Chuck-E-Cheese

A few weeks ago Jason suggested that we take the children to Chuck-E-Cheese for our morning outing. We hadn't been there since Jonah's birthday so I happily agreed. I mean, we avoid the food at all costs, but going there is always fun for the kids (and for the husband who enjoys playing pop-a-shot).

It was neat for me to watch Havana and Jonah. Havana wanted to play Skeeball, but she didn't always grasp the concept. She quickly grew bored and then played a game on one of the rides. She imagined she was a "wonder pet" and would sing the wonder pet theme song as she road this ride. She certainly was in her own little world and it was captivating to watch.

Jonah, on the other hand, wanted nothing to do with the rides. He insisted on playing any of the ball games. He played the pop-a-shot with his dad and the child version of one. If you tried to redirect him he would get frustrated and say, "ball" and just walk back to one of the ball games. There were some older kids (about 8) there and they were playing basketball and Jonah walked up to them with no fear and said "ball" and tried to play with them. It was so funny to watch!

As I took all of this in I noted how Havana and Jonah are so wonderfully different. Havana is shy, she enjoys singing, she uses her imagination to pretend she is part of a TV show... Jonah doesn't think twice about going up to older kids, he only wants to play ball... don't try to make him do anything else. It was fun to watch their personalities gravitate towards their passions. I love that my kiddos are different and into different things. I am looking forward to discovering more about Selah's interests. Each child is fearfully and wonderfully made!

Talking up a storm!

Dear Jonah,

You, my boy, amaze me. I had no idea kids this young talk so much. You can say anything... and most of the time when you say something I'm unaware that you even knew what something was. For example, the other night I was holding a graham cracker and you looked at it and said, "eat graham cracker." I didn't even know you knew what they were called! Today you looked at Havana and said, "I love Havana." What?! You're only 16 months old... really... and you can put words together?! I'm so impressed!

Here's a list of some of the other words/phrases you can say, "Daddy, Mommy, Tucker, Havana, Eat, Bottle, Poo Poo, Up, Down, Do it again, Little Buddy, Open, Let's Go, There you go, Grandaddy, Cookie, Black, White, Apple, Bible, Eyes, Nose, Car, Ball, Ice Cream, Drink, All Done, More, Swing, Hello, Bye Bye, Book, Read, Pop, Hammer, Amen, Wow... etc.

The other day I was working in the kitchen while you were sitting at your high chair. I heard you saying "I" "I" "I" the I heard "Ose" "Ose" "Ose" -- I wasn't paying close attention so i said, "oh are you saying your vowel sounds, "A, E, I, O, and U" -- but then I look up at you are pointing to you eyes saying, "eye" then to your nose and you said "Ose." Um, I about fainted because I have never, ever once reviewed your body parts with you! How in the world did you know where your eyes and nose were? I asked you to show me your ears - you did. Your mouth- you did. Your hair - you did! I later found out your daddy had been teaching you those things, but I'm still amazed at how smart you are!!!

I'm having fun with you these days. We have this game where I will fake cough and then you will fake cough and then we both laugh. It goes on for several minutes and I never get sick of it. You also get so excited about playing hide-n-seek. You are in that fun phase where when you can't see us you assume that we can't see you. So you'll cover your eyes and then you will breath very heavy with excitement over when we will find you.  It is pure joy. And, boy, you are in love with balls. Any and every kind of ball. There are balls in your room and you point them out while we change your diapers. There are some on your sheets and you often point and them and yell, "ball" when you're in your crib. You have learned where we keep the balls in the garage and you are on a mission to get them as soon as we head to the car. You even see balls when I have no idea they are around. We were playing outside and you freaked out and started screaming, "Ball!" "Ball!" "Ball!" I said, "Jonah, there are no balls out here." But, of course, you were looking two doors down and they had a ball in their yard! I can't believe you noticed it! Or we will be at the store and you'll yell ball and I'll look around and someone is wearing a shirt with ball. You're amazing and I can't wait to see your athletic ability develop!

I love you, little man! And I'm so proud of your speech! Oh, and I'm so proud that you have learned how to walk... September 1st you became a walker! Now, you're a walker and a talker. :) Love you, Bubs!

My Funny Firstborn!!!!

Dear Havana,

You are so funny! I have been trying to write down all the funny things you do and say in order to remember them, but that is becoming hard because you are constantly making me laugh! I love watching you use your imagination, improve in your speech, and become who the Lord has made you to be! Here are some of my favorites:

• We were getting in the car and after I sat down behind the wheel you said, "vana drive." I explained that you couldn't driving, but that mommy was driving. Without missing a beat you said, "Baby Jonah drive?" -- I laughed wondering if my driving scares you. 
• There is a billboard with a picture of the Mona Lisa on it. You love that billboard. You always look for it and yell, "Hi Mona Lisa!" when we pass it. The other day you were drawing and I asked you what you were drawing and you said, " the Mona Lisa" - you are my little artist. :) Speaking of drawing, the other day in the car you were drawing and you pointed to your picture and said, "baby Jonah." I looked at the picture and it was a clear face! I was so proud and filled with laughter! You are so cute.

• We tried potty training you recently. You really enjoyed sitting on the big girl potty. You would sit on there for a long time and you would say, "Vana sit on big girl potty. Vana big girl." However, my sweet girl, you never actually went to the bathroom. When you had to go you would scream, "no sit on big girl potty. Vana sit in diaper." Needless to say, we put a pause on the potty training. ;) 
• You're getting very into the "big girl" -- you want to eat "like a big girl" drink water "like a big girl" and sit in the "big girl swing" - it is fun to watch you mature.  
• You are certainly becoming "mommy's little helper" - you help me out a lot by obeying, picking up your toys, and feeding tucker. Whenever Jason walks out of the house with a trash bag you yell, "vana help" and you help him walk it to the curb!
• You are wanting to dress up like mommy too! You'll put on my shoes or my jewelry and pretend to be me. This warms my heart. Today you were wearing my tennis shoes and then you picked up my Bible study book and said, "my read this too." I loved that you associated me with a Bible study book! I hope I continue to set that example for you!
• You have some interesting ideas of what mommy looks like. There is billboard by the zoo with a photo of Paula Dean.  You insist that is mommy. Not sure what I think about that one, dear child. :) You also think Jodi Benson (the host of God Made Me) looks like me and whenever she comes on the show you scream, "mama." The other person you seem to think is me is a character from a Dr. Seuss book. In Green Eggs and Ham there is "Sam I Am" and the "person" (aka creature) who won't try the green eggs. Well, that unnamed person you insist is mommy. Thanks, Honey. :) 

• When reading your books, your newest thing is "matching." You will match up pictures. If on one page there is a picture of a girl eating and then someone else is eating a few pages later, you flip back and look at both illustrations. You do this with everything. You even make connections that I didn't know where there. We have a book of several of the Princess stories and if the prince is wearing a cape in the Sleeping Beauty story - you will flip to the Snow White story and look at the prince wearing a cape in that one too. It amazes me that you can seem to find a "matching" connection in whatever book we are reading. You are so smart.
• Speaking of the Princess book - you are getting into the whole Princess theme. It started back at Disney World when your room was decorated with the Princesses. Then we came home and you had princess pajamas. Then you started reading their stories. We insert the songs from the move into the books and you love to sing and dance. The other day I walked into your room and you were dressed up in a crown, fancy dress, and you were wearing some jewelry. You told me you were "Aurora."  I love watching this Princess stage and I'm fairly certain we'll be having a princess themed birthday party! 

• You LOVE to sing. In fact, last weekend when I picked you up from the nursery I said, "I'm here to get Havana." The nursery volunteer said, "Oh Havana, she is such a good singer." You sing constantly. You recently went through a "Little Miss Muffett phase where you sang that often. One day I walked into a room and you were standing on a stool with a microphone singing that song and acting it out. It was precious to watch because you had no idea I was there. Currently you love the "Wonder Pets" theme song and "Jesus Loves Me"
• Every night before bed we do "shadows" on the wall. We go in the same order every night: bunny, cow, butterfly, sheep, duck, horse/donkey. Well, the other day I was changing your diaper and you were holding your Pluto and you noticed his shadow on the wall. You lit up and said, "First we do bunny (made Pluto do the bunny shadow), second we do cow..." and I laughed so hard. I loved watching you pretend, but that is also the first time I heard you use the words "first" and "second" and so forth. Smart cookie! :) 
• watch you play with him. Often times when you are singing a song you will run up to him and get in his face and sing it really loudly... I tell myself you are trying to teach it to him, but I'm not sure if that is it or not. We recently taught you all how to play tag (which ended up being me running between the two of you while you both sat laughing in the yard) and Hide-n-Seek. It is fun that we're getting to that "game" stage with you all. The other day you and Jonah were playing on your bed and you leaned down to give him a kiss on the cheek. He moved away after your kiss and you said, "No baby Jonah, on the mouth." and then you pinned him down and planted a huge kiss on his mouth. He just sat there wide eyed. I laughed until I cried. Not all of your interactions with Jonah are sweet, however. You've come up with this new phrase, "No, Baby, that's mine." You will say it whenever he is getting too close to something you are playing with. We have tried to tell you that when you say that phrase you aren't having a good heart... hopefully if we are consistent you will stop saying that. 

• You were giving Jonah a hug recently and you hugged him so hard that he fell and hit his head on the kitchen floor. I watched the whole thing and so I know your heart was in the right spot, but I still told you to go and sit on the couch until I was able to come talk to you. That is where I send you when you are in trouble. I comfort Jonah and then go over and talked to you. I talked about how we need to be gentle, but stressed that I knew your heart was in the right place so you aren't in trouble. Once I was done talking I told you that you were allowed to get up and as soon as you stood up you said, "now I spank your bottom" and you spanked your own bottom (which is what I do after talking with you on the couch if you have disobeyed). I tried to explain that because your heart was right you didn't deserve a spanking this time, but I'm not sure you grasped that. :) 
• I did ask you once why were you being mean to Jonah. A question I ask you a lot. Your answer was, "because I was mean to Jonah." I know I shouldn't have, but I started laughing. I really, really try hard to not laugh when disciplining you, but sometimes it is difficult. Anyway, I was really proud of the fact you used the word "because" - we have been trying to teach you to answer us with more than a one word answer. 
• In regards to your speech you continue to make progress. Last weekend when I picked you up from the nursery at church we were walking in the hallways and I asked you what you learned about. you told me you learned about King David. I asked why did Samuel choose King David and you told me "because he had a good heart." Another mom heard my conversation and asked how old you were. I said 2.5 and she was shocked and said, "so is my daughter and we don't have conversations like that." Now, I'm not celebrating her daughter's delay by any means, but I was so happy to hear someone compliment your speech! You are awesome, little one! 

Those are just a few of the highlights that I've been storing up in my heart. I love being your mama and watching you grow! You are my very funny firstborn!

Missing Elijah...

Tonight everyone (including my sweet newborn and my handsome husband) in my house was alseep shortly after 9pm. With  four people snoozing upstairs I crept downstairs and made dinner for tomorrow night (meals you assemble the night before are my favorite). In the quiet of my downstairs I simply began to let my mind wander and I must admit that I became quite emotional. Perhaps the Wilson Philips Station I was listening to on Pandora (don't judge me!) was to blame, but more than anything, I kept coming back to dear sweet Elijah.

Our 2nd ultrasound photo of Elijah - here he is around 7 weeks! 

So many of my friends have had miscarriages lately and my heart is heavy for them knowing the road they are walking. In a couple of weeks it will be the 4 year anniversary of when we lost our oldest. I can't believe it has been four years... the pain has certainly lessened with time, but my love for him has only increased and the void of his little life often fills my thoughts. Then, my thoughts took a dangerous turn as I thought about the other babies we lost. I thought about our failed adoption - if we had not lost Elijah we would not have pursued that particular adoption and thus would never would have experienced that horrific loss. I also wonder if we would have lost Jonah's twin, Jonas, too. There was one cycle between Havana and Jonah that I thought perhaps was a miscarriage - still to this day I'm not 100% sure even though I think it was - and I wonder if I would have given it a second thought if we had never lost Elijah because I wouldn't have been so hyper-sensitive about the loss of a baby. In the stillness of my kitchen I began to grieve all those losses again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm in love with my life. I've been blessed with three AMAZING children who capture my heart and take my breath away every day. The pain Jason and I experienced together brought us so much closer and deeper and I often appreciate that. I am incredibly happy and thankful for the place the Lord has brought me... but sometimes the pain comes back so unexpectedly. I look at Jonah and daily wonder what it would be like with two little boys. I'm convinced they would be quite a pair. I wonder what personality type Elijah would have had. I wonder what my daughter who is being raised by her birthmother is doing this very moment. Is she safe? Does she know how special and loved she is? Does she know there is someone who prays for her every night?

As I think these thoughts... my heart is full of love and a hint of sadness for my babies who never came home. And in that moment in the kitchen where it was just me and my emotions... I felt the arms of Jesus Christ wrap around me so strongly and so securely. And in that embrace I simply rested and took comfort knowing that one of the reasons Jesus came to the earth was to be able to say, "I've walked where you are. I know the pain. I understand..."

I am blessed to be married to an incredible man. He makes me feel safe, loved, beautiful, etc. He gives me the freedom to be me (ugly parts and all!). Hearing his voice when he calls to say he is on his way home from work fills me with such warmth and peace. His arms provide a safe haven for me to find healing, forgiveness, and comfort. Yet, as amazing as all that is, it pales in comparison to the perfect healing, strength, beauty, forgiveness, comfort, love, and acceptance I find in Jesus' arms. He came to rescue me from all my sin, from all the scars I have from living in a fallen world, from all the heart ache. His love is not conditional, it has no limitations, it has no selfish motives... it is simply... love. In those moments I weep - He weeps with me. In those painful moments he whispers, "my grace is sufficient for you."

My challenge is sitting still enough in His arms to recieve all that He wants to lavish on me. More often than not I simply don't give Him that time. I remember after we lost Elijah I went through very deep depression. The type where I couldn't get out of bed. Jason was in residency during the time and so I had ample time to be with Jesus. He held onto me so tightly and didn't call me out of my grieving too early. Tonight in the kitchen I experienced that comfort again. It brought a smile to my face as I thought about the promise that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. I love resting in His arms and living in the promise that the next time my life seems to be shattering around me I can cling to the promise that He will be there. He will rescue. He will heal. He is faithful. And in that comforting promise I will drift off to sleep tonight.
  
"Oh Praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead."

Six week review

My sweet Selah is six weeks old! She is so much fun and I'm loving being her mommy. I usually call her my "sweet Selah" but sometimes I call her "Spikey Selah" because her hair is so... spikey! I love it - it sticks straight up. At first it was only a hair or two, but it seems that after every bath more and more of her hair is spikey. I am pretty sure she might develop a natural Mohawk soon! :)

At her 1 month appointment she weighed in at 11 pounds, 10 ounces and I'm certain that she is over 12 pounds now. She is getting noticeably bigger every day. What a fun stage. She gave me her first smile the other day (the 29th). I was talking sweetly to her and rubbing her belly after a diaper change and she looked up at me with her wide eyes and then broke into a smile. My heart melted. I am so thankful for my little daughter!

She loves being held and making eye contact. The other night when praying  for her Jason specifically prayed that we would always make time to look into her eyes during the day. Her first few weeks of life she demanded to be held... which of course can't always happen when you're chasing two other little ones around.I felt bad that she had to cry, but in the past few days she has adapted and is now content to sit in her swing or crib and wait for when mommy can come and hold her. Literally this is the third day that her day time have resembled a normal routine and she has been content with where mommy places her. Sometimes she still protests, but she ends up giving up after 5 minutes or so verses the hours (literally) of crying that she would do before.

Her nighttime sleep has gotten into a nice pattern as well. She has always been an okay sleeper - there have only been two nights (both when she was 2 weeks old) where she was up most of the night. Other than that she was pretty good about waiting 3-4 hours between feeds. Around 5 weeks of age she began sleeping for 6 hours straight and then going back to bed for three hours and then back to sleep again for three hours. It was a nice twelve hours that she was in her room. The past two nights she has slept 7.5 at once and then goes back to sleep for 3 hours. What a good little girl!

Now, I won't lie, the transition from two children to three proved challenging at times. It was hard physically to try and keep up with the two little ones while not getting a lot of sleep at night in those first few weeks. It was hard to get back into the swing of nursing (in the past six week I've already had mastitis three times). It was hard to listen to Selah scream when I couldn't tend to her needs right away. It was hard to listen to Jonah cry when I couldn't tend to his needs right away. It was hard to listen to Havana whine when I couldn't tend to her needs right away. It has been a work out keeping all three kids in clean diapers and well fed. Jason and I are still trying to figure out how to get chores and paperwork done as well as how to have time for each other.

However, despite the growing pains... life have been so much sweeter since bringing Selah home. My heart grows watching Havana and Jonah interact with her. I am having fun with my three little ones and wouldn't change the hardest day for the easiest day pre-Selah. Having three kids is different, but so amazing. I am learning how much I need the Lord. I need Him and His grace for each moment and it is amazing to watch Him give me energy despite a lack of physical sleep. He gives me grace when I have nothing left, He allows me to laugh instead of breaking down in tears. He grants me individual time with each child. He is teaching me that His grace truly is sufficient.

At the Kentucky State Fair! 

I've never been one to stay at home very often. I usually have the kids out daily. We have still had lots of family fun trips since Selah has been born (the zoo, the fair, playgroups, church, friend's houses, etc.), but I've been home more than normal and that is where I see His grace coming through. He provides me with the energy to make my home a fun atmosphere for my children - He helps me come up with fun ways to play with the children. He has helped me from becoming bored. He is answering my prayers to be my strength for each moment and He is teaching me to take full advantage of this age... enjoying it and planting seeds in the hearts of my babies!

The Lord has provided me with an incredible husband who helps out with the children so that I can take a nap...or a bath. He even watched all three children the other night for several hours so that I could spend the evening scrapbooking with friends!  He has also provided me with amazing friends who help me with my children when we get out of the house, come to me when I don't feel like I can leave, and who encourage me in my quest to be a godly mother. The weekly play dates I've been having with them have meant so much and have helped me feel connected to the human race in a time when things don't seem normal.

My heart is overwhelmed with love and gratitude for the life I'm living. My children are so precious (to me :) and I am learning to fully enjoy this stage. This is a stage of messy faces, messy diapers, and a messy house! This stage can best be described (at best) as organized chaos. Yet, this stage is so full of innocence. My children, while they get disappointed if they don't get their way, don't know what name calling is, they don't yet know about how people can be malicious, and they don't know what it feels like to be rejected. They are unaware of hurricanes, national debt, famine in Africa, and unsolved crimes. They live in a sheltered little world that I hope to keep them in as long as possible. They wake up each day and spend their time playing, singing, dancing, and laughing. They know that they are loved by their mommy, daddy, and Jesus. They know mommy and daddy love each other. They know they love each other! It is a sweet and innocent time and I'm so grateful to have three little ones entrusted to my care! 

The Bottle Boy Who Wouldn't Walk...

Dear Jonah,

Well, my little man, I'm madly in love with you. You seriously are so incredibly kissable, funny, sweet, tender, smart, and all around wonderful! I love watching you play and explore your world. Your communication skills are amazing. You are saying so many words (notebook, blue, black, ark, up, down, ball, drink, all done, more, cookie, etc.) and doing a great job answering questions. We went to Noah's Ark the other day and that night i was rubbing your back and asked, "Do you remember what we did today?" You said, "ark" I said, "yes, we went to the ark, and what did we do there?" And you said, "up, up, up... down." (meaning you went up and down the slide! It was an amazing experience to have a conversation with my little man! I am so proud of you. You make an attempt to say any word. I was talking to havana the other day and I asked her, "can you say particular?" and you said, "particular." haha. You're a funny little man because you refuse to be left out of anything. Anything your big sister can say you will try to say. Anywhere she can go you will want to go. Anything she can do you are going to do or die attempting. ha.

We went to the fair the other night and you enjoyed keeping up with her on the rides and playing in "safety town." She climbs up stairs and goes down big slides... so do you. Most of the other mothers around are shocked that I let you go up and down on the playgroup equipment by yourself, but you figure it out very quickly. You can even get off of mommy and daddy's king sized bed with ease. You just attempt everything feet first and you don't seem to mind the times you tumble or fall. You can go up the stairs with ease and you can come down them too, but mommy gets a little nervous watching you do that.  She spins and sings and you sing and spin (while sitting on the ground). You want to play with what she is playing with and overall you two play together very well.  It seems that the only thing you won't do like Havana is 1. Drink from a sippy cup and 2. WALK.

You are almost 16 months old and your bottle seems to be your first love. You adore it. You shake with excitement as soon as you see it. When your bottle is on your tray it doesn't matter what dessert is on there - you only have eyes for the six ounces of the soy liquid that is in there. I'm pretty sure you dream about it at night. Our doctor said that having you off of your bottle by 18 months is a good goal, but I honestly don't know how we're going to do it. You won't drink milk from a sippy cup. You'll gladly drink water from the cup, but when it comes to your soy milk it has to be from the bottle. We've tried to offer you milk in a cup - several different types of cups - but all get rejected. The other day I gave you your milk in a straw sippy cup. You immediately try to throw it on the floor, but I said, "just take a sip of it." You take a sip... and then you look at me with this HORRIBLE expression that seemed to say, "how could you?!" And then with a loud grunt you throw the cup on the floor. I laughed and sighed... I'm not sure how this will play out, but I'll be shocked if you are off the bottle by 18 months... just saying. :)

You also are not walking. Here's the thing... YOU CAN! At the beginning of August when you had just turned 15 months old you took your first few steps. You were on one side of the couch and Havana had a toy on the other side and you quickly took three steps to get from one side of the couch to the other. I don't think you realized that you did it and it took me a second to realize it. Then I screamed out of excitement. You took three tiny steps, but I was sure that was the beginning of you taking off. I called your daddy at work to let him know the good news and I followed you around the rest of the evening with the video camera. Sadly, you didn't take another step. Then, 20 days later, I carried you up the stairs and I put you down. I had my hands around your ribs instead of holding your hands and helped you start walking. I softly let go and again you took about 3-4 steps before you reached the wall and began your normal routine of cruising the walls. I, again, screamed and ran to pick you up. I kept yelling, "You did it, Jonah! You walked!" You however seemed motivated very little by all the positive reinforcement. I kept trying to get you to take steps after that, but again, you wouldn't. As soon as I let go of you - you plop yourself on the ground and begin to crawl until you can find something you can "cruise" on. I don't know what it is going to take to get you to realize that you CAN WALK! You can do it. You seem content simply standing on your own two feet, but resorting to crawling and cruising as your modes of transportation. and I guess we are working on your time table and not mine! :) You're an awesome little boy and I'm madly in love with you!

Jonah can stand, but he won't walk. 

The Leader of the Mutiny...

So my status on facebook today read, "It's official - my children are staging a mutiny! :)" -- and that seemed to ring true all day. Since having three children I have accepted the truth that I can't make everyone happy and that there is a good chance that at least one of the children will be crying at any given moment. That doesn't even phase me anymore. Every once in a while it gets stressful when two of the three are upset, but today... all three were "emotional" all day. Jason was home for a little bit this morning and he even noted that it wasn't a good day... and if you know him... you know he never says things like that. His last words to me before he left for work were, "good luck." I finally had all three down at 10pm and breathed in the silence for a few minutes. I never knew silence could be so.... sweet. :)

All three of my children were clearly not excited about life today, but as I assested the situation I realized that there was a leader to this mutiny. Behold the leader... 

Now, I realize she is little and well, adorable... but she successfully enlisted and rallied two other troops to her cause! In the loud chaos that was my day... I laughed out loud thinking of the leadership skills this little one already has. What mighty plans does the Lord have for her? She is only 5 weeks old and I can already get a glimpse of her personality which I believe is not going to be a passive one. Praying for my little leader tonight - that she sleeps well and that she will learn Philippians 4:12 ("I have learned the secrete of being content in any and every situation..."). I am also praying that as she grows - she will use her strong personality for His glory to reach this lost world! Despite the fact she organized a coup... I wouldn't change a thing - I love each of my babies and their distinctive personalities. I love the gift of life and the chance to be a mommy. I also love the promise that His mercies are new every morning... here's to a better tomorrow! :)