The Countdown is on... and a recap! :)

Hey Everyone,

So, I'm starting to type this on the 8th (Wednesday night) but know I won't post it until after midnight, which will make it October 9th, which means 19 more days until the due date!!! Pretty exciting.

Currently, I'm feeling AWESOME, although that hasn't been the case over the past few months. Sorry for my silence on the blog... we've been super busy. I do appreciate everyone who still checks the blog frequently for updates... even though I've been a slacker in posting.

Jason and I are doing well. Both have been pretty busy with our jobs and our other church and family responsibilities. Jason's been working pretty hard, but starting at the end of next week he'll have LOTS of time off between then and mid-December so that we can have some quality family time once the baby arrives. My work has also kept me busy, but more than anything has been a true answer to prayer. I love my job and it has helped me deal with the loss of our adopted daughter in more ways than I can explain. But just thinking of work puts a big smile on my face! :)

We have had a few "scares" with this little baby... which have not been fun. The first one came in late August when I didn't feel the baby move at all for almost 48 hours! I went in and they hooked me up to the monitors for several hours and were concerned about the baby's heart rate. I was only about 7 months along at that point. Those few days were quite scary for us as we both realized that we could loose this baby too. Thankfully, she is a fighter and after being carefully monitored we were sent home. I feel her move more regularly now, but still not "a lot" by any means. My doctor things that maybe she is just a "calm" baby. Which she clearly gets from her daddy and not from me! ;)

The other scare has come over the past few weeks since I'm not gaining weight. This isn't the first time I've not gained enough weight to make the doctor happy, but over the last three weeks I have not gained 1 pound! I don't know how since my belly is getting bigger... but the doctor said as long as the baby is growing she isn't too concerned. I'm certainly not too worried as my belly is continually getting bigger... I do have to say it made me wonder why. We continue to pray daily for her to survive and thrive in my womb and that God will allow her to come home to us soon.

I just mentioned those two things to catch you all up, but let me say that right now we're feeling confident that we'll bring her home soon. Yes, we still have some scares, but I think more than anything we are just excited to FINALLY bring a baby into this house. It is funny, I'm feeling great and have more energy than ever (last week I happily walked over 3 miles one afternoon just because)! I think that is largely due to the fact that I'm emotionally in a good place for the first time throughout this pregnancy. I tried to ignore the fact I was pregnant for so long because I was sure we would loose her too... but now I'm feeling much more secure that we'll get to bring this one home. My doctor laughs at me and says that it is good to FINALLY see me excited.

Once I made the switch from ignoring to being excited... I felt a little sad that this pregnancy was not a normal first child pregnancy. No one had offered (at that point) to throw us a shower for this baby. While we had showers for the adopted baby... it wasn't the same. With my love language being "gifts" I would always know the gifts bought for the adopted baby verses the gifts no one (again, at that point) had gotten this baby. Also, our shower invitations all had something about the fact we were adopting or the baby's due date being May 31st. How could I put those in her baby book? Would I have anything to add that showed her we prepared and celebrated her arrival?

It took me a while to come to terms with those emotions. I felt bad about feeling that way because I didn't want to appear ungrateful for what had been done for us in the past. I'm very thankful to have celebrated our adopted daughter in that way and she has her own baby book with photos, invitations, and such. I also felt in a way, cheated, from the first baby experience. While this little one due in 19 days will be (God willing) the first child we bring home. In other, very real, ways she is our third child. That has made this pregnancy very bittersweet. I was looking at some of my other friends who are pregnant with their first children - due around the same time we are - and it was night and day. They were quitting their jobs, I went out and got one. They were having showers, I was having none. They were registering, my registry had been open for over a year. Etc. It just didn't "feel" like a first child.

I went back and forth on how to handle this. Finally, I just decided to go on and share how I was feeling with a couple of dear friends. It made me feel better to get out some of my sad feelings because overall I was thrilled for this little one. Once I shared how I was feeling with a few friends I felt wonderful! Pretty much everyone I shared my heart with agreed that I had a right to feel that way. I had one friend thank me for sharing that with them because she didn't think about it from that perspective. She said because our situation is so complex, there are feelings and emotions that someone who has never gone through anything like that wouldn't understand or grasp without being told. I felt that after I shared my true emotions I could really celebrate her birth. I even deleted our old registry and opened a new one just for her. It was fun to get to register again! :)

My sister-in-law got together with my mother-in-law and step mother-in-law to throw us a "family" shower (which we never had for the adopted baby). We just had that this past Saturday and it was AMAZING. It was a lot of fun, but on top of that, it was so special to be surrounded by family who I could tell were really excited to welcome this little one.

Then, on Tuesday of this week (the 7th) some of my girlfriends from church actually threw me a surprise baby shower! Not only was I surprised, but I was overwhelmed. Again, it felt good to be surrounded by people who were wanting to celebrate and honor our third child which will actually be the first child we bring home. It feels good to have had some ways to celebrate this little one specifically.

Well, that has been an overview of the past few months. Nothing new with the sad situation with the adopted baby, but we continue to pray daily for her and I usually dream about her at least once a week or so. Jason and I still very much want to adopt and plan to pursue adoption again. We are not sure what God has in store for our family, but we would love to see at least 2 if not three of our children join our family through the blessing of adoption.

September marked the 1 year anniversary of the day we lost Elijah. That day was a lot harder than either of us thought it would be. We both cried a lot and the memory of everything is still so fresh. I can remember every detail of the day we found out. I seemed to relive it that day much more vividly than I thought I would. I am thankful for the promise of heaven and to know that he's up there now. I just prayed what our senior pastor prayed for us on the day we buried him, that Jesus would play extra hard with him up there until we can join him in heaven.

Through all of this... the years of infertility, the miscarriage, the adoption loss, and now the countdown to baby... we remain so thankful to have such wonderful people (YOU) who have supported us in prayer and love along the way. We do have a complex story and I'm not sure why God has allowed what He has, but I do know that I'm THANKFUL. Because of it we have been able to share the love of Jesus Christ with others, we have grown closer as a married couple, and I know God will continue to use our story to help encourage others who have dealt or are dealing with some or all of the issues we have dealt with. God is incredible. He is so faithful and such an ever present help in times of trouble. He has certainly been good to us - while it hasn't always been easy or fun... God is good.

Again, thank YOU for all your support over the years... we look forward to introducing her to you in just a few short days!

Love to all!