The Bottle Boy Who Wouldn't Walk...

Dear Jonah,

Well, my little man, I'm madly in love with you. You seriously are so incredibly kissable, funny, sweet, tender, smart, and all around wonderful! I love watching you play and explore your world. Your communication skills are amazing. You are saying so many words (notebook, blue, black, ark, up, down, ball, drink, all done, more, cookie, etc.) and doing a great job answering questions. We went to Noah's Ark the other day and that night i was rubbing your back and asked, "Do you remember what we did today?" You said, "ark" I said, "yes, we went to the ark, and what did we do there?" And you said, "up, up, up... down." (meaning you went up and down the slide! It was an amazing experience to have a conversation with my little man! I am so proud of you. You make an attempt to say any word. I was talking to havana the other day and I asked her, "can you say particular?" and you said, "particular." haha. You're a funny little man because you refuse to be left out of anything. Anything your big sister can say you will try to say. Anywhere she can go you will want to go. Anything she can do you are going to do or die attempting. ha.

We went to the fair the other night and you enjoyed keeping up with her on the rides and playing in "safety town." She climbs up stairs and goes down big slides... so do you. Most of the other mothers around are shocked that I let you go up and down on the playgroup equipment by yourself, but you figure it out very quickly. You can even get off of mommy and daddy's king sized bed with ease. You just attempt everything feet first and you don't seem to mind the times you tumble or fall. You can go up the stairs with ease and you can come down them too, but mommy gets a little nervous watching you do that.  She spins and sings and you sing and spin (while sitting on the ground). You want to play with what she is playing with and overall you two play together very well.  It seems that the only thing you won't do like Havana is 1. Drink from a sippy cup and 2. WALK.

You are almost 16 months old and your bottle seems to be your first love. You adore it. You shake with excitement as soon as you see it. When your bottle is on your tray it doesn't matter what dessert is on there - you only have eyes for the six ounces of the soy liquid that is in there. I'm pretty sure you dream about it at night. Our doctor said that having you off of your bottle by 18 months is a good goal, but I honestly don't know how we're going to do it. You won't drink milk from a sippy cup. You'll gladly drink water from the cup, but when it comes to your soy milk it has to be from the bottle. We've tried to offer you milk in a cup - several different types of cups - but all get rejected. The other day I gave you your milk in a straw sippy cup. You immediately try to throw it on the floor, but I said, "just take a sip of it." You take a sip... and then you look at me with this HORRIBLE expression that seemed to say, "how could you?!" And then with a loud grunt you throw the cup on the floor. I laughed and sighed... I'm not sure how this will play out, but I'll be shocked if you are off the bottle by 18 months... just saying. :)

You also are not walking. Here's the thing... YOU CAN! At the beginning of August when you had just turned 15 months old you took your first few steps. You were on one side of the couch and Havana had a toy on the other side and you quickly took three steps to get from one side of the couch to the other. I don't think you realized that you did it and it took me a second to realize it. Then I screamed out of excitement. You took three tiny steps, but I was sure that was the beginning of you taking off. I called your daddy at work to let him know the good news and I followed you around the rest of the evening with the video camera. Sadly, you didn't take another step. Then, 20 days later, I carried you up the stairs and I put you down. I had my hands around your ribs instead of holding your hands and helped you start walking. I softly let go and again you took about 3-4 steps before you reached the wall and began your normal routine of cruising the walls. I, again, screamed and ran to pick you up. I kept yelling, "You did it, Jonah! You walked!" You however seemed motivated very little by all the positive reinforcement. I kept trying to get you to take steps after that, but again, you wouldn't. As soon as I let go of you - you plop yourself on the ground and begin to crawl until you can find something you can "cruise" on. I don't know what it is going to take to get you to realize that you CAN WALK! You can do it. You seem content simply standing on your own two feet, but resorting to crawling and cruising as your modes of transportation. and I guess we are working on your time table and not mine! :) You're an awesome little boy and I'm madly in love with you!

Jonah can stand, but he won't walk. 

The Leader of the Mutiny...

So my status on facebook today read, "It's official - my children are staging a mutiny! :)" -- and that seemed to ring true all day. Since having three children I have accepted the truth that I can't make everyone happy and that there is a good chance that at least one of the children will be crying at any given moment. That doesn't even phase me anymore. Every once in a while it gets stressful when two of the three are upset, but today... all three were "emotional" all day. Jason was home for a little bit this morning and he even noted that it wasn't a good day... and if you know him... you know he never says things like that. His last words to me before he left for work were, "good luck." I finally had all three down at 10pm and breathed in the silence for a few minutes. I never knew silence could be so.... sweet. :)

All three of my children were clearly not excited about life today, but as I assested the situation I realized that there was a leader to this mutiny. Behold the leader... 

Now, I realize she is little and well, adorable... but she successfully enlisted and rallied two other troops to her cause! In the loud chaos that was my day... I laughed out loud thinking of the leadership skills this little one already has. What mighty plans does the Lord have for her? She is only 5 weeks old and I can already get a glimpse of her personality which I believe is not going to be a passive one. Praying for my little leader tonight - that she sleeps well and that she will learn Philippians 4:12 ("I have learned the secrete of being content in any and every situation..."). I am also praying that as she grows - she will use her strong personality for His glory to reach this lost world! Despite the fact she organized a coup... I wouldn't change a thing - I love each of my babies and their distinctive personalities. I love the gift of life and the chance to be a mommy. I also love the promise that His mercies are new every morning... here's to a better tomorrow! :)

For the Love of Our Husbands!

It has been a while since I mentioned my book on this blog... but I wanted to write one quick post on it, more than anything to help me remember all the cool "I spy God" moments that are coming out of this crazy adventure He put me on. Let me first say that I don't type any of this as a way to pat myself on the back or to boast in any way. It isn't me... it is the Lord... which makes all of this so cool for me to sit back and watch.

The last week of June I approved the printed version of my book and at that point it was officially for sale! At first only through myself or the Crossbooks website, but then it was quickly picked up by Amazon and Barnes and Noble. I posted on my facebook page how to purchase it and I was shocked at how many people wanted to buy a copy. I realize that most people are supporting me solely as a friend, but I was still blown away... especially when the people purchasing a copy had been married for many years. I have currently been married (only) 6.5 years, but I wrote the book during my 4th year of marriage. It was hard for me to believe that anything I wrote back then could impact anyone who had been married longer than myself. Yet, the requests and the compliments kept coming in and I continued to be humbled. I ended up making a habit of praying for each book before mailing it off... I prayed for the couple it was going to, I prayed for the Lord to use the words written in there to impact and uplift their marriage no matter how long they have been married. It seemed that all I could do was hand it over to Him.

The Lord was so gracious in allowing me to hear a compliment about how He was answering that prayer. A week or two after giving it to some ladies in my Bible study... one of my friends mentioned the book in our study. She was talking about how she was frustrated with her husband and she went and read the devotion for that week and there were words in there she needed to hear that helped her change her attitude. I have to say it was one of the rare moments when I didn't seem to battle my own pride, but simply thanked the Lord. You see, she has been married longer than I have and the coolest part is that I wrote that devotion two years ago before I had even met her. I thought, "only God could take something I wrote in 2009 and use it in the marriage of someone here in 2011. Only He could orchestrate that." Then some of the ladies in the group were asking about my book and I sat back and watched as three women were explaining my book to them. It was surreal and a blessing.

In the past when I've performed a drama at church, as the compliments came in I would battle with my pride because I knew it was something that I was gifted in... a natural strong suit so to speak. There were times when I actually thought "I" was the reason a drama was so good and not because the Lord was working. I'm certainly not thrilled to share my prideful moments, but they do exist in certain areas. This, however, is not one of those moments. I'm not an author... writing isn't my strength... I'm not the perfect wife, I don't have a perfect marriage... I'm young in both age and marriage... there is nothing in me that is qualified to write a marriage book. Nothing. Which is how I know that when anyone compliments my book... it isn't me... it is the Lord. I'm not always so humble, but in this situation, I have no room for pride because it isn't me. To think that the Lord is accomplishing good through such a broken vessel like me... wow, brings me to tears even now!

Jason and I agreed at the beginning of this adventure that we were publishing this book to be obedient to Him and not for any sort of fame or career goal for myself. We wanted to hand it over to Him and let Him run with it... well, He is running. Someone suggested that we ask the Outlook (a Christian newspaper) to do a story on it. We thought about it and I even started a letter or two, but then ended up deleting the e-mail because it didn't seem right. I didn't want to self-promote. Shortly after I shrugged off the idea of having the Outlook do an article... they contacted me requesting an interview. What?! I wasn't seeking it, I didn't mention it, but through word of mouth they found out about it. I had the interview last week and my simple prayer is that the Lord would say what He wants to say about the book through the article's author.

Around the same time as the Outlook interview, I found out that the Living Word bookstore was willing to carry the book. This is the first time my book has actually hit a bookstore's shelf and not merely available online. I was humbled that the Living Word wanted to carry it. The bookstore manager read the book and said that in lots of way the book is good for single women too because it highlights different prayer points that they can begin praying now for their husbands! When she said that I was humbled and realized that the Lord has bigger plans for this book than I realized! To confirm that thought, there is recent talk of me going on a radio show. I haven't accepted the invitation yet, but am currently praying about it. In the meantime, I'm having fun sitting back and watching Him work!  For someone who never set out to write a book, who never believed I could actually publish a book, and who doubted anyone would purchase it... I am humbled and thankful that He is using and blessing me despite all my inadequacies. Isn't that so like God?!

Lots of Threes!

Well, I've been the mommy to three children under three years of age for three weeks now! At times I think, "really, has it only been three weeks?!" Because I am already struggling to remember life pre-Selah. Yet there are also those times when I can't believe Selah is already three weeks old as it feels that only yesterday she was born! Funny how time works like that. :)

Life has been sweet and busy since we were blessed with our third miracle! Selah was born on July 19th and we came home that Thursday the 21st. I was excited to get settled in back home... yet that night Selah scared us! All that day at the hospital she didn't make a wet or dirty diaper. All afternoon she was awfully sleepy. Now, I realize she was a new born, but I also had been with her the past two days and this was different. She wouldn't wake up - not even to eat - and when she did open her eyes they rolled back into her head. Her breathing was a little off as well. I tried skin-to-skin... I tried stripping her down and laying her on the cold couch... I tried just about everything to get her to wake up and eat. Nothing. I kept telling Jason, "She isn't the same girl who was in the hospital." She wasn't crying, wouldn't make a noise, wouldn't open her eyes, wouldn't eat... I was slightly worried she was having seizures or something along those lines. Jason quickly reassured me she was not, but after observing her more carefully he agreed that he was "concerned, but not frightened." We ended up calling our pediatrician on call around 11:30pm. Please know that we really never call the doctor on call, but we did that night. By this time it had been 24 hours since her last wet diaper and we discussed her appearance with the doctor. I was thinking she would send us to the ER right away... Jason said that if we had to take her to the ER they would keep her for observation. This killed me because I had just come home and the thought of leaving my other two children for another day or two was heart breaking. I wanted us to be together as a family. We prayed over her and then shortly there after our doctor called us back. She said that we should force feed her formula every hour throughout the night. If she did not make a wet diaper by 5am then we were to take her to the ER. Well, it took a few hours, but she finally peed! Within 12 hours she started perking up and acting like a regular newborn. We took her in for a weight check on Friday and they thought she looked a little jaundice (and she had yet to poop!) and so they ran some labs. Thankfully, the labs came back in the normal range and they said as long as she begins to poop everything should be okay. We prayed for poop! I don't think I've ever seen people get so excited over their baby going to the bathroom, but by the time she finally did poop it had been 48 hours since her last one! We were thrilled and able to relax thinking she was going to be okay after all - she had just been a little dehydrated!

Now that Selah is hydrated she is doing excellent! She is such a good little girl and in the past three weeks there have only been two nights when she was up a lot. Other than that, she is going 3-4 hour stretches at night and going right back to sleep after feedings! She is getting into a rhythm during the day of eating, having awake time, and then taking a nap. She does like to be held during her awake time... which is slightly challenging when I'm trying to get lunch ready or something for the other kids, but overall I can't complain... she is a great little girl and I love see her "eyeballs" (as Havana and now I say about her during her awake time :). I feel honored to be her mommy... babies are such miracles.

Havana and Jonah are adjusting fairly well. Havana was a little emotional at first, but I honestly think that was due more to Jason and I being gone than it was to bringing Selah home. Her one point of confusion is what happened to "the baby in mommy's belly." She accepted baby Selah into our family no problem, but she couldn't forget that there was a baby in mommy's belly. Even now, three weeks later, when naming the members of our family she'll say, "mama, dada, vana, Baby Jonah, Baby Selah, Tucker, Baby in Mama's belly." And she still insists on giving the baby in mama's belly a kiss. I try to tell her that the baby came out and it is baby Selah... but she can't seem to grasp that concept. Poor girl. :)

Baby Jonah, he's great. He's been handling the change like a champ. He doesn't seem to mind that I hold her or when I feed her or the fact that she cries. However, since bringing her home he hasn't slept very well. At one point he was getting up 3-4 times in the middle of the night. If you know me, you know sleep training my children is one of my first goals and so to have him all of a sudden refuse to sleep seemed strange. I even wondered if he was getting sick... but as the nights continued we figured out it had to do with Selah. I think he knows something is different, but he can't seem to express it and so it is causing his sleep to be a little off. We decided that we would not bring Selah into his room during his night time routine so that we are purposefully making it Jonah's special time. We read him books, say prayers with him, and give him lots of snuggles without his older or younger sister in the room. Last night he only woke up once so I'm hoping we're getting over this, but that has been challenging for Jason and I because not only are we up often with Selah, but between her feeding times we are awake with Jonah. That makes for even more exhausted parents. :)

It was a little challenging at first with the weather being so incredibly hot (heat index of 115). Because of that heat taking Selah out was out of the question, but it also prevented us from doing much with our other children. If you know me, you know I don't stay home very often and so for us all to be in the house for several days was a struggle. We took everyone to church when Selah was only 5 days old which was a highlight for everyone -- Selah did great and slept through the whole service. :)

Selah's first time at church!

A few days after we went to church Jason said that he would take Havana to the zoo as a fun treat and to get her out of the house. She had asked to go to the zoo or the pool everyday the entire week we had been home. Jason looked at her and asked if she wanted to go to the zoo and I've never seen a face light up so much. She yelled, "YEAH!" She was incredibly excited and ran upstairs to put on her swimsuit. While going up the stairs she pointed out the "new" gate that Jason had installed about three months ago. She said, "New Gate." I said, "yep, that's our new gate." Then in her excited voice she yelled "YAY DADDY. THANK YOU DADDY." I laughed out loud. She was so excited to go to the zoo that she was going to praise her daddy for everything she saw. :) However, there is a sad side to that story. When Jason and Havana arrived at the zoo - they were closed! I guess their evening hours had ended. Havana was a little sad about it, but Jason was brilliant and quickly came up with the solution to go to splash park down on the waterfront with her. She seemed happy enough when they returned home, but Jason said there was a lot of disappointment in the car. Glad I missed that because I'm not sure this postpartum mommy could have handled that. :)  

The older kiddos have been doing some really sweet things! I've been trying to find time to spend with each child during the day. As I mentioned before, Jonah's special time is right before he  goes to bed...  Havana's special time is when she wakes up. I must say this is a favorite time for me. We don't snuggle her or lay in bed with her at night, but when I go in to get her in the morning or after her nap I'll lay in bed with her. Sometimes we lay there and I rub her back. Other times we just talk about her toys and life in general. Those moments are so sweet and I try and remind myself to simply enjoy them instead of thinking of everything else I have to get accomplished. Once as we were laying in bed together she was looking very serious... so I asked, "Does Havana feel sad or happy?" She said she was happy and so I said, "well what are you thinking about?" Very seriously she looked at me and said, "Pluto." I tried to control my laughter. She's so sweet and cute. Jason and I often talk about how we want her to remain that innocent and pure for as long as she can. Kids have enough to worry about in life that I want to shield her from any negative thoughts for as long as possible. I love her carefree life where her most complex thoughts revolve around her favorite stuffed animal. :) 

Jonah has been equally funny these days! His vocabulary is exploding and I'm amazed and all the things he is saying. I think I'm shocked at the words coming out of his mouth because at 15 months Havana didn't say any words - not even mama and daddy. His newest words are, "thank you" "cookie" "up and down" -- he loves playing "peek -a - boo" and there is this game that Jason and Havana sometimes play during dinner - he'll take the top off his water bottle and spin it on the table after he counts to three. One day I gave Jonah my water bottle cap and he said, "one, two, three" and then he threw the top. I was shocked! He picks up on everything these days. He has a favorite book that we read at night and when  I ask him to point to certain object on the page he can! What a smart boy! It is hard to realize how much he is absorbing because he is so quiet and plays so well by himself that I often forget to engage him. This sometimes hurts my heart... like the other day I was feeding Selah and reading books to Havana and Jonah was playing with some other toys in the same room. I look up after reading a few books to H and I see he is trying to read a book to himself. My heart broke - I hope he doesn't think I don't enjoy reading to him! Something similar happened the other night while we were doing Havana's bedtime routine... we always do shadow puppets on the wall together and while we were doing them I look over at Jonah who is across the room trying to do his own shadow puppets on the wall! I laughed because it was super cute, but again, it hurt my heart a little that I hadn't included him. My goal is to make more of an effort to engage him in play during that day. That sounds simple, but between a two year old who loves attention and a new born who demands attention - Jonah who is the definition of contentment easily is left to play by himself. I don't want that to be his normal and so I'm going to have to make a strong effort. It will be fun, though, because Jonah is such an incredible boy! :) He had his 15 month appointment last week and weighed in at 26.3 pounds! He was so brave during the shots and didn't even flinch - the doctor kept saying, "he's just sitting there!" He didn't mind when she looked in his ears or poked his belly. What a happy little perfect man! He isn't walking yet, but he did take his first steps the other day - however he hasn't take any since. 

Selah has been eating well and growing daily. She is at that age where she is growing, but it is hard for me to notice it because she is still so little in comparison to the other ones running around. Yet, one day her newborn diapers no longer fit, we had to readjust her car seat buckles, etc.  At her one week appointment she weighed 9 pounds, 6 ounces. I can't wait to see what she will weigh at her one month! It has been fun watching her adjust to life outside the womb. She enjoys being held and watching her brother and sister run around her. She likes it best when I hold her and so I kind of feel sorry for jason. He tries to hold her and she usually ends up crying. Jason was so cute the other day when he was talking about how he hasn't figured out what she wants from him yet... he has tried singing to her, rocking her, etc. and she always ends up fussing. I love how he tries to bond with each of our children over what they enjoy doing! He is an incredible daddy! 

Jason went back to work last week! To say that I was nervous would have been an understatement. I was actually filled with quite a bit of anxiety over the thought of keeping three children by myself. Jason was very encouraging and made a point to pray with me before leaving. I prayed a lot for myself - that I would have patience and not get frazzled. I prayed that the Lord would give me strength... and you know what! He did! The first thing He did was change my heart. He helped me focus on Jason - how out of the two of us Jason had the harder job. Not to mention the less fun job! Yes, my job as the mom to three under three is hard... yes, it means that there is a good chance that one of the kids will always be crying... yes, it means I have less time to "myself" -- but I get to spend each moment with my babies. With the children that I wanted and prayed so hard for. I get to kiss boo boos, change diapers, cut up chicken nuggets, and hold a sweet new born. I get to push kids on the swings and laugh at silly jokes. When I make my focus that instead of the "woe to me, how am I going to get through the next several hours alone" it makes for a fun day and gives me more grace with my husband when he comes home. I also have been able to smile when I think of the Lord providing for me. I'm tired from being up with Selah and Jonah and yet when morning comes I find a bounce in my step that I have no idea how it is there... why are my eyelids not droopy? Why? Because the Lord is giving me the strength for each step... counting on Him for enough energy to get me through the next hour has been an amazing testament to His goodness! Don't get me wrong, there are stressful moments. Moments when my son loves playing in the dog's water bowl, moments when my new born is screaming and it is several minutes before I can pick her up, moments when I'm trying to feed three kids at the same time (not a pretty picture, trust me). But those moments end, I take a deep breath, and fall madly in love with my life. It's a choice, but one I love making.

I will say that there was one day when I was feeding baby Selah and not watching the other two closely. When I went to check on them Jonah was in the bathroom playing in the bathtub. He put himself in there, fully dressed, and was playing with all the toys. I laughed and then had to change his clothes because they were all wet from toys that were still holding water. When I went to check on Havana she was swinging in Selah's swing. I had to laugh and thought, "this is what I get for not watching all the kiddos closely." :) 

I love being a mommy and received such an incredible compliment the other day. I was with a friend and she said that she loved my parenting style because I never yelled at my children and used positive praise rather than negative talk. She said she could tell I enjoyed being a mother. That made my heart sing because that is how I want to be known. I work really hard not to raise my voice and I don't want to fall into a habit of being critical towards my children. I want to have children who know I delight in being their mother and my friend's comments sent me soaring and I was thankful for the encouragement.

However, the Lord taught me a powerful lesson this week regarding the way I think about my children. I've always seemed to struggle when people around me complained about being a mom. I know it is a tough job, but I wouldn't want any other job... I can't imagine telling my kids they are driving me nuts or that I need a break from them. Sure, I have moments when I feel that way (or for me it is more that I feel like I want a date with my husband more than a break for myself :) but I quickly look at my babies and think back to our journey on becoming parents and suddenly my complaints pale in comparison to my blessings. I struggle when women talk about birth control (everyone knows how I feel about medical contraception (ha) but I do understand the need to be responsible and that not everyone is called to have a big family so I don't mean it in that way, but more when they talk about it as in "I better not have another kid, they drive me crazy" kind of way).  I wouldn't wish infertility or miscarriages on ANYONE ... but at the same time, I'm thankful for what they taught me... I'm thankful that Jason and I try to cherish each moment and look at children as blessings from the Lord and not a burden. Yet, the Lord recently called to my attention that I have been talking a lot about "won't it be nice when..." -- Won't it be nice when my kids can all play with each other, won't it be nice when they can all swim and we can go to the pool and I can relax instead of making sure someone isn't drowning, won't it be nice when the kids can play by themselves in the back yard and I can sit and have a conversation with my husband, etc. I'm not complaining about my kids, but I'm not celebrating in the "now" -- this is a humbling lesson for me to swallow since I've been so careful as not to complain about motherhood, but is wishing them to be a little more self-sufficient isn't that different from complaining. Yikes! So, I'm striving to enjoy each moment, each stage, and to watch my thoughts and redirect them when I think "won't it be nice when..."  So thankful for the Lord's loving conviction, but please keep me accountable if you hear me mention something about it being nice in the future... because I know old habits die hard! 

As always, thanks for providing me a place to brag about my children and also share my struggles! I enjoy blogging although I do it so infrequently these days. :)

Selah Cadence Dugger!

Selah Cadence Dugger came into the world on July 19, 2011 at 12:17pm. She was 8 pounds, 14 ounces and was 22 inches long. She is such a gift from God! We loved our doctor (she had graduated from medical school with Jason and it was very special to have her as our doctor), but the hospital experience was not our favorite. But, I'm trying to focus on the good and not the bad... :)

For this pregnancy Jason and I decided not to find out the gender. We knew the gender with Havana and Jonah per my request. Jason always wanted to experience a surprise, but being such a planner I really wanted to know so I could be prepared. However, this time, we had things for either gender and I thought I could resist finding out the gender as a "love gift" to Jason. :) Not finding out the baby's gender caused one problem - we had to come up with two names. Jason and I don't always agree on names... it has been a sore spot for us in the past :). About 5 months into the pregnancy we agreed on a boy's name. It just came to us, I suggested it and Jason quickly jumped on board. He even had come up with a nick name that he would call him. We were excited for the name as it had a lot of meaning and significance behind it. Finding a girl's name, however, was not so easy... in fact, when we delivered Selah and the doctor said, "it's a girl" -- she still had no name!

Several weeks ago I was reading in my Bible and apparently I was reading rather quickly, but I thought I read the name "Cadence" -- I thought about it for a day and then mentioned it to Jason. He liked it because it was musical and he liked it even more because before I told him he didn't know it was in the Bible. I told him how it was in the book of Acts and that sealed the deal for him because his name is also in the book of Acts. We thought, "this is perfect. A Biblical name that is connected to Jason's." We were pretty excited and settled on the name Cadence. That night I had Jason read the passage of Scripture and he turns to me and very lovingly says, "This name is Candace, not Cadence." To say we were disappointed would be an understatement. We went back and forth on if we should still keep that name, but really, it didn't have a significant story or meaning behind it.  Can you follow Havana and Jonah (two names rich with personal meaning for Jason and I) and follow it up with "we just liked the name"? We didn't know. I said I would be okay with the name as long as we could find a significant middle name. Over the weeks nothing came to us. We searched the Bible, we searched our friend's names, we were stalking kids in the nursery at church to read their name tags hoping to stumble across the most perfect name. I even spent a long time praying about it. I felt like our boy name was so perfect and given to us by God ... I prayed that He would let me know what the baby's name should be if it was a girl. Nothing.

Monday night at the hospital... we started talking about names again. Cadence kept coming up, but again, we weren't sold on it. We thought it was very pretty and Jason liked the musical meaning behind it, but outside of that, we weren't sure. As we got ready for bed, Jason was laying on his pull out couch reading some Bible verses on his phone. He looked up at me and said, "What about Selah?" I paused. We had not even thought about that name before. "From Psalms?"  I ask. We began talking about it... it was musical in nature (indicating a pause in the music) so it could possibly go with Cadence - either as a middle name or her first name. Jason is a very musical person and so that connects in his soul. It is Biblical. It is found in the book of Psalms as well as in Habakkuk (one of my personal favorite books) and it thought to mean "a pause for reflection" - similar to the word "Amen." We liked that because in a world that rarely pauses for reflection - what a great reminder to do so. To think about all we have been through with struggling with infertility, losing Elijah and Jonah's twin, experiencing a failed adoption... and now looking at our lives - three children under three, a thriving marriage, etc. In our lives which are so busy with cleaning up toys, reading stories, and changing diapers... we don't want to forget to pause and reflect on God's goodness to us. We are incredibly, incredibly blessed and feel so humbled to be the parents of three lives. On top of all of that, I heard once that it was a city in the Old Testament, although I'm not positive about that fact, and of course Havana is named after a city in Cuba and while Jonah isn't a city - his conversation with God that was so applicable to my life a few years ago was about the city of Nineveh. Anyway, there just seemed to be some meaning behind  the name. The last thing Jason said to me Monday night was, "pray about the name Selah and we'll talk about it tomorrow."

The induction began at 5am and things progressed quickly so we did not have time to talk about it. They broke my water at 9:30am and she was born at 12:17pm. When they laid her on me my very first thought was, "Hi,  Selah." I can't explain the moment fully, but the best way is to say that I really felt like the Lord was introducing me. "Mommy meet Selah, Selah meet your mommy." I wanted to say it out loud, but seeing as Jason and I had not discussed it nothing was finalized and so I didn't want to make the decision for the both of us. It took a few minutes until things were calm enough for us to talk about it. Cadence Selah Dugger or Selah Cadence Dugger or something else all together? We had a friend with us who was there to take photos and she was there for the beginning on the conversation so she heard us bouncing around the two names. She later excused herself and we continued the discussion. We mentioned that Cadence was the "safer" of the two names - it seems more feminine and less likely to get the "huh?" response when we tell people her name. Yet, we were still really drawn to Selah. Jason said it was such a musical name that the only middle name he liked with Selah was Cadence (verses if her first name was Cadence he didn't think the middle name had to be Selah but could be a different name all together). We practiced saying both out loud like we were calling her in for dinner. It was quite comical, actually. Jason's one hesitation about Selah was that we had just come up with it the night before. If you know my husband, you know he never makes a rash decision - he thinks things through very carefully and he kept saying, "we haven't had any time to toss it around." I did mention that perhaps the Lord gave it to us just when He wanted to. By this time it was 1:45pm so we had given birth an hour and half ago and still had not called anyone because we didn't have her name. We both agreed that we wanted to go with Selah Cadence Dugger. Literally at that exact moment Jason's phone received a text... from our friend, Lisa, who had taken the pictures. This is what she wrote,

"My opinion on the name discussion... for whatever it's worth... Selah follows your pattern of the short a sounds at the end of the name... ElijAH, HavanA, JonAH, SelAH... Personally, I love Selah Lisa (her name) Dugger. HAHA.  Selah Dugger is very cute. I'm sure you're used to correcting people with Havana's name... I was just thinking people would think Cadence is either Candice or Caden... But don't listen to my two cents worth."

Her text was perfect! We had just said "let's name her Selah" when the text came through. Jason read the text out loud and we thought it was perfect. She chose the same name we did, but on top of that, it was incredibly special to us that she remembered Elijah in with our children when talking about about the short "a" sounds -- honestly, that was a connection even I had not made! I also laughed when she mentioned people not getting Cadence's name right, because I had originally read Candice as Cadence in the Bible. With smiles on our faces we kissed on Selah's cheeks calling her by her name. We are so grateful for her little life and we look forward to discovering all the plans the Lord has for her! Welcome to the World, Selah Cadence Dugger, We love you!!!

Boy or Girl?!

I'm in the hosptial! The plan was to come into tonight and start some gel - after doing that all night they would begin the actual induction at 7:30am on Tuesday. However, I have progressed so far that they gave us the option of beginning the induction now to have a middle of the night delivery or we could sleep here at the hospital and start the induction at 5am. We chose the latter choice figuring we'll have one last night of relaxation. Jason is out getting me some outback steakhouse - I have wanted a blooming onion this entire pregnancy and have yet to eat one...  so, I'll get to eat one tonight! I honestly just wanted a salad tonight for dinner so I ordered one of their salads to go with it. I'm pretty excited for him to come back with my food (and milkshake from steak-n-shake - another baby request :)  because I'm hungry but then we just get to hang out, watch TV, and chat. I'm not even hooked up to any  wires so I can walk around and do whatever. My doctor was laughing at me because I was claiming this was a date. :) Anyway, in our non silly moments in the hosptial we come together for prayer for our baby. Praying he or she will be healthy and have no complications during or after labor and delivery. I am a little nervous about the unknown gender... namely because we don't have a name for a girl picked out and I love our name for the boy. I even dreamed last night that it was a girl and so we had to name her after the nurse because that was the only name we had. I told Jason about it and his response was, "well, now we have a plan." Silly guy! :)  I think Jason has really enjoyed not knowing the gender of this baby. Even today he was talking about how this makes this pregnancy special and different from our previous two... we are walking into a lot of unknowns and I think Jason is excited for the moment he will know for sure! I hope to get his face captured on tape. :)  At first I was indifferent towards it, but then it started getting to me more the farther i've come simply because we don't have a name for a daughter. I love our boy's name what if we settle for a girls name? Will I have any form of disappointment? Not over her life, but just that I wasn't able to have the perfect name for her. I've even been praying for the Lord to let me know what her name is supposed to be... so far, nothing... So I'm a little anxious about that. However, Jason is excited... he doesn't put a lot of stalk in what people say and I've had several people tell me girl and others (including the Chinese Predictor Kit) have said boy. One of them will be right! And I know Jason will be thrilled to experience that moment of the unknown - and I'm getting a little excited about it myself. ;) 

It is weird right now... I'm laying in a hospital bed, but am not hooked up to anything and yet I'm still feeling my contractions... it is surreal to take it all in and wonder how the next several hours will go. I took a sleeping pill not too long ago in hopes to get one last night of rest. All the flurry will begin around 5 and I'll be anxious to know how quickly things progress since I have never been this far along at the start of the induction before. :)

Well, most likely won't post more tonight... but just wanted to write one post about this hospital experience and the anticipation over this baby - which really not knowing the gender really has made this induction so far different emotionally. Anyway, this pregnancy reminds me so much of my pregnancy with havana that I think this baby has to be a girl. Yet, sometimes I wonder since I feel like we have a perfect boy's name that I have prayed for... it makes me wonder if it is a boy after all. I can honestly say I have no idea. I say "I think it is a girl" but that comes and goes... so I don't know... I'm excited to find out and praying the perfect name will come to us if we are blessed to have another daughter.

Thanks for reading this random post.... I'm feeling the sleeping aids start to kick in.... hopefully Jason will make it back with my food. :) Perfect timing... he is here!!! Goodnight and please keep us in your prayers anytime after 5am.

My Last Letter to my Two Children...

Dear Havana and Jonah,

I am writing this while you are both taking a nap. When you wake up I will be getting ready to head to the hospital to deliver your new baby brother or sister so this will be the last time I write a note that is only to the two of you. I wanted to take a moment to share my pride and love for you and update you on all your growth! I am so proud of you both. I say daily that there really couldn't be anyone cuter or smarter or better than you two. You two have captured my heart in such a way that I can't describe... I love our life together. I love our family. I find myself simply staring at your beautiful faces and wondering how I became so lucky to be your mommy? I thank the Lord every single day for your daddy and you both! I pray constantly for your protection and your health.

Havana, you are cracking me up these days with the things you are saying! Here's a list of my favorites:

• You are great about wanting everyone to have a turn... and the other day we were all playing Hop Scotch and you made sure that Jonah, Daddy, and Tucker all had a turn. Then you exclaimed very clearly, "baby in mama's belly turn!" It made me smile to see you include him/her already. That has continued as you ask to give it a kiss every night before bed. And you not only give it a kiss, but a butterfly kiss and an Eskimo kiss as well! :) You found a flash light the other day and enjoyed playing with that. Then you ran up and pulled up mommy's shirt and shined the light into my belly and said, "hello, baby in mama's belly." You are such a sweet sister!
• You like the show "Dave and the Giant Pickle" which is a Veggie Tales version of David and Goliath. In the show Goliath says in a deep voice, "Who Will Fight me?" Well, one night I was getting you ready for bed and you turn to me with a deep voice and say something... that to me sounded like you were saying, "Oh Bite me." I looked at your daddy and we both tried to contain our giggles (and slight concern over where you might have picked up that phrase) but then we realized you were pretending to be Goliath and saying "Who Will Fight Me?" That made us laugh even more! :) 
• You've become fascinated with stop signs. You can point them out and spell STOP without any effort. You always like to make sure we come to a complete stop. Well, one day, your daddy was in a hurry in our neighborhood and he did what some people would call a "rolling stop." You said, "stop sign. Havana Stop." I asked (as I always do), "Did you see that sign? Did you see Daddy stop?" But instead of answering yes, you answered with a very loud, "NO." -- which made mommy laugh because you were telling the truth... daddy had not completely come to a stop. What a smart girl. 
• You are a big fan of "red sauce" and "yellow sauce" (ketchup and mustard) which you request at almost every meal to dip all your food into. During one of your speech therapy lessons the other day Mrs. Elizabeth showed you a picture of a jar of honey. The only context in which you know honey is when a bear is eating it... so when Mrs. Elizabeth said, "what is this?" You answered with pure excitement, "Yellow Sauce!" You thought it was mustard and you were very excited to answer that. Your dad and I began laughing really hard! You're precious to us!
• Your imagination has exploded lately and it is fun to watch you play with all your animals and dolls, but it is also fun to watch you pretend to be an animal. You love crawling around on the ground and making a "hiss" sound - you little snake! :) You pretend to be characters from TV shows you watch... you're simply fun!
• You are, as you have always been, into dancing... your new things is to run around in a circle and raise your arms. You are very insistent that we dance with you just like that. You are a good dancing love bug! 
• Since moving into your big girl bed you've gotten very into helping mommy change the sheets! I'm not exactly sure why, but you really enjoy it and often request for me to change your sheets. The other day I was taking a bath and had given you my phone to play with on my bed while you waited for me to finish. I come out of the bathroom and you've taken off the comforter and said, "change sheets." I don't know you if you were pretending you were changing the sheets or if you were suggesting that I change my sheets... but it was fun for me. 
• Speaking of my phone, girl, you have an iphone problem! You are addicted. The other day you were playing downstairs with daddy and I came up to take a bath and I left my phone on the bathroom counter. You came up to "check" on me and saw my phone. I told you that you were not allowed to play with it right now and so you leave the bathroom and slowly close the door. Only, you left it open just a crack-- big enough to slip your little arm in... I see your little hand feeling around on the counter for the phone. You sneaky little girl... too bad mama knows all your tricks. 
• The other day you and mommy had a date! We've been teaching you lately about dates - you had one with daddy where he took you to the pool. This one was with mommy and I took you to a bakery. Anyway, I made a mistake the other day... I was excited about our date and your daddy and I were going on a date the next night so I excited about that... anyway, as I put you into your car seat I gave you a kiss and told you that all dates ended with a kiss. I didn't think much of it - I wanted to kiss from you and I wanted a kiss from your daddy the next night -- it just made sense. Well, during dinner that night we were telling daddy about our date and I explained how I taught you that all dates end in kisses. He quickly corrected me. They don't! So dont' expect to be kissing any boys after you go on a date with them in high school! Just saying! Clearly mommy wasn't thinking about the big picture in that moment of parenting. haha. 
•  My favorite moments with you lately have been during your wake up time. In the morning and after nap time, I come into your room and sit on the bed and we just talk. Sometimes we play with your animals other times we just talk about what you dreamed about... it is fun to have those moments and carry on "big girl" conversations with you. Your are turning into such an amazing little girl. Your heart is so pure and last night your daddy prayed that you would hold onto that innocence for as long as possible. You also said something funny yesterday. We were talking about our plans for the day and you sat up on your knees and said, "well, let's do it!" I don't know where you came up with that phrase either, but it made me smile. You have a tendency to do that a lot.
• Your at that phase now where kisses heal everything. If you get any kind of "boo-boo" a simple kiss from mommy and daddy can make it "all better." I love that you are so easily comforted. You're a pretty tough little girl and not much makes you cry, but occasionally you'll say, "vana sad" if your feelings are hurt. You also have just started to notice your tears... so when you cry you'll say  "eyes" because you don't know what is going on with your eyes. So sweet... I guess I am glad you don't really know what tears are yet. 
• You are still loving to do the "Cinderella" dance with daddy. I think you do it several times a day. 
• We have added doing shadow puppets to your nightly routine. You love doing bunnies, butterflies, ducks, and horses. 
• Recently we studied about John the Baptist in the Bible. I didn't realize how "into" the story you got and you asked your daddy to "baptize" you. So he did (pretend of course). The next night after we did shadows you kept saying something and I thought you were asking for "butterflies" again... I told you we had already done those. You said, "no, dada, baptize." You wanted daddy to baptize you again. The next night daddy was changing your diaper and you kept saying "baptize" but he thought you were saying "bath time" and he said no. You looked at him and said, "no, baptize." Finally it took a few times, but then he realized what you were saying. I can't wait to watch you make the choice in real life. :)
• You're speech has improved so much! You are asking great questions and using your words to ask for permission. I love having conversations with you. 
• You have an incredible memory. Our next door neighbors recently had a baby and they named him Jake... when we told you his name you immediately connected it to a show you watched once several months ago. I didn't even remember that the baby on that show was named Jake, but you did! I was impressed! 

There are so many more funny stories and memories that capture my heart, but those are just a few! Your mommy loves you and I love watching your growth!

Jonah, oh my big boy...

I love you so much. You have turned into quite a mama's boy and frankly, I'm okay with it. Havana has always been a bit of a daddy's girl and so to have someone who runs to me for comfort is kind of nice. You have become very "clingy" to mommy and I'm not sure if you sense that a new baby is coming or if you are just getting to that age. But, not matter what, I love you so much! You are such a handsome little boy. Your face has to be one of the cutest things on the planet. You've got some hair on you, bubs... daddy has been saying that we need to cut it soon, but I haven't been ready. However, it is getting pretty long and pretty curly... so I think soon we'll explore the first hair cut. :)

You are becoming much more aware of everything around you lately. You are noticing when we are reading H a story or dancing with her and you always want to be included. I think there has been a time or two you've felt left out and so we're making a greater effort to include you in everything Havana is doing. You get pretty excited when you think you are a "big boy" and getting to do all the stuff your sister does.

You are getting into wrestling with your daddy! You love rough playing with him. He'll throw you up into the air and tickle you on the ground and you squeal and squeal with laughter! You still can't walk yet, but you're awfully rough and tumble! I love it.

You are saying more words too. You can say, "Tucker" and of course still call for me and your dad. You can even say your name if I ask you "who is that?" when looking at a picture of yourself.

You continue to be such a great "individual player" - sure you love to do whatever Havana is doing and you are interested in whatever she is playing with, but you also will crawl into a room and simply entertain yourself for hours. It is fun to watch you play with things and as you get older I'm starting to see many more "boy" traits. Your daddy and I joke that you are "all boy" as you are obsessed with balls and cars. You love throwing, catching, chasing, and rolling balls. You have a pretty impressive arm if I do say so myself. It is also fun to watch you roll cars on the ground. You seem to never tire of that game. You are a boy and I love watching you grow!

You are also becoming very "boyish" in the fact that you get into everything. You love to play in tucker's water bowl, the toilet, you love taking everything out of any drawer, you name it... you are getting into it. Whew, some days you wear me out. It is fun for me to watch you explore your world, but it is also exhausting. For a while I was letting you get away with a lot of it underestimating your intelligence, but then I realized you are 14 months old, you can kiss on command, speak some words, etc... you are smart enough to know boundaries and how to test them! So, mama's become more aware of your little tactics and I'm not letting you get away with all your mischief anymore. ;)

You have become quite the snuggler! Of course I am okay with that. When I wake you up - you like to show me your toys in your crib but then you like for me to hold you. You simply rest your head on my shoulder and I could stay in that position forever. You're so sweet and it melts my heart. You're also endearing when you crawl up to me and put your head on my leg or my belly. Oh to capture those embraces. My favorite though is your kiss. You can kiss on command. Sure, it is an open mouthed kiss, but I can't get enough... I'll say, "give your mama a kissey" and you will lean in and give me one. Then we usually both laugh. I often view that as my own personal pay check for being your mommy. I couldn't ask for anything more.

You are an answer to prayer and I have been praying for you a lot lately as we prepare to bring your baby brother or sister home. Last night your daddy prayed for you to not feel insecure in our love with the new arrival. You are and will always be a very special boy who has an incredible spot in our hearts and in our family. I love watching you grow and I am honored to be your mother!

Often these days I feel like I am living in a fairy tale. I have this incredible husband and we have these wonderful children. I know my life hasn't always been a fairy tale... we have experienced trials, heart aches, and such... many of which are written about in this very blog. But right now, I feel like I'm resting in a very sweet time and I am very thankful for that. I'm soaking it all in because I know hard times are bound to come again... that's life... and so when they do I will draw strength in remembering these times where life is so precious and joy filled. But no matter what, the Lord is good and faithful!

Havana and Jonah, never ever forget how much your mommy and your daddy love you! I can't wait to watch you both grow and thrive as we bring the new baby home!

I love you,
mommy!