So, the title of this blog post pretty much sums everything up. In fact, I'm lying here in bed (trying not to fall asleep until I feed her one last time at 12:30am) and Jason is lying next to me and just said, "I can't believe Havana will be 5 weeks on Tuesday." -- he had no idea what I was typing at the time.
It is crazy how quickly the time has gone by. It feels like just yesterday she was born. She has already gotten so big in just her few short weeks of life. We had a doctors appointment on Wednesday and she now weighs 10 pounds 3 ounces! Wow! She is also 22 inches long. She is pretty much perfect. ;)
Life as parents is wonderful and the only thing that would make it better is a little more sleep at night. :) But I truly love waking up in the middle of night because it is such a special time that only lasts a little while. We feel so incredibly blessed to have such amazing friends. I still have not had to cook a meal because of all the meals that have been provided for us. Truly, that has been SUCH a HUGE help. I did fix Thanksgiving dinner, but that was by choice. :) All of our meals are also being provided for us for this upcoming week as well. I'm truly getting spoiled.
I've also been spoiled by how much time Jason has had at home. He had 2 weeks off when she was born and since then he's only been working part time. He doesn't got back to full time ER shifts until December 15. He's such an incredibly daddy. I always knew he would be, but it makes my heart smile so much to see him play with Havana. He has such a cute voice that he uses to talk to her and he loves reading and singing to her in Spanish. He also has WANTED to get up with me for the middle of the night feedings!! When she wakes us up, he will get up first and get her out of her crib and change her diaper. That usually gives me about 5-10 extra minutes of sleep and then I'll go in there and feed her. He does this everytime she wakes up! We are starting to give her a bottle (of pumped breastmilk) once a day so that he can be involved in her feedings. There have been a few nights that he has given her his once a day bottle in the middle of the night allowing me a longer stretch of sleep! Woo Hoo! He continues to be an amazing husband and is now also an amazing dad. I love watching their interactions daily. Havana certainly loves her daddy, I can tell! :)
Jason and I got each other "birthing" gifts. He got me a necklace that is an opal (Havana's birthstone) and I got him a book entitled "You Have What it Takes" by John Eldridge (he wrote "Wild at Heart" and along with his wife wrote "Captivating"). The book is for dads and it really describes what sons and daughters specifically need from their daddies. The dads have a significant role in their lives - one in which the mother cannot play. Jason has already read the book and I see him applying principals of what the book says girls need from their daddy to Havana. It is funny, we both always thought we would be the parents to all boys. But I have seen how having Havana really brings out qualities in Jason that make me realize that God created him to be a dad to at least one daughter - if not more. :)
I certainly feel so blessed that God chose me to be her mama. I love her little personality and look forward to getting to know her more and more everyday. She has such a good temperament. I think, at least right now, she has more of Jason's personality with a real even tempered nature about herself. However, I have seen moments where I think she is being a little "over-dramatic" -- wonder where she gets that from?! ha. She brings a smile to my face continually and makes me laugh several times a day.
Jason and I have worked very hard to form a balance in her life of love and nurture as well as structure. We really feel strongly that we want Havana to know how much she is loved, but also teach her (yes, even at this young age) that she is not the center of the universe or of this family (our marriage relationship comes before the children). She is such a beloved and welcomed member of this household, but she doesn't make it go round. This has been hard emotionally to implement because I do want to give her everything she wants and I hate hearing her cry. However, we truly believe that giving her everything she wants the minute she demands it will not be an attitude we want to foster. I'm so thankful that Jason and I stand united in parenting.
So what do our days look like? Well, Havana usually wakes up somewhere between 6 and 8am to be fed just depending on how her night has gone. I'll feed her at that time and then as long as we don't have to get up for something (such as church) she'll go right back down for another 3 hours. So anywhere between 9-11 she'll either awake or I'll wake her to feed and then we start our day. I make her have "awake time" after she eats and so during our "awake times" (which are usually about an hour in length) we dance, read, play with her play mats, or she just snuggles with me while I talk to her. After about an hour of playtime... it is nap time for an hour and half. She doesn't always like napping in her crib, but I make her take at least one nap a day in there. For the other naps throughout the day, she can be in her swing, pack-n-play, and for one nap she can be on me. If she doesn't wake up when it is time for her to eat I go and wake her and we feed and start the cycle all over again. Of course, not everyday is perfect... she'll refuse to nap or be super hungry on some days... but that is our goal for everyday. I enjoy that because it helps me know what my days are going to look like and it helps me plan her day. I feel that as the mom - I should direct her in how the day is going and not have it be her telling me.
I love my little girl so much! She is a blessing and a treasure. She truly adds so much to our lives everyday. Jason and I have "family prayer time" with her everynight before we put her in her crib at night and we have prayed daily for her. We were just talking today about how cool it will be to one day in heaven see what blessings come her way and what things she is spared because of our daily prayers. We've already seen God protect her from illnesses as Jason was VERY sick and while Havana did catch a little cold from him - it never progressed or became very bad and I know that is because God was protecting her from the fever and infection. We also pray that she falls in love with Jesus Christ and serves Him with her life. I quoted a Ginny Owens song in my prayer for her tonight praying that she wouldn't be a flame for Jesus, but a raging fire!!! I can't wait to see her fall in love with her Lord.
I could write for hours about my love for her, my love for my husband, my love for being a mommy, my love for Jesus, etc. But, I have to end this post sometime. :) Now that my days are becoming more routine I hope to update a little more often with how she is doing. Thank you for all your support, prayers, and encouragement. We love you and are grateful for your friendship.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Havana Corynne Dugger
Hey Everyone,
Hopefully, most everybody knows that Havana Corynne Dugger was born on Tuesday, October 28th at 3:59pm. She weighted 8 pounds 12 ounces and was 21 1/4 inches long! We are certainly praising the Lord for her wonderful birth!!!
We checked in Monday night and they started the gel in me around 9pm. I had to lie flat for an hour, but after that I was able to eat a meal and we watched a movie. Around 1am they gave me my second dose of the gel and then Jason and I both went to sleep. Around 5am they started me on pitocin and my doctor came in to check me around 8:30 or so. I was only 2 cm dilated and so she went on and broke my water as soon as she broke my water... I turned over and received my epidural. I then took a nap. When I woke up it was the afternoon and I was progressing quickly. Jason said he thought she would be born at 6:22pm and I said 4:11pm. Around 3pm they checked me again and I was at 10 cm and so they said it was time to start pushing. I really only had to push for 37 minutes and she came out!!! I've heard that is pretty fast. I really have nothing to complain about... I didn't feel any pain at all and I didn't even tear at all. Jason laughed and said that I was just built to be a mommy because I made pregnancy and labor look really easy. I can honestly say I enjoyed every minute of it. It all happened so fast... I'll never forget Jason's loving words and his voice as he spoke to me... encouraging me and telling me what a great job I was doing. I'll never forget the nurses telling me to push and that my baby was coming. I'll never forget looking into the mirror and seeing her come out and it was over so quickly. They immediately laid her on my stomach and chest and I was able to hold her while Jason cut the cord. I remember thinking that she was the most beautiful and perfect thing I had ever seen... I also remember thinking that she looked like Jason. Jason said my face looked like it does at Christmas when I see all my presents under the tree. :) Guess I was looking at the best present ever! We were both SHOCKED with how BIG she was!!! We were not expecting a baby that size and I remember before she was completely out Jason saying, "that is not a 6 pound baby."
They quickly got her cleaned up and then she was back in our arms. What a magical moment. Both Jason and I shed some tears, exchanged some kisses, and prayed over and over again... thanking the Lord for this beautiful and perfect gift! It was truly a miracle.
The rest of our time in the hospital was great, but went by so quickly. We had fun cuddling Havana and showing her off to everyone who came to see us! We felt so blessed by all the calls, e-mails, and visits!!! What a special time to delight in our gift.
We were able to come home Thursday night and it is very nice to be home (although we miss all the nurses who quickly fell in love Havana too!) While it has been an adjustment for all of us... we love our family. Just this (Saturday) morning we both just cried tears of happiness as we held little Havana. She is so perfect and beautiful and we have waited SOOOOO LONG to bring a baby home. Our little girl is home and has already added so much to our lives. I can't even put into words what our home has been like the past few days... filled with the Lord's presence and His love. What a blessing He gave us in her. I feel so lucky to be her mommy.
I just wanted to share the birthing story quickly and let everyone know how much we appreciate their prayers and support during this time. Havana's life will be more enriched because of your role in it. I wish I had more time to type all of my emotions, but Havana is stirring from her nap so I better wrap this up.
We gave her the name Havana because of how special Havana, Cuba is to Jason and I. We have been there together 5 times on mission trips and have fallen in love with our brothers and sisters in Christ down there. We have such a heart for that place. It was also in Havana, Cuba in July of 2002 when Jason first held my had. The two of us would meet early and sit on the beach watching the sunrise... holding hands... praying... laughing... I guess that is really when we switched from being friends to dating. So clearly, it is special for that reason too. :)
Hopefully, most everybody knows that Havana Corynne Dugger was born on Tuesday, October 28th at 3:59pm. She weighted 8 pounds 12 ounces and was 21 1/4 inches long! We are certainly praising the Lord for her wonderful birth!!!
We checked in Monday night and they started the gel in me around 9pm. I had to lie flat for an hour, but after that I was able to eat a meal and we watched a movie. Around 1am they gave me my second dose of the gel and then Jason and I both went to sleep. Around 5am they started me on pitocin and my doctor came in to check me around 8:30 or so. I was only 2 cm dilated and so she went on and broke my water as soon as she broke my water... I turned over and received my epidural. I then took a nap. When I woke up it was the afternoon and I was progressing quickly. Jason said he thought she would be born at 6:22pm and I said 4:11pm. Around 3pm they checked me again and I was at 10 cm and so they said it was time to start pushing. I really only had to push for 37 minutes and she came out!!! I've heard that is pretty fast. I really have nothing to complain about... I didn't feel any pain at all and I didn't even tear at all. Jason laughed and said that I was just built to be a mommy because I made pregnancy and labor look really easy. I can honestly say I enjoyed every minute of it. It all happened so fast... I'll never forget Jason's loving words and his voice as he spoke to me... encouraging me and telling me what a great job I was doing. I'll never forget the nurses telling me to push and that my baby was coming. I'll never forget looking into the mirror and seeing her come out and it was over so quickly. They immediately laid her on my stomach and chest and I was able to hold her while Jason cut the cord. I remember thinking that she was the most beautiful and perfect thing I had ever seen... I also remember thinking that she looked like Jason. Jason said my face looked like it does at Christmas when I see all my presents under the tree. :) Guess I was looking at the best present ever! We were both SHOCKED with how BIG she was!!! We were not expecting a baby that size and I remember before she was completely out Jason saying, "that is not a 6 pound baby."
They quickly got her cleaned up and then she was back in our arms. What a magical moment. Both Jason and I shed some tears, exchanged some kisses, and prayed over and over again... thanking the Lord for this beautiful and perfect gift! It was truly a miracle.
The rest of our time in the hospital was great, but went by so quickly. We had fun cuddling Havana and showing her off to everyone who came to see us! We felt so blessed by all the calls, e-mails, and visits!!! What a special time to delight in our gift.
We were able to come home Thursday night and it is very nice to be home (although we miss all the nurses who quickly fell in love Havana too!) While it has been an adjustment for all of us... we love our family. Just this (Saturday) morning we both just cried tears of happiness as we held little Havana. She is so perfect and beautiful and we have waited SOOOOO LONG to bring a baby home. Our little girl is home and has already added so much to our lives. I can't even put into words what our home has been like the past few days... filled with the Lord's presence and His love. What a blessing He gave us in her. I feel so lucky to be her mommy.
I just wanted to share the birthing story quickly and let everyone know how much we appreciate their prayers and support during this time. Havana's life will be more enriched because of your role in it. I wish I had more time to type all of my emotions, but Havana is stirring from her nap so I better wrap this up.
We gave her the name Havana because of how special Havana, Cuba is to Jason and I. We have been there together 5 times on mission trips and have fallen in love with our brothers and sisters in Christ down there. We have such a heart for that place. It was also in Havana, Cuba in July of 2002 when Jason first held my had. The two of us would meet early and sit on the beach watching the sunrise... holding hands... praying... laughing... I guess that is really when we switched from being friends to dating. So clearly, it is special for that reason too. :)
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Baby Update...
Hey Everyone!
No baby yet... but we're close... so I wanted to let you know the details. Our doctor has offered to induce us on our due date (the 28th). We went back and forth with this decision trying to figure out if we should let her come naturally or go the way of induction. We waited to tell our family until we "officially" decided, but we have come to the conclusion that we will go forward with the induction. There are several reasons for this (our doctor would be guaranteed to deliver our baby, Jason would have plenty of time off of work, etc.) It really seems to be the best decision for our family and the more we prayed about the more peace we have about it.
We check into the hospital on Monday the 27th (tomorrow!) at 7pm. We will get settled in our room and have some time to relax there. We're even planning on bringing some board games as well as our lap top so we'll not only have wireless, but also the ability to watch movies. After midnight they will start the induction process. They will start by giving me some sort of gel every 4 hours through the night and in the morning they will access to see if I actually need the induction drug or if the gel was enough to send me into labor. How Tuesday will go is still kind of unknown to Jason and I. We are praying for an easy delivery for the baby, for our doctor to have discernment in her decisions with us, and for patient hearts for Jason and myself. We both would like to think that by Tuesday evening she will be born, but we know there is a chance she might not make her arrival until sometime on Wednesday. There is a good chance that it could be a LONG process...
Jason and I have tried to spend today "being still and knowing that He is God." After church this morning we came home and just really spent some time in focused prayer. It has really been a relaxing and refreshing day... especially since the past several days we've been very busy. That is why Jason suggested that spend today not getting caught up in the little details, but to just sit, focus, pray, and experience God. I'm so glad he is the spiritual head of our house.
Tonight we were able to have a date! We went to dinner at one of our favorite steak houses... which was very nice. The food is always wonderful and it was fun to have a special date. We were able to talk about our greatest fears and joys about parenthood, our thoughts on the job interviews Jason has been on lately, and just enjoying each other's company and laughing about old memories. It was sweet time for just the two of us... since we'll become a trio here in just a few hours. :)
Things are certainly surreal... it is hard to wrap my mind around everything that is happening and that has happened in the past. We have been waiting and praying for this for such a long time. We are almost on year three on trying to bring a baby into our home. This journey has been LONG and HARD. To think of all that we went through for the 2 years of infertility and then what has happened in just this past calendar year with loosing two children. My heart still breaks for the children I am not able to parent - although they will always be in my heart. Yeah, it has been rough to say the least. Bringing this baby home will certainly be an incredible joy, an answer to prayer, a testament of God's faithfulness, but in NO WAY a magic eraser to make us forget all the heartache we have gone through to get to this point.
One of my favorite books in the Bible is Isaiah. Isaiah 6 starts off by stating, "In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple." In the time in which this was written, when a king died it was a BIG DEAL. A national tragedy. But notice how it was in that time... that time of chaos and crisis... that Isaiah "saw the Lord." Perhaps he wouldn't have seen the Lord if King Uzziah had not died? When I think about that... I think about how through all of this I can say, "I have seen the Lord." I have seen Him through this time of chaos and personal crisis for us... although I don't like the lens I have had to view Him with. Yet, I can say, I have seen Him, experienced Him, and have fallen more deeply in love with Him than I ever would have without this pain. Jason and I have grown as individuals and as a couple closer to each other and the Living God through these past three years. We have learned more about each other and Him than we would have if we have had an easier journey.
You will never hear me say that I'm thankful that we had a miscarriage or a failed adoption. But you will hear me say that I'm thankful that God cares and loves us through our trials. That He uses the trials the world sends our ways to lead us closer to Him. There is a line from a Sara Groves song that I love that states, "There has never been a trial or a pain that He did not recycle to bring me gain." --I'm thankful to serve a God like that!
Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers over the next few days. We'll be updating soon. :)
No baby yet... but we're close... so I wanted to let you know the details. Our doctor has offered to induce us on our due date (the 28th). We went back and forth with this decision trying to figure out if we should let her come naturally or go the way of induction. We waited to tell our family until we "officially" decided, but we have come to the conclusion that we will go forward with the induction. There are several reasons for this (our doctor would be guaranteed to deliver our baby, Jason would have plenty of time off of work, etc.) It really seems to be the best decision for our family and the more we prayed about the more peace we have about it.
We check into the hospital on Monday the 27th (tomorrow!) at 7pm. We will get settled in our room and have some time to relax there. We're even planning on bringing some board games as well as our lap top so we'll not only have wireless, but also the ability to watch movies. After midnight they will start the induction process. They will start by giving me some sort of gel every 4 hours through the night and in the morning they will access to see if I actually need the induction drug or if the gel was enough to send me into labor. How Tuesday will go is still kind of unknown to Jason and I. We are praying for an easy delivery for the baby, for our doctor to have discernment in her decisions with us, and for patient hearts for Jason and myself. We both would like to think that by Tuesday evening she will be born, but we know there is a chance she might not make her arrival until sometime on Wednesday. There is a good chance that it could be a LONG process...
Jason and I have tried to spend today "being still and knowing that He is God." After church this morning we came home and just really spent some time in focused prayer. It has really been a relaxing and refreshing day... especially since the past several days we've been very busy. That is why Jason suggested that spend today not getting caught up in the little details, but to just sit, focus, pray, and experience God. I'm so glad he is the spiritual head of our house.
Tonight we were able to have a date! We went to dinner at one of our favorite steak houses... which was very nice. The food is always wonderful and it was fun to have a special date. We were able to talk about our greatest fears and joys about parenthood, our thoughts on the job interviews Jason has been on lately, and just enjoying each other's company and laughing about old memories. It was sweet time for just the two of us... since we'll become a trio here in just a few hours. :)
Things are certainly surreal... it is hard to wrap my mind around everything that is happening and that has happened in the past. We have been waiting and praying for this for such a long time. We are almost on year three on trying to bring a baby into our home. This journey has been LONG and HARD. To think of all that we went through for the 2 years of infertility and then what has happened in just this past calendar year with loosing two children. My heart still breaks for the children I am not able to parent - although they will always be in my heart. Yeah, it has been rough to say the least. Bringing this baby home will certainly be an incredible joy, an answer to prayer, a testament of God's faithfulness, but in NO WAY a magic eraser to make us forget all the heartache we have gone through to get to this point.
One of my favorite books in the Bible is Isaiah. Isaiah 6 starts off by stating, "In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple." In the time in which this was written, when a king died it was a BIG DEAL. A national tragedy. But notice how it was in that time... that time of chaos and crisis... that Isaiah "saw the Lord." Perhaps he wouldn't have seen the Lord if King Uzziah had not died? When I think about that... I think about how through all of this I can say, "I have seen the Lord." I have seen Him through this time of chaos and personal crisis for us... although I don't like the lens I have had to view Him with. Yet, I can say, I have seen Him, experienced Him, and have fallen more deeply in love with Him than I ever would have without this pain. Jason and I have grown as individuals and as a couple closer to each other and the Living God through these past three years. We have learned more about each other and Him than we would have if we have had an easier journey.
You will never hear me say that I'm thankful that we had a miscarriage or a failed adoption. But you will hear me say that I'm thankful that God cares and loves us through our trials. That He uses the trials the world sends our ways to lead us closer to Him. There is a line from a Sara Groves song that I love that states, "There has never been a trial or a pain that He did not recycle to bring me gain." --I'm thankful to serve a God like that!
Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers over the next few days. We'll be updating soon. :)
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Family Baby Shower Photos
Here are some highlights from the family baby shower last weekend. To see all the photos go to: http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2131865&l=879f9&id=38303971
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
The Countdown is on... and a recap! :)
Hey Everyone,
So, I'm starting to type this on the 8th (Wednesday night) but know I won't post it until after midnight, which will make it October 9th, which means 19 more days until the due date!!! Pretty exciting.
Currently, I'm feeling AWESOME, although that hasn't been the case over the past few months. Sorry for my silence on the blog... we've been super busy. I do appreciate everyone who still checks the blog frequently for updates... even though I've been a slacker in posting.
Jason and I are doing well. Both have been pretty busy with our jobs and our other church and family responsibilities. Jason's been working pretty hard, but starting at the end of next week he'll have LOTS of time off between then and mid-December so that we can have some quality family time once the baby arrives. My work has also kept me busy, but more than anything has been a true answer to prayer. I love my job and it has helped me deal with the loss of our adopted daughter in more ways than I can explain. But just thinking of work puts a big smile on my face! :)
We have had a few "scares" with this little baby... which have not been fun. The first one came in late August when I didn't feel the baby move at all for almost 48 hours! I went in and they hooked me up to the monitors for several hours and were concerned about the baby's heart rate. I was only about 7 months along at that point. Those few days were quite scary for us as we both realized that we could loose this baby too. Thankfully, she is a fighter and after being carefully monitored we were sent home. I feel her move more regularly now, but still not "a lot" by any means. My doctor things that maybe she is just a "calm" baby. Which she clearly gets from her daddy and not from me! ;)
The other scare has come over the past few weeks since I'm not gaining weight. This isn't the first time I've not gained enough weight to make the doctor happy, but over the last three weeks I have not gained 1 pound! I don't know how since my belly is getting bigger... but the doctor said as long as the baby is growing she isn't too concerned. I'm certainly not too worried as my belly is continually getting bigger... I do have to say it made me wonder why. We continue to pray daily for her to survive and thrive in my womb and that God will allow her to come home to us soon.
I just mentioned those two things to catch you all up, but let me say that right now we're feeling confident that we'll bring her home soon. Yes, we still have some scares, but I think more than anything we are just excited to FINALLY bring a baby into this house. It is funny, I'm feeling great and have more energy than ever (last week I happily walked over 3 miles one afternoon just because)! I think that is largely due to the fact that I'm emotionally in a good place for the first time throughout this pregnancy. I tried to ignore the fact I was pregnant for so long because I was sure we would loose her too... but now I'm feeling much more secure that we'll get to bring this one home. My doctor laughs at me and says that it is good to FINALLY see me excited.
Once I made the switch from ignoring to being excited... I felt a little sad that this pregnancy was not a normal first child pregnancy. No one had offered (at that point) to throw us a shower for this baby. While we had showers for the adopted baby... it wasn't the same. With my love language being "gifts" I would always know the gifts bought for the adopted baby verses the gifts no one (again, at that point) had gotten this baby. Also, our shower invitations all had something about the fact we were adopting or the baby's due date being May 31st. How could I put those in her baby book? Would I have anything to add that showed her we prepared and celebrated her arrival?
It took me a while to come to terms with those emotions. I felt bad about feeling that way because I didn't want to appear ungrateful for what had been done for us in the past. I'm very thankful to have celebrated our adopted daughter in that way and she has her own baby book with photos, invitations, and such. I also felt in a way, cheated, from the first baby experience. While this little one due in 19 days will be (God willing) the first child we bring home. In other, very real, ways she is our third child. That has made this pregnancy very bittersweet. I was looking at some of my other friends who are pregnant with their first children - due around the same time we are - and it was night and day. They were quitting their jobs, I went out and got one. They were having showers, I was having none. They were registering, my registry had been open for over a year. Etc. It just didn't "feel" like a first child.
I went back and forth on how to handle this. Finally, I just decided to go on and share how I was feeling with a couple of dear friends. It made me feel better to get out some of my sad feelings because overall I was thrilled for this little one. Once I shared how I was feeling with a few friends I felt wonderful! Pretty much everyone I shared my heart with agreed that I had a right to feel that way. I had one friend thank me for sharing that with them because she didn't think about it from that perspective. She said because our situation is so complex, there are feelings and emotions that someone who has never gone through anything like that wouldn't understand or grasp without being told. I felt that after I shared my true emotions I could really celebrate her birth. I even deleted our old registry and opened a new one just for her. It was fun to get to register again! :)
My sister-in-law got together with my mother-in-law and step mother-in-law to throw us a "family" shower (which we never had for the adopted baby). We just had that this past Saturday and it was AMAZING. It was a lot of fun, but on top of that, it was so special to be surrounded by family who I could tell were really excited to welcome this little one.
Then, on Tuesday of this week (the 7th) some of my girlfriends from church actually threw me a surprise baby shower! Not only was I surprised, but I was overwhelmed. Again, it felt good to be surrounded by people who were wanting to celebrate and honor our third child which will actually be the first child we bring home. It feels good to have had some ways to celebrate this little one specifically.
Well, that has been an overview of the past few months. Nothing new with the sad situation with the adopted baby, but we continue to pray daily for her and I usually dream about her at least once a week or so. Jason and I still very much want to adopt and plan to pursue adoption again. We are not sure what God has in store for our family, but we would love to see at least 2 if not three of our children join our family through the blessing of adoption.
September marked the 1 year anniversary of the day we lost Elijah. That day was a lot harder than either of us thought it would be. We both cried a lot and the memory of everything is still so fresh. I can remember every detail of the day we found out. I seemed to relive it that day much more vividly than I thought I would. I am thankful for the promise of heaven and to know that he's up there now. I just prayed what our senior pastor prayed for us on the day we buried him, that Jesus would play extra hard with him up there until we can join him in heaven.
Through all of this... the years of infertility, the miscarriage, the adoption loss, and now the countdown to baby... we remain so thankful to have such wonderful people (YOU) who have supported us in prayer and love along the way. We do have a complex story and I'm not sure why God has allowed what He has, but I do know that I'm THANKFUL. Because of it we have been able to share the love of Jesus Christ with others, we have grown closer as a married couple, and I know God will continue to use our story to help encourage others who have dealt or are dealing with some or all of the issues we have dealt with. God is incredible. He is so faithful and such an ever present help in times of trouble. He has certainly been good to us - while it hasn't always been easy or fun... God is good.
Again, thank YOU for all your support over the years... we look forward to introducing her to you in just a few short days!
Love to all!
So, I'm starting to type this on the 8th (Wednesday night) but know I won't post it until after midnight, which will make it October 9th, which means 19 more days until the due date!!! Pretty exciting.
Currently, I'm feeling AWESOME, although that hasn't been the case over the past few months. Sorry for my silence on the blog... we've been super busy. I do appreciate everyone who still checks the blog frequently for updates... even though I've been a slacker in posting.
Jason and I are doing well. Both have been pretty busy with our jobs and our other church and family responsibilities. Jason's been working pretty hard, but starting at the end of next week he'll have LOTS of time off between then and mid-December so that we can have some quality family time once the baby arrives. My work has also kept me busy, but more than anything has been a true answer to prayer. I love my job and it has helped me deal with the loss of our adopted daughter in more ways than I can explain. But just thinking of work puts a big smile on my face! :)
We have had a few "scares" with this little baby... which have not been fun. The first one came in late August when I didn't feel the baby move at all for almost 48 hours! I went in and they hooked me up to the monitors for several hours and were concerned about the baby's heart rate. I was only about 7 months along at that point. Those few days were quite scary for us as we both realized that we could loose this baby too. Thankfully, she is a fighter and after being carefully monitored we were sent home. I feel her move more regularly now, but still not "a lot" by any means. My doctor things that maybe she is just a "calm" baby. Which she clearly gets from her daddy and not from me! ;)
The other scare has come over the past few weeks since I'm not gaining weight. This isn't the first time I've not gained enough weight to make the doctor happy, but over the last three weeks I have not gained 1 pound! I don't know how since my belly is getting bigger... but the doctor said as long as the baby is growing she isn't too concerned. I'm certainly not too worried as my belly is continually getting bigger... I do have to say it made me wonder why. We continue to pray daily for her to survive and thrive in my womb and that God will allow her to come home to us soon.
I just mentioned those two things to catch you all up, but let me say that right now we're feeling confident that we'll bring her home soon. Yes, we still have some scares, but I think more than anything we are just excited to FINALLY bring a baby into this house. It is funny, I'm feeling great and have more energy than ever (last week I happily walked over 3 miles one afternoon just because)! I think that is largely due to the fact that I'm emotionally in a good place for the first time throughout this pregnancy. I tried to ignore the fact I was pregnant for so long because I was sure we would loose her too... but now I'm feeling much more secure that we'll get to bring this one home. My doctor laughs at me and says that it is good to FINALLY see me excited.
Once I made the switch from ignoring to being excited... I felt a little sad that this pregnancy was not a normal first child pregnancy. No one had offered (at that point) to throw us a shower for this baby. While we had showers for the adopted baby... it wasn't the same. With my love language being "gifts" I would always know the gifts bought for the adopted baby verses the gifts no one (again, at that point) had gotten this baby. Also, our shower invitations all had something about the fact we were adopting or the baby's due date being May 31st. How could I put those in her baby book? Would I have anything to add that showed her we prepared and celebrated her arrival?
It took me a while to come to terms with those emotions. I felt bad about feeling that way because I didn't want to appear ungrateful for what had been done for us in the past. I'm very thankful to have celebrated our adopted daughter in that way and she has her own baby book with photos, invitations, and such. I also felt in a way, cheated, from the first baby experience. While this little one due in 19 days will be (God willing) the first child we bring home. In other, very real, ways she is our third child. That has made this pregnancy very bittersweet. I was looking at some of my other friends who are pregnant with their first children - due around the same time we are - and it was night and day. They were quitting their jobs, I went out and got one. They were having showers, I was having none. They were registering, my registry had been open for over a year. Etc. It just didn't "feel" like a first child.
I went back and forth on how to handle this. Finally, I just decided to go on and share how I was feeling with a couple of dear friends. It made me feel better to get out some of my sad feelings because overall I was thrilled for this little one. Once I shared how I was feeling with a few friends I felt wonderful! Pretty much everyone I shared my heart with agreed that I had a right to feel that way. I had one friend thank me for sharing that with them because she didn't think about it from that perspective. She said because our situation is so complex, there are feelings and emotions that someone who has never gone through anything like that wouldn't understand or grasp without being told. I felt that after I shared my true emotions I could really celebrate her birth. I even deleted our old registry and opened a new one just for her. It was fun to get to register again! :)
My sister-in-law got together with my mother-in-law and step mother-in-law to throw us a "family" shower (which we never had for the adopted baby). We just had that this past Saturday and it was AMAZING. It was a lot of fun, but on top of that, it was so special to be surrounded by family who I could tell were really excited to welcome this little one.
Then, on Tuesday of this week (the 7th) some of my girlfriends from church actually threw me a surprise baby shower! Not only was I surprised, but I was overwhelmed. Again, it felt good to be surrounded by people who were wanting to celebrate and honor our third child which will actually be the first child we bring home. It feels good to have had some ways to celebrate this little one specifically.
Well, that has been an overview of the past few months. Nothing new with the sad situation with the adopted baby, but we continue to pray daily for her and I usually dream about her at least once a week or so. Jason and I still very much want to adopt and plan to pursue adoption again. We are not sure what God has in store for our family, but we would love to see at least 2 if not three of our children join our family through the blessing of adoption.
September marked the 1 year anniversary of the day we lost Elijah. That day was a lot harder than either of us thought it would be. We both cried a lot and the memory of everything is still so fresh. I can remember every detail of the day we found out. I seemed to relive it that day much more vividly than I thought I would. I am thankful for the promise of heaven and to know that he's up there now. I just prayed what our senior pastor prayed for us on the day we buried him, that Jesus would play extra hard with him up there until we can join him in heaven.
Through all of this... the years of infertility, the miscarriage, the adoption loss, and now the countdown to baby... we remain so thankful to have such wonderful people (YOU) who have supported us in prayer and love along the way. We do have a complex story and I'm not sure why God has allowed what He has, but I do know that I'm THANKFUL. Because of it we have been able to share the love of Jesus Christ with others, we have grown closer as a married couple, and I know God will continue to use our story to help encourage others who have dealt or are dealing with some or all of the issues we have dealt with. God is incredible. He is so faithful and such an ever present help in times of trouble. He has certainly been good to us - while it hasn't always been easy or fun... God is good.
Again, thank YOU for all your support over the years... we look forward to introducing her to you in just a few short days!
Love to all!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
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