open to that before? Well, they are now. And of course, what God allows He can use and bring good out of anything... so we're trusting He is going to do that in our lives -- someway, somehow.
After church on Sunday we had several friends (including our Pastor) come and surround us, love on us, and then pray for us. The body of Christ is beautiful. I mentioned to Gary how perfect his sermon was. He said that Satan twists our thinking and sometimes we ask, "Am I being punished for something?" and that was perfect because I had asked Jason that very question on the way to church. Jason's answer was a loving, "No, God doesn't work that way." Gary also told me that was just the lies of Satan.
Sunday afternoon, while still in grieving, I was no longer angry with God. Instead, grateful that He was going through this with us. On Monday our church started a challenge... to read the Bible in 90 days. I had already signed up to do it before we lost our daughter and since Sunday was so helpful for me... I began the journey without the hard heart.
God has been speaking volumes to us through His Word... as He always does. There is so much to learn each time you open the Bible. However, God's been very intentional in teaching us what He wants us to learn in this season of life. On Day 2 we reached the story of Abraham and Isaac. My eyes watered... this is the story of the ram God didn't send us. However, we read it. About 2 days later, as I was in the shower, I was thinking about something Gary mentioned regarding that passage. He asked the question: "do we love the gift more than the giver?" I had heard Gary ask that question before when talking about Abraham and Isaac, but there in my shower in Nashville, TN God spoke to my heart. He reminded me of the words I read -- and how when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, he obeyed. He didn't fight, he didn't ask why... or maybe he did and we don't know about it... all we know is that he obeyed! He didn't know the ram would be provided. He just knew he had to obey God. That made me realize that when I read this story that Wednesday night, I immediately asked God for the ram and didn't say "okay to whatever you allow." I wasn't willing to sacrifice our daughter to God's will. Later in the passage (vs.12) God says he now knows Abraham fears Him because of his willingness to sacrifice Isaac. Can the same be said about me? I want that, but am I there?
Then I thought about what Gary said again... and I made it more personal. I wasn't willing to say "okay" to the loss of my daughter. So do I love the gift of family, children, and the idea of being a mommy more than I do the One who is able to give me that family? Then I was convicted of even worshiping the desire of having children. I have let that desire replace my desire of becoming more Christ-like.
I discussed these things with Jason over breakfast that morning and we came to realize that if God allowed this to happen, then He will bring good out of it (Genesis 50:20, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.)Even if the only good of it is that Jason and I grow closer to Him. That should be our greatest desire in life - to be more like Christ. If this heartbreaking event will allow for that, then we should be okay with that over the desire of being the parents to that beautiful girl.
Does this mean we're okay? No. We are still heartbroken and sad. We still struggle and cry. We still wish we had our daughter in our arms. I don't think there will ever be a time when I'm happy with the fact the adoption failed. However, God is bringing us to a place a greater trust in Him and His Word. So, please continue to pray for us and continue to be patient with our grief. But please know that God is good. We do... even if that is all we know!
Before I close this already long post :) I just want to also thank Jason for being such an incredible husband during this time. Over the past two years that I've known one of his friends from high school, Erin, she continues to say, "I'm so glad you have Jason in your life." I am too! He's the perfect husband and spiritual leader for me. He's amazing and I can't imagine going through this with anyone else and even though we've been through so many heartbreaking and awful things together -- I'm still so very happy with our marriage and my life with him.
I just wanted to brag on My Jesus and My Jason who He has blessed me with! :) Love to all!
I was telling a friend last night that I am not to the place where I am thanking God for this loss... yet. I'm striving to as she reminded me that we are to give thanks in ALL circumstances. I am so thankful for the brothers and sisters in Christ who have used this time to speak the TRUTH of God's Word into our lives. Just today I received a card in the mail with "God's Promises" typed out... verses of truth that now sit on our fridge. Everyday I reminded more and more that I only know one thing in this world for sure -- that God is good!
Anyway, I just wanted to share with you all jut one of the many lessons God is teaching us. It has to do with the story of Abraham and Isaac found in Genesis 22:1-19. On May 21st... the night we knew our baby had been born, but still unsure how things would turn out... I didn't sleep very well. I ended up getting out of bed around 4AM and sat in our closet and opened the Bible and prayed. I thought of the story of Abraham and Isaac and so I read it and immediately begged God to "send a ram" in this situation so that we would not have to loose this daughter. I just kept praying for Him to send the ram. In the morning when Jason awoke, I share my thoughts with him and we prayed together for that ram. Then we got the call that Alicia had decided to parent the baby. We were heartbroken and crushed... I got angry. Why didn't God send the ram? I was sure He would do it. At that time I became angry with life and withdrew from God. I couldn't believe He had allowed this after we prayed for so long (since we started the adoption process) for this NOT to happen! Why did He allow it to get this far in the process? What good was being accomplished in this?
The few days following that day were awful! On Sunday I told Jason I didn't feel like going to church because I didn't want to see everyone (I knew I would ball) and because I wasn't too happy with the Lord. However, Jason said we were going. I'm so thankful he is the spiritual head of our house! And while I did not take part in communion (I didn't feel that I was emotionally in the right place to receive the Lord's Supper) I did listen to the sermon and it was amazing. Jason and I feel that Pastor Gary always does an amazing job preaching the Word and stepping on toes... today it was my toes who were stepped on. The sermon series that we're in right now is entitled, "My Life Stinks" and this message was "My Walk with Christ." Pastor Gary preached on the armor of God, the importance of it, and just the truth that we're in a spiritual war. There are solid Christians - who know Christ personally - who later fall away and somehow come to hate or disown Jesus. How does that happen? They didn't fight Satan and his attacks. If you have the time, and so desire, I would strongly recommend that everyone listen to this particular sermon online. The link is:
http://www.thecreek.org/assets/1097/2008_may_25.mp3
Anyway, during the sermon it occurred to me that I had not gotten mad at Satan for this... only God. That wasn't right. While God allowed it... it was Satan who was using it against me. Satan knows that this is a weakness of mine and that my greatest desire is to be a Godly mommy and that this road in getting there has been hard. He is using this against me and I wasn't even fighting him. I was actually doing everything he wanted. Well, that was going to end right there. Jason and I love Jesus with our whole hearts and desire to serve Him with our lives. We plan on raising our kids to fear the Lord. Of course Satan is going to do whatever he can to break up our marriage and prevent us from raising children in a Godly home. This is just another attack of Satan. Why were my eyes not open to that before? Well, they are now. And of course, what God allows He can use and bring good out of anything... so we're trusting He is going to do that in our lives -- someway, somehow.
After church on Sunday we had several friends (including our Pastor) come and surround us, love on us, and then pray for us. The body of Christ is beautiful. I mentioned to Gary how perfect his sermon was. He said that Satan twists our thinking and sometimes we ask, "Am I being punished for something?" and that was perfect because I had asked Jason that very question on the way to church. Jason's answer was a loving, "No, God doesn't work that way." Gary also told me that was just the lies of Satan.
Sunday afternoon, while still in grieving, I was no longer angry with God. Instead, grateful that He was going through this with us. On Monday our church started a challenge... to read the Bible in 90 days. I had already signed up to do it before we lost our daughter and since Sunday was so helpful for me... I began the journey without the hard heart.
God has been speaking volumes to us through His Word... as He always does. There is so much to learn each time you open the Bible. However, God's been very intentional in teaching us what He wants us to learn in this season of life. On Day 2 we reached the story of Abraham and Isaac. My eyes watered... this is the story of the ram God didn't send us. However, we read it. About 2 days later, as I was in the shower, I was thinking about something Gary mentioned regarding that passage. He asked the question: "do we love the gift more than the giver?" I had heard Gary ask that question before when talking about Abraham and Isaac, but there in my shower in Nashville, TN God spoke to my heart. He reminded me of the words I read -- and how when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, he obeyed. He didn't fight, he didn't ask why... or maybe he did and we don't know about it... all we know is that he obeyed! He didn't know the ram would be provided. He just knew he had to obey God. That made me realize that when I read this story that Wednesday night, I immediately asked God for the ram and didn't say "okay to whatever you allow." I wasn't willing to sacrifice our daughter to God's will. Later in the passage (vs.12) God says he now knows Abraham fears Him because of his willingness to sacrifice Isaac. Can the same be said about me? I want that, but am I there?
Then I thought about what Gary said again... and I made it more personal. I wasn't willing to say "okay" to the loss of my daughter. So do I love the gift of family, children, and the idea of being a mommy more than I do the One who is able to give me that family? Then I was convicted of even worshiping the desire of having children. I have let that desire replace my desire of becoming more Christ-like.
I discussed these things with Jason over breakfast that morning and we came to realize that if God allowed this to happen, then He will bring good out of it (Genesis 50:20, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.)Even if the only good of it is that Jason and I grow closer to Him. That should be our greatest desire in life - to be more like Christ. If this heartbreaking event will allow for that, then we should be okay with that over the desire of being the parents to that beautiful girl.
Does this mean we're okay? No. We are still heartbroken and sad. We still struggle and cry. We still wish we had our daughter in our arms. I don't think there will ever be a time when I'm happy with the fact the adoption failed. However, God is bringing us to a place a greater trust in Him and His Word. So, please continue to pray for us and continue to be patient with our grief. But please know that God is good. We do... even if that is all we know!
Before I close this already long post :) I just want to also thank Jason for being such an incredible husband during this time. Over the past two years that I've known one of his friends from high school, Erin, she continues to say, "I'm so glad you have Jason in your life." I am too! He's the perfect husband and spiritual leader for me. He's amazing and I can't imagine going through this with anyone else and even though we've been through so many heartbreaking and awful things together -- I'm still so very happy with our marriage and my life with him.
I just wanted to brag on My Jesus and My Jason who He has blessed me with! :) Love to all!
Friday, May 30, 2008
More Details
Hi Everyone,
Just wanted to update the blog with a few more details of what happened.
On May 20th... Alicia went into labor and did not call the adoption agency as planned. On the 21st... the agency found out that she had given birth through the birthfather's family and so the social worker went to go visit her. Kelly, the social worker, called us Wednesday night as she was leaving the hospital. We didn't know anything so we assumed the call was to say that Alicia had gone into labor. We were walking Tucker so we headed back to the car with anticipation. The phone call did not go as expected as Kelly told us our daughter had already been born, that Alicia had wavered on her decision to place the baby up for adoption, but that as of that evening she was still planning on signing the papers. She had decided that seeing us with the baby would be too hard so asked us not to come until she had been released from the hospital. Then, we could come and take the baby home. She had not named the baby, was not breastfeeding the baby, and even still referring to it as "ours." Kelly said all of those were good signs. The plan was for Kelly to head out there in the morning with the papers and a car seat so whichever decision she made Bethany would support it.
We were caught off guard by this news, but we made the decision to stay positive. We were disappointed that we missed our daughter's birth, but more than anything else, we just wanted to bring her home. We spent Wednesday night putting the finishing touches on our home to prepare ourselves for our daughter's arrival. Then spent a long time in prayer for our daughter, Alicia, and ourselves. We went to bed excepting to pick up our daughter at 2pm from the hospital.
Thursday morning Kelly called early in the morning to tell us that things "weren't looking good" -- what did that mean? She said that Alicia was not taking her phone calls and that usually meant the birthmother had changed her mind about the adoption. That was it. We hung up and couldn't believe what we heard. We prayed and prayed that the outcome out change. We waiting and waited by the phone. Nothing. Finally, around 3pm -- after the time we were to pick up our daughter... we called Kelly back asking if she had heard anything else. She said, "yes, Alicia left the hospital with the baby." At that point it was final that the adoption wasn't going to happen. Gut wrenching doesn't even describe what we felt. We were in the depths of grief. We had lost our daughter.
As we started sharing the news... we were struck by how unsympathetic some people seemed. Of course not everyone... but there were more people who didn't seemed phased by our loss. We had a lot of friends who meant well when they said, "but you're pregnant" "guess it wasn't meant to be" -- and while those comments hurt (because our biological baby in NO WAY replaces the daughter we just lost) we know they were said by people who were trying to find that silver lining. But there have been others who have simply disregarded that we're even grieving... expecting us just to be okay that it didn't work out because this was an adoption and not a biological child. That has been crushing. We can't express how more more real and painful this loss has been than when we lost Elijah. One of our best friends, Janet, said it perfectly when she said,
"i just can't imagine
how you guys are feeling. to say that the loss of
this little girl is not as "significant" as a
biological child is of course absolutely insane, so i
pray that those words will not penetrate your heart.
your anticipation of her arrival was intentional, with
so much heart and emotion poured in--no less then that
of waiting for a biological child...we watched friends
of ours adopt their son 8 months ago, and there was no
question that their joy and love was any less then if
he had been their biological child. so the reverse is
true--the pain felt at the loss of the child is the
same."
Her words were so perfect in describing how we feel and how real this loss it. Just wanted to share it with you all! We'll post again soon with how we're doing.
Just wanted to update the blog with a few more details of what happened.
On May 20th... Alicia went into labor and did not call the adoption agency as planned. On the 21st... the agency found out that she had given birth through the birthfather's family and so the social worker went to go visit her. Kelly, the social worker, called us Wednesday night as she was leaving the hospital. We didn't know anything so we assumed the call was to say that Alicia had gone into labor. We were walking Tucker so we headed back to the car with anticipation. The phone call did not go as expected as Kelly told us our daughter had already been born, that Alicia had wavered on her decision to place the baby up for adoption, but that as of that evening she was still planning on signing the papers. She had decided that seeing us with the baby would be too hard so asked us not to come until she had been released from the hospital. Then, we could come and take the baby home. She had not named the baby, was not breastfeeding the baby, and even still referring to it as "ours." Kelly said all of those were good signs. The plan was for Kelly to head out there in the morning with the papers and a car seat so whichever decision she made Bethany would support it.
We were caught off guard by this news, but we made the decision to stay positive. We were disappointed that we missed our daughter's birth, but more than anything else, we just wanted to bring her home. We spent Wednesday night putting the finishing touches on our home to prepare ourselves for our daughter's arrival. Then spent a long time in prayer for our daughter, Alicia, and ourselves. We went to bed excepting to pick up our daughter at 2pm from the hospital.
Thursday morning Kelly called early in the morning to tell us that things "weren't looking good" -- what did that mean? She said that Alicia was not taking her phone calls and that usually meant the birthmother had changed her mind about the adoption. That was it. We hung up and couldn't believe what we heard. We prayed and prayed that the outcome out change. We waiting and waited by the phone. Nothing. Finally, around 3pm -- after the time we were to pick up our daughter... we called Kelly back asking if she had heard anything else. She said, "yes, Alicia left the hospital with the baby." At that point it was final that the adoption wasn't going to happen. Gut wrenching doesn't even describe what we felt. We were in the depths of grief. We had lost our daughter.
As we started sharing the news... we were struck by how unsympathetic some people seemed. Of course not everyone... but there were more people who didn't seemed phased by our loss. We had a lot of friends who meant well when they said, "but you're pregnant" "guess it wasn't meant to be" -- and while those comments hurt (because our biological baby in NO WAY replaces the daughter we just lost) we know they were said by people who were trying to find that silver lining. But there have been others who have simply disregarded that we're even grieving... expecting us just to be okay that it didn't work out because this was an adoption and not a biological child. That has been crushing. We can't express how more more real and painful this loss has been than when we lost Elijah. One of our best friends, Janet, said it perfectly when she said,
"i just can't imagine
how you guys are feeling. to say that the loss of
this little girl is not as "significant" as a
biological child is of course absolutely insane, so i
pray that those words will not penetrate your heart.
your anticipation of her arrival was intentional, with
so much heart and emotion poured in--no less then that
of waiting for a biological child...we watched friends
of ours adopt their son 8 months ago, and there was no
question that their joy and love was any less then if
he had been their biological child. so the reverse is
true--the pain felt at the loss of the child is the
same."
Her words were so perfect in describing how we feel and how real this loss it. Just wanted to share it with you all! We'll post again soon with how we're doing.
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